India Honours V. Anand By Offering Him A Place In IPL Team

Future is brighter (Image Courtesy: ChessVibes.com)

New Delhi. 12 May 2010.

“He has done the nation proud! He can select any IPL team he wants to play for, next season”, said an elated M. K. Sabu, Sports Ministry Secretary soon after Vishwanathan Anand retained his World Chess Championship title, beating challenger Topalov in a close match in Bulgaria. Explaining the slightly odd offer, Sabu said that they could have offered him prize money and land worth crores, “but then, he is a world champion! We are giving him the ultimate prize. It’s like bestowing him with a Kaamdhenu.”

Anand was unavailable for comment but KKR team owner SRK tweeted soon after with an affirmative “V can do with a good opener.” Sources confirmed that Anand will be back home by the weekend, and an official delegation of sports ministry, comprising of hired Babu-looking  men and saari-wearing smile-wielding women, as well as clueless officials will be there at the New Delhi airport to receive him.

Waiting for V. Anand (Image Courtesy: Lalit Modi)

Before the official reception next evening, a special slide show presentation, titled ‘Who is V. Anand and why are we felicitating him’, will be held in the secretariat for the various ministers, cricketers, and celebrities attending the party. Indian Cricket team captain MS Dhoni, making it home just in time for the party, seemed happy by the news of Anand winning. “It’s been 2 weeks since we had a good party. Looking fwd”, a random sms by him read.

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi and Bill Gates bonded big time over Amethi’s broken windows and Uttar Pradesh’s barely operating system.

Team India depressed as no-match fixing allowed in World-T20

2 May 2010. St Lucia.

It was a bitter moment of truth for Indian pace bowler Vikram Mehra (name changed on request) as he walked up to captain Suresh Shetty (name changed on request), during India’s first World T20 tie with Afghanistan. Vikram was just following the protocol when he asked Shetty – “How many boundaries in this over captain? Do you want the 5-wide that goes behind the wicketkeeper first up or shall I save it for the end of the over? More drama…eh?” The captain’s moist-eyed reminder to him that “IPL is over”, and this is World T20, left the party-animal Mehra shaken.

Mehra is not alone. If sources are to be believed, almost every player in Indian dressing room is feeling the pinch. Says Rajendra Makwana (name changed on payment), India’s biggest-hitter in T20s: “It’s insulting to get out just because the bowler has bowled a good ball. Earlier, in IPL, we got out only when we wanted. And were getting paid for it too! This is crap.” For new players like Arjun Paliwal (name changed to protect identity), who is incidentally making his International debut with this World T20, the situation is even more disorienting. “I grew up listening to the tales of late night parties, babes, and a lap-dance for Sid Mallya. The atmosphere here is highly disillusionary” he says, before casually reciting an over-by-over “fixing-table” to show how prepared he had come to this format. “I can really cram the whole ball-by-ball fixing pattern – I could’ve been an asset”, he bets.

Team coach and manager KK (name shortened on request) though chooses to look at the silver linings. “Shonali Nagrani is still here. So is Rameez Raja!  We are not really misisng Mandira and Sameer Kochhar that much”, he smiles. But prod a little deeper and Kotla-like cracks start to appear in his ‘all-is-well’ demeanour. “I see Lalit Modi in my dreams”, he confesses while hiding his eyes behind dark glasses. “Those were good times”, he adds before walking off.

Though the team has won its first two encounters, and captain Shetty is confident they can shrug-off the memories of a Preity Zinta DLF maximum hug, an SRK maxx-mobile pep talk, a Lalit Modi MRF smile, and a late night Russian-accented karbonn kamaal phone call, the road ahead looks tough. Team veteran and India’s off-spin hope James Bond (name swapped with who he thinks he is) puts things in perspective when he says – “T20 is dying!”

Pakistan Hurt At ‘Phir Mile Sur Mera Tumhara’ Snub Now

Pakistan's Meera, missing from 'Mile Sur' video

Islamabad. 27 January 2010.

With the hurt of IPL-snub still fresh, Pakistani glitterati, sport-stars, and ex-army chiefs were shocked to find that the new video for India’s national integration song ‘Mile Sur Mera Tumhara’ didn’t feature a single Pakistani – dead or alive.”This is the stuff great insults are made of”, said an official press release from Pakistan’s External Affairs (East-Side)  ministry.

The strongly-worded press note, printed on the back-side of India’s 26/11 dossier, went on to blame India for “this well-planned conspiracy.” An MEA spokesman, reading from the note, further added that -“if they had no intentions of involving any Pakistani in this video, why did they show so many Pakistanis in ‘Aman ki Asha’ then? Why did they casually show our ex-air chief in a ‘Save Girl Child’ campaign? This is a pin-holder in CBM balloon.”

The mood in Indian media was none different with many top opinion-makers including Suhel Seth and Madhu Kishwar coming out against this “obvious bias” by the ad agency that produced the video. “Shiamak Davar??!!”, screamed Suhel Seth, “What is he doing in the video? Couldn’t we have General Kiyani or Jemima Khan instead? Or Meera – she is a star at par with Deepika.” Seth’s co-panelist, Madhu Kishwar, was equally critical, and asked “If we can have the whole of Bollywood in IPL and the whole of Bollywood in ‘Mile sur’, then why is it wrong to demand Pakistan’s representation in both? What happened to celebrity-to-celebrity contact roadmap?”

Strong opinions, those

Indian minister and avid tweeter, Shashi Tharoor also called Pakistan’s hurt justified, and tweeted “whr is afridi zrdari amisha gul png? srk was good. salman ok. video good bt bad diplmacy. flying to vegas – life’s a gamble. @smkrishna #fun”.

Meanwhile, the latest leaks coming in from Pakistan suggest a strong diplomatic rebuttal. “We may issue a circular, barring all our diplomats from using Dabur Dant Manjan in the morning. See how Indian companies will suffer now!”, a source claimed.

IPL commentator dies of excitement during strategy break

Johnnie…no more in the picture.

Cape Town. 14 May 2009.

Silencing T20 critics and ICL supporters in one blow, Johnnie Oswald, the New Zealand born famous IPL commentator died here of a heart-attack while announcing the very exciting ‘strategy break’ feature of an IPL 2.0 game between Delhi Daredevils and Rajasthan Royals. Eyewitnesses and fellow cheer-girls later confirmed that Johnnie just loved announcing ‘strategy break’ in the most heart-thumping, outlandish way and today he just overdid it. Johnnie’s last sentence, though unfinished, was – “Strategy Break!! This is where they win or lose!! Goosebumps all over the place…I feel like…”

Johnnie’s death comes at a time when critics of the format, and especially ‘strategy break’ innovation, are running amok calling it another step in whoring of Cricket, “and that too, in the most boring way.” IPL’s veteran host Arun Lal, sitting next to Johnnie at the time of mishap, summed up his shock while speaking to a Lalit-Modi approved news channel – “Johnnie did a ‘Yo-Man’ service to the format. I think his death was a Citi Moment of Shock for me, and he will be Pepsi-missed in the commentary box. And trust me, he was DLFucking good with his job!” 

After the failure of 4-captain theory, IPL team tries Af-Pak policy to improve results

Obama on Af-Pak

The real beneficiary

Durban. 21 April 2009.

The furore following IPL team Knight Riders’ four-captain-theory is yet to die down, but the team has gone ahead and embraced another fancy and equally controversial policy to up its fortunes. Team owner and love-mera-hit-hit star Shahrukh Khan today announced his willingness to “try-out” US President Mr. Barack Obama’s grand Af-Pak policy to give his boys the much-needed fillip in the second season of India’s local cricket tournament, which incidentally, is being played in South Africa this year.

Explaining the new development, Knight Riders’ coach John Buchanan said that “the team needs something which is raw, fancy, and absolutely impractical, as that’s what the IPL format demands. I mean, you can’t be more impractical than Shane Warne, and he won it last year.” Though Mr. Obama couldn’t be reached directly, he was busy formulating Kar-Tam policy for resolving the Karnataka-Tamilnadu Cauvery Water dispute,  his office expressed delight at getting the news. “That’s a start! Somebody in South-East Asia recognizing our policy”, the short message from White House read.

Though there is still vagueness regarding how Af-Pak will be implemented by KKR, fellow teams insist that it’s just another name for ‘Four-Captain-Theory’ where everybody takes decisions and nobody takes the responsibility.

Thank God for racism!

Meanwhile, Team Rajasthan Royals’ stake-holder Shilpa Shetty today expressed her shock at realizing that IPL is “not a Big Brother type reality show! I mean, where is the voting, bitching, nudity, abusive language, and fake emotions?. Lalit Modi sold me the package with these tags, and he lied.” Lalit Modi, in his defense, just said – “I didn’t lie.”

IPL Aftershocks: Indian team teases Aussies for low auction prices per kilo; hurt Kirti Aazaad manhandles Ishant

Melbourne. 22 February 2008.

The Cricketing World has not been in such a turmoil since Kapil Dev pronounced Hansie Cronje as “Hansi Karonje” Live on ESPN, during a World Cup telecast in 1996. But now, the variable pricing for invariably inconsistent players in IPL has started creating fault-lines across and through the teams.

Indian team, riding high on Deepika Padukone’s latest text message to Yuvraj and the high bids of IPL, today marched in front of Aussie dressing room and teased Ricky Ponting and company for “getting at least Rs. 12 Crore less” than them in the IPL auctions. Doing some quick on-the-spot Mathematics, Harbhajan concluded that Ishant Sharma is Rs. 20 Lakh per kilo more expensive than Andrew Symonds, since Symonds earns Rs. 2 Crores more than Ishant but also weighs around 40 kilos more.

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Ponting didn’t take the ‘Jeetendra gestures’ being made by Indian team lightly and promised to find a way to weaken the Australian economy so that the Rupee-to-Aussie-Dollar conversion rate becomes favorable and his team could “fill some of the valuation gap!” He also threatened to take the matter to ICC, and “if ICC proves useless, then to ICC bosses in India, namely BCCI.”

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In a related incident, former Delhi captain and presently TV host Kirti Aazaad landed up in Melbourne and tried to manhandle Ishant Sharma, reportedly “for making so much money.” Though Ishant didn’t incur any injuries, he admitted he could understand “what some of the veterans and senior players of the team were going through.”

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Meanwhile in Mohali, Preity Zinta took a tour of PCA Cricket stadium to “understand the game” she has “invested in.” The ‘what’s-going-on’ starlet from 2006 blockbuster ‘Salaam Namaste’ was really impressed by the “quality of stumps being used in Cricket now-a-days!” Waving a stump, which she kept on addressing as “middle-stump”, Zinta gushed – “I am sure we will win – or at least reach the penalty shoot-out.”

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