Bhopal GoM Concludes Rajiv Loved Mango Shakes and Arjun Should Get Compensation

Kwality conscious

New Delhi. 20 June 2010.

Finalising its conclusions on Bhopal gas leak, the reconstituted GoM today said that “Rajiv Gandhi loved milk shakes with mangoes. In fact, he was just crazy about them.”

Cabinet Home Minister and GoM member Mr. P. Chidambaram said “Even Arjun Singh, who was the CM at the time of the fatal leak agrees that our ex-PM Shri Rajiv Gandhi simply loved crushed mangoes shaken in an electric mixer with cold milk.” With this, experts and TV news hosts agree, the 26-year long wait for some kind of closure for Bhopal victims has ended.

Warren Anderson, Circa 1984

The GoM submitted a detailed report, with three major big-impact sub-conclusions. First, that on the day of the gas leak Arjun Singh was the CM and hence he should be given due compensation for facing the trauma of the day. Second, Warren Anderson’s escape could be blamed on the national carrier Air India. “Had they been on strike, like many other days of the year 1984 and on, Anderson would have been around for a long time”, said GoM wild card member Suresh Nambiar.

The third conclusion, the most far-reaching one is to constitute another GoM to reach the third conclusion.

Indore, 10:30 am. This banner consumed 34 kgs. of burfi (Image Courtesy: Telegraph India)

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi’s banners and posters nationwide miraculously started accepting and consuming sweets on the congress leader’s 40th birthday. Congress spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi could not be reached for an explanation.

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(Third conclusion courtesy: @madversity on twitter)

India Honours V. Anand By Offering Him A Place In IPL Team

Future is brighter (Image Courtesy: ChessVibes.com)

New Delhi. 12 May 2010.

“He has done the nation proud! He can select any IPL team he wants to play for, next season”, said an elated M. K. Sabu, Sports Ministry Secretary soon after Vishwanathan Anand retained his World Chess Championship title, beating challenger Topalov in a close match in Bulgaria. Explaining the slightly odd offer, Sabu said that they could have offered him prize money and land worth crores, “but then, he is a world champion! We are giving him the ultimate prize. It’s like bestowing him with a Kaamdhenu.”

Anand was unavailable for comment but KKR team owner SRK tweeted soon after with an affirmative “V can do with a good opener.” Sources confirmed that Anand will be back home by the weekend, and an official delegation of sports ministry, comprising of hired Babu-looking  men and saari-wearing smile-wielding women, as well as clueless officials will be there at the New Delhi airport to receive him.

Waiting for V. Anand (Image Courtesy: Lalit Modi)

Before the official reception next evening, a special slide show presentation, titled ‘Who is V. Anand and why are we felicitating him’, will be held in the secretariat for the various ministers, cricketers, and celebrities attending the party. Indian Cricket team captain MS Dhoni, making it home just in time for the party, seemed happy by the news of Anand winning. “It’s been 2 weeks since we had a good party. Looking fwd”, a random sms by him read.

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi and Bill Gates bonded big time over Amethi’s broken windows and Uttar Pradesh’s barely operating system.

If UPA Doesn’t Listen, We Will Go To Chandragupta Maurya: Khap

He didn't marry the same goat (Image: Amar Chitra Katha)

Kurukshetra. 11 May 2010/1580.

Demanding an amendment in Hindu Marriage Act, to ban same-subcaste marriages, Haryana’s pride, Khap Panchayats today threatened to involve 12th Century King Prithviraj Chauhan as a mediator.  “Maharaj (P. Chauhan) knows us well. He will speak for us. And as a back-up, we already have spoken to Chandragupta Maurya“, said Khap’s honourable spokesperson and Kurukshetra MP Mr. Naveen Jindal. Bhagat Lal, Khap’s youngest member at 2109 years of age, agreed with Mr. Jindal.

Dismissing the media-hype that Khaps are regressive, dark-age entities, Mr. Jindal honourably gulped and said “to the contrary, Khaps are the most progressive thinkers. The ultra-modern Hookah-joints in metros are our contribution!” Though on the question of honour-killings openly endorsed by Khaps, Mr. Jindal maintained an honourable silence.

Khap Member since 200 B.C. (Image Courtesy: Vague)

Presenting the Khap’s case at a press conference held at a 3rd Century BC cave near Mujaffarnagar, Bhagat Lal seemed confident. “We know Congress Aai will support us. Chhora Rahul loves villages and our simple customs. And then, we are secular, and much smarter than Jairam Ramesh” , Bhagat said with a coolness that comes with a thousand years of practice.

Meanwhile, Indian Hockey team defeated mighty Australia 4-3 in an Azlan Shah Cup tie, making the sport-loving Indians just enough uncomfortable to pause before dismissing it as a fluke.

Rahul Gandhi’s Coming-of-Age Movie Finds No Buyers

The Official 'First Look'

New Delhi/Lucknow 25 September 2009

Perhaps it was not a good idea to start with. Rahul Gandhi’s ambitious coming-of-age movie, ‘PAPPU CAN DANCE SAALA’, under-production for the last 7-years, is close to completion now. But unfortunately, and cynics say expectedly, the Rs. 2000 Crore film has no takers.

Shot entirely on-location primarily in Uttar Pradesh, Maharashtra and India’s Capital New Delhi, and featuring cameos by Kalawati, Milliband, Shahrukh Khan and a bunch of Doon School pass-outs, the closely guarded storyline is rumored to have Rahul zip across the country, especially the dark state of Uttar Pradesh, to find himself. Film’s screenwriter Joyen Coterie admitted this much in a recent interview – “It’s a man’s internal journey – to find his identity away from his family name. Of course, he uses his family name to find this ‘away identity’ easily. That’s the only cinematic liberty we have taken.”

A leaked publicity still

The film, already in news, for the Rs. 1000 Crore item song called ‘NREGA NREGA’, is being directed by Hollywood’s horror specialist John Eyres and Produced by Indian Government’s ‘Progeny Progress Fund’ (PPF).

Among other problems, the unnamed sources add, is the tricky question of film’s climax. “We are still struggling with how the film ends. We have already shot 27 different endings, the latest one being Rahul running through the fields of Lakhimpur Kheri, and hugging a dalit. An earlier one we liked a lot was Rahul pointing to his white kurta and saying ‘Now that’s austerity’ but then, he winked before we could cut the shot.”

Just acting

The makers, PPF Pictures (Very Very) Private Limited, are looking for a Diwali release but it all depends on distributors and a suitable climax. Or if, as some experts say, they could add another item song worth another Rs. 1000 Crore – ‘Maiyya Maiyya’.

Newborn baby predicts poll outcome, while Rahul Gandhi doesn’t rule out post-poll alliance with Balochistan National Congress

"Hung...Hung...Hung" (Pic Courtesy: Indianhindunames.com)

New Delhi. 12 May 2009.

Villagers of Shahpur Baadli in Delhi’s adjacent Okhla District are still in a shock as a lady gave birth to a miracle baby, termed aptly as ‘Polu’ by the local media. Reports suggest that the newborn can be called India’s youngest poll-pundit as the baby has been muttering ‘hung…hung…hung’ unstoppably since her birth two days ago. Baby ‘Polu’ has also given other indications as to what could be in store for the bigger parties by peeing on her ‘hand’ and biting the ‘lotus’ when presented to her.

Polu’s father Banwaari, a Congress supporter himself (mainly because he finds Priyanka’s fashion sense good), said that he suspected something strange pretty early as the kid bawled badly at seeing the picture of Sonia Gandhi but smiled beatifically on being shown Jaya Prada and Amar Singh’s poster. TV Psephologists and Astrologers, led by Bejan Daruwala and Yogendra Yadav, have dismissed the whole incident as a sabotage-bid by the villagers adding – “That’s ridiculous! Poll-prediction is data based, highly sophisticated, statistical, and divine exercise. We have the data, and our prediction is Hung Parliament. Who is that kid?”

No borders, post-poll

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi cleared the decks for more post-poll alliances and didn’t rule out a “look at Balochistan National Congress for a secular government soon.” Rubbishing media claims that INC is falling short of allies, Rahul Gandhi emphasized “the need for an open mind post-polls.” “Balochsitan is not far-off, and they are Congress anyways!”, he concluded.

Zoozoo mania: Advani promises more Zoozoos, Rahul Gandhi claims Zoozoos are Gandhis

Easy Icons (Pic Courtesy: Vodafone)

New Delhi. 06 May 2009.

As reports of four Zoozoos being kidnapped from a Mumbai studio remain unconfirmed, BJP’s PM candidate LK Advani today promised “more Zoozoos” if elected to power. Speaking at an election rally in Nainital in Uttaranchal, Advani waved a Zoozoo poster as he told the waiting crowd – “People say we don’t have election issues this time round. People say we don’t have a promise of hope and change like Mr. Oh-Bhama had. I say, we have Zoozoo…and our government will make sure we have a Zoozoo for every Indian, Uma Bharti included. ” At another election rally in the nearby village of Kumdi, Advani even convinced party leader Mr. Venkaiah Naidu to dress-up in a Zoozoo suit but unfortunately his legs were too thick to slip into.

Not one to be left behind, Congress hope Rahul Gandhi too called a special press conference and smiled for ten minutes. As a parting note, he told the gathering that “Zoozoos are Gandhis and there is no doubt about that.” Explaining his claim, he added – “Look at the crazy fan-following….look at their gibberish talks, and how can you miss their cute blunders!”

Khooni Tantrik

Meanwhile in Mumbai, PETA roped in yesteryear’s film-star and “Son-of-Dracula” Joginder in a campaign to “Save Zoozoos” from exploitation in TV Ads. PETA spokesperson in India, Alissa Beafcake, expressed her joy at “getting Joginder in, especially since after Sherlyn Chopra, we were running out of celebrities supporting our cause.”