Category Archives: Politics

Arundhati Roy Confesses To Inserting ‘Maine Pyar Kiya’ Screenplay In Her Essays To Make Them Look Longer

A common man's impression of Ms. Roy's articles

New Friend’s Colony, New Delhi. 29 September 2010.

In a shocking, heartbreaking confession, Booker-winner and India’s top intellectual entity Arundhati Roy,  today admitted to inserting random lines from Hindi movie scripts in her essays “so that they look long and intimidating”. “I learnt this trick in my history class as a kid. We had a teacher who used to mark our answers by measuring them with a metric scale. So we used to smartly insert film songs, dialogues, etc. in say, an answer to the impacts of WW-I on Indian freedom movement “, said a suitably nostalgic Ms. Roy.

The story broke when Ashok, a bored teenager in Orissa’s Koraput District, happened to stumble upon the words “Aaja shaam hone aayi, mausam ne li angdaayi…” in a passage of Ms. Roy’s latest marathon-article for a reputed National weekly. “I was bored of rediff comment-boards that day”, said Ashok, “And as luck would have it, after spotting these lines as well as the rest of the screenplay of the film in the article, I went back to rediff and posted the whole thing online. lol.”

"I never thought anybody would read them..."

Ms. Roy’s fellow ‘long-essayist’, Arun Shourie defended her rights to use ‘whatever it takes, to make the essay longer’ by writing a very-long essay (a 20-part series) in Indian Express.

Experts believe that this may not be a stray case and we need to go back to all our long speeches, essays, and critiques including Pandit JL Nehru’s ‘Tryst With Destiny’, to find hidden-movie references or chunks. “I remember Mughal-E-Azam scenes in an Indira Gandhi speech to the UN once”, said a Congress insider not willing to be named.

Meanwhile, soon-to-be-married BJP MP Varun Gandhi has threatened to chop the hands off of Baraatis who refuse to dance at his wedding.

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Ayodhya Verdict Leaked: Land To Go To IIPM

Leaked vision for tomorrow

Allahabad. 22 September 2010.

In a shocking leak, apparently carried out by underpaid clerks of Allahabad high court, the much-awaited verdict in Babri Masjid land-title case declared Indian Institute of Planning and Management (IIPM) to be the rightful owners of the property. “IIPM owned the land much before Mughals invaded India, forget Britishers”, reads the powerful text accompanying the verdict given by 3-member High Court bench in Allahabad. “IIPM’s legacy goes  back to the days of Nalanda-Taxila, and we have banner-ads to prove that even in the days of Chandragupta Maurya, Kings used to send their illegitimate children to IIPM Universities”, the court noted as an aside.

The design of proposed IIPM structure at Ayodhya

Professor Arindam Chaudhury, the founder, speaker and transformational leader at IIPM called the verdict “a fitting reply to the detractors of IIPM, including UGC” and said “a new fugly structure, preceded by fugly newspaper ads, will soon come up at the site, handing out European-countryside-attested MBA degrees to Indian-countryside-kids”.

With this, the 300-year long dispute over Ayodhya – a rare small-town in UP with more cows than Mayawati statues – has come to a symbolic end. Hindu-Muslim issues expert Mannu Raza noted: “I know not many would be happy with this verdict. Especially the TV commentators who love the smell of froth coming out of their mouth. But then, this could have been worse. The land could have been given to Suresh Kalmadi for the next CWG!”

Celebrity-on-call Mahesh Bhatt, though, seemed elated by the verdict. “I have been saying for long that a Sulabh Shauchalaya or a Disneyland kind of structure would be a nice middle ground where people of all religions visited. It turns out they found a good mix of Sulabh Shauchalaya and Disneyland in IIPM”, Bhatt said.

Extremists and skeptics on either side, meanwhile, had a hard day following the leak. “For the last 1-month, I have been stocking-up Maggi, thinking there will be a siege and we will burn all the shops down . Now tell me, what the fuck should I do with all this Maggi?”, was the poignant question by Chunnu in Lucknow.

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Navjot Sidhu To Run Naked If Bharat Bandh Reverses Inflation

Naked is a tongue twister if said while running (Image: sulekha.com)

New Delhi. 5 July 2010.

Apparently inspired by a Paraguayan model, ex-cricketer and BJP MP Navjot Singh Sidhu today claimed that he will run naked through the streets of New Delhi if opposition-sponsored Bharat Bandh manages to reverse the price rise. Speaking to the local media on the eve of opposition’s biggest combined jab at govt. policies in UPA’s second term, Sidhu said – “Guru…the nude is condemned to never being naked. The man who runs is always the man who wears the shoes. And lastly, inflation is, what inflation does.” Soon after, BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad decoded the lines for everybody, to send shock-waves in random directions.

If Paraguay had won, inflation would have run (Image: rediff.com)

“Tomato is so expensive now that I’d rather put petrol in my daal-fry”, said Rajesh Tiwari, a common common-man from Kanpur, “but after this news, I am not sure I would like to have daal-fry ever.” Unsurprisingly, many ‘first reactions’ ranged from “I hope not” to “Why Sidhhu, why not KPS Gill?”. But there was support for the daring MP from some quarters, including from his fans of the hit TV show ‘Laughter Challenge’ where he appeared as a laugh-track. “Sidhu paa ji is just great. We can’t stop laughing when he can’t stop laughing. I wish him all the best for this naked run”, said avid TV viewer Sunny Lokhande from Nagpur.

Abundance of potatoes (Image: sulekha.com)

Sidhu’s announcement, though, has not got ruling UPA worried. “For one, inflation is going up, so the man won’t get a chance”, said Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi. He believed that Bharat Bandh “only managed to help UPA as most of the Metros enjoyed a long weekend and blessed UPA for the holiday. In fact, we are thinking of having a central govt. sponsored Bharat Bandh every alternate month, so that all the accompanying surprises and violence could be better organized, and if possible, marketed. Think of the possibility of a reality show – Bharat Bandh Mein Nach Baliye, and many more.”

Meanwhile, after an exhausting, angry, boring, and hectic day at Bharat Bandh, BJP looks forward to another 8-years of exciting in-fighting, high-adrenalin chintan baithaks, and occassional but high-powered sex-tapes.

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Bhopal GoM Concludes Rajiv Loved Mango Shakes and Arjun Should Get Compensation

Kwality conscious

New Delhi. 20 June 2010.

Finalising its conclusions on Bhopal gas leak, the reconstituted GoM today said that “Rajiv Gandhi loved milk shakes with mangoes. In fact, he was just crazy about them.”

Cabinet Home Minister and GoM member Mr. P. Chidambaram said “Even Arjun Singh, who was the CM at the time of the fatal leak agrees that our ex-PM Shri Rajiv Gandhi simply loved crushed mangoes shaken in an electric mixer with cold milk.” With this, experts and TV news hosts agree, the 26-year long wait for some kind of closure for Bhopal victims has ended.

Warren Anderson, Circa 1984

The GoM submitted a detailed report, with three major big-impact sub-conclusions. First, that on the day of the gas leak Arjun Singh was the CM and hence he should be given due compensation for facing the trauma of the day. Second, Warren Anderson’s escape could be blamed on the national carrier Air India. “Had they been on strike, like many other days of the year 1984 and on, Anderson would have been around for a long time”, said GoM wild card member Suresh Nambiar.

The third conclusion, the most far-reaching one is to constitute another GoM to reach the third conclusion.

Indore, 10:30 am. This banner consumed 34 kgs. of burfi (Image Courtesy: Telegraph India)

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi’s banners and posters nationwide miraculously started accepting and consuming sweets on the congress leader’s 40th birthday. Congress spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi could not be reached for an explanation.

*************

(Third conclusion courtesy: @madversity on twitter)

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Centre Moves To End Manipur Blockade, Wherever Manipur Is

Official India Map: New Delhi Version (Click your fingers to enlarge.)

New Delhi. 15 June 2010.

Moving swiftly after two months, the UPA Central Government today announced concrete steps to end Manipur highway blockade, “wherever Manipur is”. Speaking with a firm grip on the microphone, and a burning determination in his left eye, Union Secretary KG Pillai said, “We have zeroed down on the area. The troops will be moving soon to the North-Eastern part of India and I will let you know as soon as they find Manipur. I am sure we can do that.”

Just kidding

Explaining the slight delay in reacting to the situation, NH-39 and NH-53 have been blocked by Naga groups for 2 months now, Cabinet Home Minister P. Chidambram said: “I would have reacted a couple of weeks earlier, but Arjun Singh hacked my twitter account. So I had no idea that #manipurblockade is a popular hash-tag.” He added with a decisive tap on his spectacles, “You can blame Arjun Singh for this too.”

Meanwhile, Digvijay Singh clarified his oblique “Rajiv Gandhi is guilty for Bhopal” remark today by saying “Hey look! World cup has started.”

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India Honours V. Anand By Offering Him A Place In IPL Team

Future is brighter (Image Courtesy: ChessVibes.com)

New Delhi. 12 May 2010.

“He has done the nation proud! He can select any IPL team he wants to play for, next season”, said an elated M. K. Sabu, Sports Ministry Secretary soon after Vishwanathan Anand retained his World Chess Championship title, beating challenger Topalov in a close match in Bulgaria. Explaining the slightly odd offer, Sabu said that they could have offered him prize money and land worth crores, “but then, he is a world champion! We are giving him the ultimate prize. It’s like bestowing him with a Kaamdhenu.”

Anand was unavailable for comment but KKR team owner SRK tweeted soon after with an affirmative “V can do with a good opener.” Sources confirmed that Anand will be back home by the weekend, and an official delegation of sports ministry, comprising of hired Babu-looking  men and saari-wearing smile-wielding women, as well as clueless officials will be there at the New Delhi airport to receive him.

Waiting for V. Anand (Image Courtesy: Lalit Modi)

Before the official reception next evening, a special slide show presentation, titled ‘Who is V. Anand and why are we felicitating him’, will be held in the secretariat for the various ministers, cricketers, and celebrities attending the party. Indian Cricket team captain MS Dhoni, making it home just in time for the party, seemed happy by the news of Anand winning. “It’s been 2 weeks since we had a good party. Looking fwd”, a random sms by him read.

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi and Bill Gates bonded big time over Amethi’s broken windows and Uttar Pradesh’s barely operating system.

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If UPA Doesn’t Listen, We Will Go To Chandragupta Maurya: Khap

He didn't marry the same goat (Image: Amar Chitra Katha)

Kurukshetra. 11 May 2010/1580.

Demanding an amendment in Hindu Marriage Act, to ban same-subcaste marriages, Haryana’s pride, Khap Panchayats today threatened to involve 12th Century King Prithviraj Chauhan as a mediator.  “Maharaj (P. Chauhan) knows us well. He will speak for us. And as a back-up, we already have spoken to Chandragupta Maurya“, said Khap’s honourable spokesperson and Kurukshetra MP Mr. Naveen Jindal. Bhagat Lal, Khap’s youngest member at 2109 years of age, agreed with Mr. Jindal.

Dismissing the media-hype that Khaps are regressive, dark-age entities, Mr. Jindal honourably gulped and said “to the contrary, Khaps are the most progressive thinkers. The ultra-modern Hookah-joints in metros are our contribution!” Though on the question of honour-killings openly endorsed by Khaps, Mr. Jindal maintained an honourable silence.

Khap Member since 200 B.C. (Image Courtesy: Vague)

Presenting the Khap’s case at a press conference held at a 3rd Century BC cave near Mujaffarnagar, Bhagat Lal seemed confident. “We know Congress Aai will support us. Chhora Rahul loves villages and our simple customs. And then, we are secular, and much smarter than Jairam Ramesh” , Bhagat said with a coolness that comes with a thousand years of practice.

Meanwhile, Indian Hockey team defeated mighty Australia 4-3 in an Azlan Shah Cup tie, making the sport-loving Indians just enough uncomfortable to pause before dismissing it as a fluke.

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