Monthly Archives: March 2010

Indo-Pak Talks: Shocking Stats Declassified

Gossip Never Dies

New Delhi. 9 March 2010.

While cleaning the Foreign Secretary office for the upcoming Commonwealth Games (poll-vault contenders are being put up in FS office, owing to space constraints in the games village), a Grade 4 employee of GoI stumbled upon some shocking classified documents related to Indo-Pak Foreign Secertary level talks over the years.

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The documents, prepared by an unknown agency, confirm the doubts that Indian bureaucracy is lagging much behind its Pakistani counterpart in all crucial areas like ‘firm handshake’ (Pak scores 78, India 22), ‘cold stares’ (again, Pak scores 288, India a paltry 84), and recreational activities like Antakshari (Pak beat India 94-25 once) and Langdi Taang (again, Pak won 80-55).

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Though India did win the odd game of I-Spy (in 1995; the game has since been scrapped due to copyright infringement of ISI), such moments have been few and far between.

The data revealed also includes a detailed break-up of the total man-hours spent in these talks, as well as a ‘first yawn time’ analysis, giving out the clocked time for the first official yawn into the meeting. Noticeably, Indian officials lag in this crucial area too.

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As former undersecretary and now Governor of some north-eastern state in India, Mr. Satpal Singh Ahluwalia says – “First yawn is like the first kiss in a date. The one who moves faster decides the rest of the course. Unfortunately, we give too little importance to such nuances.”

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Though there has been no clarification or denial from the government, unconfirmed reports suggest heads will roll in the secretariat and many tough questions will be asked, including how did they manage to lose WWF Trump Card game in spite of a budget spend of over 120 Crores for that particular activity in last decade alone.


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