Category Archives: Uncategorized

Samajwadi Party promises a ban on shoe-laces and shirt-buttons to woo poor-vote

Manifesting the manifesto

Manifesting the manifesto

Lucknow. 15 April 2009.

In a move bound to devastate its opposition, Samajwadi Party today promised a complete ban on shoe-laces and shirt-buttons (plastic, wood, or even fiber-glass material) in its election manifesto for the forthcoming Lok Sabha elections. Addressing a media-meet, party chief Mulayam Singh Yadav unbuttoned his own shirt while explaining the need for such a move. “There has been too many buttons now. For the last 200-years or so…we are virtually being ruled by buttons….and even shoe-laces.  This must stop…”, he  announced grandly, as Amar Singh walked in wearing chappals.

Experts believe that SP will make deep inroads into poor territory with this latest set of promises, apparently made to top-off party’s earlier promise of banning computers, tractors, and hair gel – all signs of wealth, style, and technology. Supporting the ban on computers, party’s new poster boy, Sanjay Dutt claimed – “I don’t know why the world is going crazy about computers. I mean…I didn’t see any difference between Windows-47 and Windows-56. Or was it XP-47 and XP-56?”

Rabble Ho!Meanwhile, BJP’s Pilibhit Lok Sabha candidate Varun Gandhi cut-off an umpire’s hand in Sanjay Gandhi Memorial Inter-Jail Tennis Ball Cricket Tournament. Umpire’s fault? He raised his hand to indicate an LBW decision.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Chidambram apologizes to his shoe-thrower for being so annoying

Boo!

Boo!

8 April 2009. New Delhi.

Overcome with shame, guilt, realization and recession, ex-Finance Minister, and now-Home Minister P. Chidambram today apologized to the shoe-chucker journalist Journail Singh for being “so annoying and incoherent over the last few months, and especially during the fateful press-conference that the poor journalist had no choice but to part with his leather shoe.”

“This is not the first time that somebody has thrown a shoe at me, and honest to God, I know, it’s not the last time too”, Chidu reflected at the inauguration of a shoe-factory in the Capital, just two days after the incident. He added, in a nostalgic vein, that his school-teacher Subbu Sir was the first to throw a shoe (army boots!) at him, when “as a kid, I did a basic mistake in calculating 7 minus 7, and in stead did 7 plus 7; a kind of mistake I did recently too, while calculating our economy’s growth rate.”

Chidambram praised Journail Singh for “being considerate enough to take only right-foot shoe off, and that too, he ‘offered’ gently rather than giving it a full-blooded throw.”  More praise came Journail’s way as Chidambram added, with a heartfelt glint in his right-eye, “Without suggesting that Journail Singh was slow at all, I still appreciate his lethargic throw, which gave me enough time to duck or side-step.”

Meanwhile, journalist’s groups as well as little-known religious outfits have taken offense at Chidambram’s latest comments. They have vowed to shut shops, burn state buses, and cause panic, mayhem and pain-in-the-ass in general since Chidambram has “hurt religious, professional, and leather material sentiments” by using “letahrgy, leather, Singh, and throw” in a single sentence.

Far from all this media tamasha around his simple act of removing a kankad from his shoe-sole, Journail Singh is charting new frontiers. Signed on as a TV Reality show’s new judge, he will be throwing shoes at the participants who don’t perform well, or perform too well. And before you get it all wrong, the channel executive clarifies, “Of course, there will be viewer voting on who to “shoe” and who to not.”

********

10 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Oscar Academy Member Who Didn’t Vote for Slumdog Hospitalized Following a “Guilt-attack”

The compulsion

Los Angeles. 22 February 2009.

Andrew Shueberg, a 38-year old member of the coveted Academy that selects Oscar Award winners every year, had an inkling this would happen. He called up his wife, his girlfriend, and his mother in a span of 30-minutes, just before casting his vote against ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and in favor of Kate Winslet starrer ‘The Reader’.

His wife Kathleen recalls “he was unusually nervous that evening and kept on asking was he a good man, a good christian, a good American?” It was only after she convinced him on at least two counts did he hang up, Kathleen confirms. But still, doctors at LA State Hospital add, it was not enough as just an hour later, Andrew was over-come with a guilt-attack and tried to jump in the “loo-bucket” of the Academy Building at 23rd Street. His close friend, and co-voter Sammy

The result

Wusstein (who incidentally did vote for Slumdog) heard him shouting – “Let me do this once. Let me feel the pain…somebody mess up my life please.”

Though currently stable and under observation, doctors worry that Shueberg’s condition may flare up again if and when he sees poverty, shit, guns, beggars, call centers or any of the stereotypes related to India or ‘Slumdog Millionaire’. LASH’s psychologist, incidentally an Indian, Dr. Banku Patel, calls Shueberg’s medical condition “a fast-rising clinical phenomenon in the West, where too much exposure to third-world living conditions may drive the patient to feel bad about his/her comforts.”

Meanwhile, the academy awards ceremony was all but swept by ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ but Brad Pitt of ‘Benjamin Button’ fame is still hopeful. “We WILL win it LAST YEAR”, Benjamin Button claimed.

5 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

“Mumbai attacks planned on Uranus” – Pakistan Minister confesses

The original sinner

Islamabad. 14 February 2009.

In a rare moment of candid confession, Pakistan’s Interior Minister Rehman Malik disclosed in a televised interview that Mumbai Terror attacks of 26/11 were actually planned on Uranus, the 7th planet in our Solar System. Reacting to India’s strong statements post the attacks, Malik said that he had gone though the dossier sent by India and “liked the page furmatting, very Flum-fair like!! Good pitchersss too!”

On being asked about the reports suggesting Pakistan had confessed that the attacks were planned on “Pakistani soil”, Malik bent forward and explained – “That’s what I said ma-daam’. Pakistani-soil is whutt you find on Uranus! Black, Sindh-type soil…we call it Uranus-soil in Pakistan and I guess, at Uranus, they would be calling it Pakistani soil…no?”

The truth seeker

In spite of the hostilities and Uranus being ‘so far away’, he sounded hopeful for future relations “as for the first time since partition, Pakistan has a playboy as President while India has a clueless lady as the counterpart.”

Also, on being alleged that Pakistan is accepting the reposnibilty of the attacks only at the behest of FBI and USA, Rehman Malik just shrugged and said – ‘How could they pressurize us? Who are they? Taliban?’

5 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Cultural Groups Want 14th February To Be Removed From Indian Calendars

"You won't miss anything. That's a promise."

"You won't miss anything. That's a promise."

Mumbai. 10 February 2009. 

Cultural groups or Senas from all over country convened in the city yesterday to demand the “absolute removal” of 14th February as a “date, day, or number” from Indian calendars.   The much-anticipated demand was put forward by the latest poster-boy of hindu-male emancipation, ProMod Much-a-Lick,  and was seconded by MNS Chief Raj Thakarey who added – “We can replace 14th February with a new date called Phod-Det (meaning blast-it), where we will have competitions like ‘Torch a state transport bus in 20-seconds’ or ‘Slap a girl, be a man!’. And of course, the names will be in Marathi.”

Though he failed to explain how these proposed activities on ‘Phod Det’ are any different from what they have been doing on the Valentine’s Day for the last few years, his cousin Udhhav justified that “if British can have hotels with no 13th floor, Hitler could live healthy with just one testicle,  why can’t we have a February with no 14th day. And in any case, February already has 32 days. Or is it 33?” 

In a related incident, another Congress senior expressed his love for Rahul Gandhi and nobody noticed.

10 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Shakti Kapoor to contest Lok Sabha elections from Kanpur

A day in the life of Shakti Kapoor

A day in the life of Shakti Kapoor

Kanpur. 11 January 2009.

In a pragmatic political move, Bahujan Samaj Party today fielded the illustrious screen icon and  sting-operation expert Shakti Kapoor as it’s Lok Sabha election candidate from the industrial city of Kanpur in Uttar Pradesh.

The announcement comes just a couple of days after BSP’s arch rival Samajwadi Party surprised everybody including Sanjay Dutt by choosing him as it’s candidate from  neighboring Lucknow. Addressing the media in the newly inaugurated “Ambedkar Park Number 1098”, party leader Satish Chandra Mishra hinted at “having Shakti Kapoor’s close friend Sherlyn Chopra as a padded back-up, just like SP has Manyata for doing a Rabri.”

Reacting to the news, Shakti Kapoor said “Cheers!”

Next morning, he further added that he always wanted to “serve” the nation and “had that sting-operation not cut me short, everybody would have known what I am capable of.”

Meanwhile, Sanju and Manyata have expressed their happiness at being on the verge of candidacy from Lucknow, “wherever that is.”

****************

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Farmers confuse Rs. 60,000 Cr. loan waiver with IPL: Chidambram to issue a clarification before Left fells the Government

Yorker on a different fieldIdeas in his veshti-fold

Satara. 14 March 2008.

In 27th incident of its kind in the last 2 weeks, another Gram Panchaayat, this time in Maharashtra’s Satara District, has refused to believe that the Rs. 60,000 Crore farmer loan-waiver is a 2008-09 Union Budget provision and not the “total money spent in IPL auctions”.

Voicing his fears, Satara’s Teenshet village Sarpanch Baburao Phanse said – “You must be kidding! Why would government suddenly waive our loans, especially when they are putting so much money in Cricket.” A nation-wide rural survey by independent agency ISCKON-JAM confirms that Baburao is not alone in thinking so and most of the villagers prove their point by showing full-page advertisements featuring BCCI Chief (and coincidentally, Union Agriculture Minister) Sharad Pawar alongside the big number. “He is the Cricket Chief, ain’t he!?”, screams an enthusiastic villager in Andhra Pradesh, before continuing to abuse Pawar for “not having a single Hyderabadi Cricketer in the ODI team.”

Visibly hurt by the useless controversy surrounding his otherwise clean-as-veshti budget, Finance Minister P. Chidambram promised opposition parties in Lok Sabha today that he will issue an unequivocal clarification as soon as the left parties make up their mind to pull the government down. Terming it as a “tit-for-tat” mental strategy to tame the left, Chidambram added – “They are not the only ones who can threaten!” And as for farmers confusing loan-waiver with IPL, Chidambram said – “In hindsight, that’s not a bad idea – launching a cricket league of our own to set-off more loans.”

Just in: Amitabh Bachchan has moved a legal notice in Mumbai High Court claiming that ABCL is a farming company and as promised in the budget, his debt of Rs. 1000 Crore be waived with immediate effect.

4 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

IPL Aftershocks: Indian team teases Aussies for low auction prices per kilo; hurt Kirti Aazaad manhandles Ishant

The battle is not yet overI came power-dressed because I thought we are going to have a power-play

Melbourne. 22 February 2008.

The Cricketing World has not been in such a turmoil since Kapil Dev pronounced Hansie Cronje as “Hansi Karonje” Live on ESPN, during a World Cup telecast in 1996. But now, the variable pricing for invariably inconsistent players in IPL has started creating fault-lines across and through the teams.

Indian team, riding high on Deepika Padukone’s latest text message to Yuvraj and the high bids of IPL, today marched in front of Aussie dressing room and teased Ricky Ponting and company for “getting at least Rs. 12 Crore less” than them in the IPL auctions. Doing some quick on-the-spot Mathematics, Harbhajan concluded that Ishant Sharma is Rs. 20 Lakh per kilo more expensive than Andrew Symonds, since Symonds earns Rs. 2 Crores more than Ishant but also weighs around 40 kilos more.
*
Ponting didn’t take the ‘Jeetendra gestures’ being made by Indian team lightly and promised to find a way to weaken the Australian economy so that the Rupee-to-Aussie-Dollar conversion rate becomes favorable and his team could “fill some of the valuation gap!” He also threatened to take the matter to ICC, and “if ICC proves useless, then to ICC bosses in India, namely BCCI.”
*
In a related incident, former Delhi captain and presently TV host Kirti Aazaad landed up in Melbourne and tried to manhandle Ishant Sharma, reportedly “for making so much money.” Though Ishant didn’t incur any injuries, he admitted he could understand “what some of the veterans and senior players of the team were going through.”
*
Meanwhile in Mohali, Preity Zinta took a tour of PCA Cricket stadium to “understand the game” she has “invested in.” The ‘what’s-going-on’ starlet from 2006 blockbuster ‘Salaam Namaste’ was really impressed by the “quality of stumps being used in Cricket now-a-days!” Waving a stump, which she kept on addressing as “middle-stump”, Zinta gushed – “I am sure we will win – or at least reach the penalty shoot-out.”
*******************

6 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

23 American states tighten the ‘Campus Shootout Law’: No shootouts allowed during lunch hours

Towards a secure lunch hour

Illinois, 16 February.

Responding just in time to the ever-rising menace of on-campus shootouts, 23 American states, including South Dakota and Wyoming and excluding Nebraska, today passed resolutions to tighten the already existing Anti-Campus-Shootout Laws. According to new stringent codes, no shootouts will be allowed during the lunch hours and only one shootout per University campus during the dinner time. “Of course, we will have different summer, spring, winter, and autumn timings for lunch/dinner in different states,” clarified Springfield Senator Bubba Livingstone, the man behind this “mission” to make college campuses a center of learning and fearless eating breaks. Waving a copy of the law, Bubba added that “the lunatic, anti-social killers have no right disrupting the traditionally peaceful food breaks, and ought to show some concern for public manners.”

Phoenix Police Chief Viggo Corleonni agreed that it was high time such a law be passed and implemented to “put some sense back into these shit-heads who treat shootouts as a visit to China – very cheap and very mindless.” Many social psychologists believe that just a ‘lunch hour overrule’ may not be enough to abet the potential attack, as “the shooter may not be much of an eater” and hence, may not distinguish between the “stupid British distinctions for Lunch, Dinner and Breakfast, in any order!”

But the eerie final word on the raging issue came from Jimmy Jendrix, a fake profile owner on Orkut who successfully runs the cult community, “Killers Inc.”, for crazy shooters. Jimmy’s auto-scrap (automatic messaging on Orkut) to more than 20 Million users of the social networking site read – “Burger!”

Just in: Psychologists and FBI’s grammatical wing are still out there decoding it, but it sure sounds sinister.

6 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Obama hires Michael Jackson as campaign manager: Hopes to woo blacks, whites, men and women in single sweep

Obama has nothing to hide Namaste World
Washington. 13th February.

The race for American Presidency is throwing up surprises faster than you could say ‘moonwalk’, and the latest one comes from Illinois Senator and Democratic candidate Barack Obama. To rival democrat Hillary Clinton’s great dismay, Obama has hired famous singer, dancer, and child-home fund-raiser Michael Jackson as his campaign manager for the 2009 elections.

Obama firmly believes that MJ works as “a great package, since he is a black, a white, a man, and a woman, all at the same time, not to mention his equal lack of knowledge about Republicans and Democrats.” Renowned BPO expert and Narayanmurthy-for-President Society volunteer Thomas Friedman agreed that “America couldn’t have had a better role model for the freedom of gender choice, racial expression and which fairness cream to apply.” Visibly excited over his masterstroke, Obama further explained – “In such a high-pressure campaign, you do need a stress-buster or two at times. In my free time, especially during the Youtube Debates, I will write poetry for MJ’s next album.”

Meanwhile, seeing Lady Clinton’s fast sinking fortunes, Bill Clinton made an urgent call to UNO and announced his availability for the next-leg of UN AIDS Awareness Program. “At least there is a chance there…”, mumbled Bill before walking away.
For his part, Michael Jackson thanked Obama for choosing him over Paris Hilton, and conveyed his full undivided faith in the young contender by saying – “I love him. He is such a kid!”

10 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized