Sania shocked at no fresh Fatwas after her Bangalore Open boycott


Unidentified location. 7th February.

India’s reigning tennis sensation and aspiring super-model, Sania Mirza today expressed shock and awe at not receiving any fresh Fatwas from any of the fundamentalist organizations, after her potentially enraging boycott of Bangalore Open to be held, probably, in Bangalore.

“I didn’t expect this. It’s slightly disappointing…” admitted Sania, camped in a secret location wearing a secret costume and speaking in whispers. She continued – “A time comes in your life when you expect to open the daily newspaper and be thrilled to find the news about a new Fatwa issued against you. And trust me…it’s addictive!”

Though the authorities have promised to look into the matter, Hyderabad Police Commissioner Y.K. Reddy didn’t deny the possibility of a “Mis-Fatwa“, meaning, a Fatwa originally meant for Sania is accidentally issued to somebody else, “say, Taslima Nasreen!” Incidentally, the leading Fatwa issuing outfit, Goonj-E-Pairahan*, accepted that the work-load has been too killing last few weeks, and some Fatwas have been misplaced, delayed, mis-spelled or even Mis-Fatwaed too. “But then, we are doing our best”, emphasizes the unnamed person at the G-E-C headquarters.

Meanwhile the Bangalore Open organizers have convinced Leander Paes to fill in for the spot left vacant by Sania Mirza’s sudden decision. Checking his new white skirt and top, Paes confirmed that he is doing it – “only for Sania.”

*Pairahan = Cloth






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3 responses to “Sania shocked at no fresh Fatwas after her Bangalore Open boycott

  1. svoberoi

    AIMPLB promises to improve the Fatwa system

    Taking serious cognizance of Sania’s concerns, Maulana Fatwuddin, General Secretary of the All India Muslim Players’ Law Board (AIMPLB) has clarified that he would take immediate action against the irresponsible Moulvis responsible for the embarrassing situation. He went on to say: “The AIMPLB has had a glorious history of issuing The Fatwa right away without pondering over it, simply basing it on a few MBD pass-books that obviate reading the Hadeeses, Sharia and some Aayats (verses) of the holy Quran. People should realize that we face the same problem of docket explosion as the Indian courts and are going to propose the issuance of fast-track fatwas by Google News. Under this hi-tech system, as soon as news concerning a Muslim player (especially women) in India is tracked by Googlebot, a fatwa in his/her name will be issued automatically and the player will be asked to apologize publicly for whatever it is that he/she has done. Not only would such an approach be scalable in the long run, it will also act as a deterrent against Mis-Fatwas.”

    PTI reports that there has been an increased interest being shown by big internet companies in the proposed fatwa-issuance system, popularly being referred in media as the ‘Lakhfatwiya-Maar’, since it can issue more than 1 lakh fatwas instantaneously! Bill Gates has famously promised to buy out any company that implements the system, citing that his is the only authentic Islamic internet company. [Researchers at the Jama Masjid in Hawaii have found that the Windows Genuine Advantage authenticator mimics the ‘jharokhas’ that were found in most Mughal architecture to allow women to see the events outside without being seen (Purdah). ]

    Finally, as anticipated earlier, the fatwa for Sania in the latest controversy had been accidentally delivered to Leander Paes after he was seen wearing a ‘provoking & unislamic dress’ in preparation for the upcoming tournament. Moreover, to add to Paes’ misery, most people across religious divides have supported the Mis-Fatwa issued to him calling his act a crime against humanity!

  2. lol! love ur hilarious take on all indian events. i should show this to my friend oliver.

  3. Waah. But .. how about a PIL? Maybe it has been filed, and the court used a slow mailing service?

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