Category Archives: Bizarre

High Court Says Lord Ram Had Moustaches – Orders Changes In Calendars and Arun Govil

Following the court order... (Note: Rented wig. Moustache not to scale.)

Allahabad. 1 October 2010.

In a landmark verdict, Barabanki bench of Allahabad High Court today decreed that Lord Ram had thick, bushy moustaches, and changes be made in Hindu calendar art as well as Arun Govil to reflect the reality. “Lord Ram grew a pencil thin moustache soon after his 19th Birthday, and then, during the 14-year long exile, he went for a make-over resulting in thick moustache so as to mingle with crowds down south”, read the judgement text on the official website of the High Court.

Reacting to the judgement, Arun Govil, the smiling-face actor who played Lord Ram in a hit TV series in the 80’s, said: “I respect the court judgement, but hope I haven’t lost my moustache hormones forever, owing to years of clean-shaving. It would have been great if they had given some verdict on the beard/stubble part too, and got the facial hair issues done with.”

A classic Indian timepass, now a court order. (Image courtesy: Chandan from Indore)

Chandan, a 16-year old High School student in Indore, is ecstatic with the verdict though. “I have been drawing moustaches on the faces on calendars, magazines, newspaper ads ever since I was 4-year old. In fact, I should confess that I love Katrina Kaif with moustaches.”

A majority of tired TV debaters, after a 12-hour shouting match with alternate-view holders, hailed the judgement as ‘worthy of a good debate’. Politicians of both the ruling as well as opposition parties appealed the masses to stay calm, unaffected, and dumb.

Meanwhile, another PIL, asking the court to ascertain the “proper English spellings of Lord Ram’s sons Luv* and Kush, especially Luv*” has been filed by a shopkeeper in Hardoi, Uttar Pradesh. “Is it LOVE or LUV, or LOV?”, asks the PIL.

(Additional Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. Written in good humor. Please don’t break vodka bottles on anybody’s head after reading this. And don’t sue. Please.)

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Navjot Sidhu To Run Naked If Bharat Bandh Reverses Inflation

Naked is a tongue twister if said while running (Image: sulekha.com)

New Delhi. 5 July 2010.

Apparently inspired by a Paraguayan model, ex-cricketer and BJP MP Navjot Singh Sidhu today claimed that he will run naked through the streets of New Delhi if opposition-sponsored Bharat Bandh manages to reverse the price rise. Speaking to the local media on the eve of opposition’s biggest combined jab at govt. policies in UPA’s second term, Sidhu said – “Guru…the nude is condemned to never being naked. The man who runs is always the man who wears the shoes. And lastly, inflation is, what inflation does.” Soon after, BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad decoded the lines for everybody, to send shock-waves in random directions.

If Paraguay had won, inflation would have run (Image: rediff.com)

“Tomato is so expensive now that I’d rather put petrol in my daal-fry”, said Rajesh Tiwari, a common common-man from Kanpur, “but after this news, I am not sure I would like to have daal-fry ever.” Unsurprisingly, many ‘first reactions’ ranged from “I hope not” to “Why Sidhhu, why not KPS Gill?”. But there was support for the daring MP from some quarters, including from his fans of the hit TV show ‘Laughter Challenge’ where he appeared as a laugh-track. “Sidhu paa ji is just great. We can’t stop laughing when he can’t stop laughing. I wish him all the best for this naked run”, said avid TV viewer Sunny Lokhande from Nagpur.

Abundance of potatoes (Image: sulekha.com)

Sidhu’s announcement, though, has not got ruling UPA worried. “For one, inflation is going up, so the man won’t get a chance”, said Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi. He believed that Bharat Bandh “only managed to help UPA as most of the Metros enjoyed a long weekend and blessed UPA for the holiday. In fact, we are thinking of having a central govt. sponsored Bharat Bandh every alternate month, so that all the accompanying surprises and violence could be better organized, and if possible, marketed. Think of the possibility of a reality show – Bharat Bandh Mein Nach Baliye, and many more.”

Meanwhile, after an exhausting, angry, boring, and hectic day at Bharat Bandh, BJP looks forward to another 8-years of exciting in-fighting, high-adrenalin chintan baithaks, and occassional but high-powered sex-tapes.

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Teenager Kills Dog Hoping For Another Nude-Girl PETA Ad In Rebuttal

PETA: Fuelling Teenage Fantasies. Since 1980.

Nagpur. 17 May 2010.

For 15-year old Rakesh Sawale, it was a case of simple calculation. “Kill the dog, piss the PETA off, and get them to pose another actress nude”, says Rakesh with a cold-blooded grin. “I have even sent my wish-list to them earlier. Deepika Padukone followed by my favorite Mid-Day mate – Kinky Samantha”, he says with a blush only teenagers or Jugal Hansraj can manage.

The unnamed street dog was returning from his evening stroll around the neighborhood when Rakesh attacked it with a kitchen cooker. “I wanted to give a clear signal to PETA that I hate street dogs to the extent of being a psycho so that they do something equally outrageous in return” was Rakesh’s confessional statement.

DimLight, the international ad agency handling PETA’s account called it “a victory of the power of advertising” on their official website’s newsflash. Allan Prince, Chief Creative Officer of DimLight said: “This is seriously inspiring news from India! PETA as a global brand needed such edgy publicity, and this young enthusiastic kid has given just that. The dead dog, of course, is a collateral damage.”

Animal instincts? (Photo courtesy: Our cruelty to animals)

PETA India officials called the dog-killing unfortunate and vowed to “add more message to the nude bodies” posing for their next round of awareness campaign. “I think our last round of ads, featuring S&M stuff, accidentally led to this act. Next time, we are going for feathers-and-satin look”, said the official spokesperson.

Meanwhile, Big B joined twitter in an effort to curtail his anger from long blog entries to just 140-characters.

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Rs. 350 Crore Man-On-Horse Futuristic Statue In Mumbai To Guard All The Statues of India

The blueprint with some blue, green, yellow, and brown

The blueprint with some blue, green, yellow, and brown

Off-Mumbai-Coast, 30 August 2009.

In yet another master-stroke of futuristic planning, following the shut-down of dance bars and a laptop presentation for flooding, India’s financial capital today unveiled the blueprint of its most ambitious curves. Costing just Rs. 350 Crores (contrast this in the similar genre, which cost Rs. 50 Crores!), the Grand Statue of a “Man On Horse”  is expected to guard the ever-growing population of statues in the nation.

The menacing figure of an unshaven man atop a derby horse, claims State Home Minister – “will act as a deterrent to anybody thinking ill of more than 40-Lakh statues in the country, Mayawati’s not included.” Although the minister refused to divulge the details of how the statue will go about ‘protecting’ others of its clan, a highly-confidential report we have got access to confirms that the hi-tech statue may actually be invisible to the common public, just because it will be designed to think-and-act at the speed of light.

The report further suggests that the (“almost invisible”) statue may actually be used to fight swine-flu and bad-monsoon, incorporating the very complex STRING THEORY in its design. Quoting a top bureaucrat from the Man-On-Horse Committee, the report says – “We know all the strings of the world…and are very excited to use our string theory in such an ambitious project.”

Though the details are still vague, and the design almost a surreal reminder of our colorful culture, ‘Man On Horse’ is all set to be India’s answer to the western world’s greatest mascot – the McDonald’s man.

A planet orphaned....

A planet orphaned....

Meanwhile, in a major space disaster, our planet Earth developed a snag today, losing all contacts with the almighty Chandrayaan 1. At the moment of last reports coming in, Earth seems to be lost in endless space, never to be found again.

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Contestant Mistakes ‘Sach Ka Saamna’ For ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’

This guy needs some water. That's the truth.

This guy needs some water. That's the truth.

Mumbai. 24 July 2009.

In a week when Indian media mistook Hillary Clinton for Madonna and US authorities mistook Ex-President APJ Abdul Kalam for just APJ Abdul Kalam, another case of mistaken identities has come up; this one, just a bit more genuine. Shyam Kukreja, a 28-year old steel-utensils shop owner from Ludhiana, accidentally landed on Star Plus’ new show ‘Sach Ka Saamna’ thinking it to be the show where he will get to marry his dream-girl Rakhi Sawant.

A visibly shaken Kukreja confesses – “I thought the man with long hair, asking me questions about my sex-life and choice of ice-cream flavors is Rakhi Sawant’s brother. They had even called my parents, my school-teacher, and my neighborhood kulfi-waalah’s young daughter too to witness this pre-marital interview. ”

Reports suggest that Kukreja’s spell was broken when he was thrown out after he gifted his “best red underwear” to “Rakhi sawant’s brother” as a “nishaani” of his “amar prem” for “aapki behen”. “I thought that was a very personal gift…and Rakhi loves red colour”, Kukreja later added.

Reality show experts believe Kukreja can’t be faulted for this obvious mistake as both shows deal with facing something difficult, overcoming your inhibitions, owning up to your stupidities in public, and ending up with a win that embarasses more than it boosts.

Role model for millions

Role model for millions

Meanwhile on ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’, the show Kukreja wanted to be a part of, two of the contestants, Ravi Shukla and Pooran Singh,  fell in love with each other and left the show mid-way. Hailing respectively from Kanpur and Malegaon, Ravi and Pooran realized they were made for each other just by the virtue of being on this show.

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