Monthly Archives: July 2009

Manmohan Singh’s Confessions On ‘Sach Ka Saamna’ – A Hangover, No Memory Of A Thing From NAM

Truth is stranger than democracy

Truth is stranger than democracy

New Delhi. 28 July 2009.

Appearing on the controversial reality show ‘Sach Ka Saamna’, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh today confessed to a case of serious hangover and possible drugging at the recently held NAM Summit in Sheikh ‘el Sharm (also referred as Sheikh ‘ul Sharm in 33 percent media and Sheikh ‘al Sharm in another 33 percent) while admitting that he remembers “nothing of what happened in those 24-hours” when he was supposed to meet Pakistani diplomats.

Standing bravely in front of an audience comprising of his family members as well as Yashwant Sinha and Prakash Karat, Mr. Singh confessed that “All I remember is that next morning, I woke up with a blond look-alike (later identified as Mr. Jairam Ramesh), a swollen eye, a potato on my face, and a white elephant in my backyard. And yes, a love letter was lying on my dressing table, with no name and no love words, except an address that read ‘Balochistan'”

Hungama hai kyun barrpa...

Hungama hai kyun barrpa...

Expressly dismissing the media reports and opposition interpretation that India had sold-out its diplomatic advantage in those few hours of madness, Prime Minister popped a cool mint and added – “That’s not true. At least there is no proof. At least we think so.”

Responding to a pointed query by host Rajeev Khandelwal ( “Do you even remember going to NAM then?” ), Dr. Singh looked sideways before gulping and adding – “Actually I don’t.” As drama built in usually ultra-dramatic TV show, he continued – “The last I remember is me asking my secretary in Dilli – ‘Why the hell are we still having this Nam-Sham? Teeto-sheeto is dead for long. Nahin?'”

Though CBI has been entrusted with the job of finding out who, if any, drugged the Indian contingent at an already-drugged-out summit like NAM, the agency has asked for a leave of absence to first find out which ministers are watching ‘Sach ka Saamna’ in private, while asking for a ban in open.

The show airs on 15th August, 2009, that is, if it’s not banned, PIL-ed, doctored, offense-laden hence attacked, aligned, or post-poned due to some randomly scheduled 20-20 Cricket match.

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Contestant Mistakes ‘Sach Ka Saamna’ For ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’

This guy needs some water. That's the truth.

This guy needs some water. That's the truth.

Mumbai. 24 July 2009.

In a week when Indian media mistook Hillary Clinton for Madonna and US authorities mistook Ex-President APJ Abdul Kalam for just APJ Abdul Kalam, another case of mistaken identities has come up; this one, just a bit more genuine. Shyam Kukreja, a 28-year old steel-utensils shop owner from Ludhiana, accidentally landed on Star Plus’ new show ‘Sach Ka Saamna’ thinking it to be the show where he will get to marry his dream-girl Rakhi Sawant.

A visibly shaken Kukreja confesses – “I thought the man with long hair, asking me questions about my sex-life and choice of ice-cream flavors is Rakhi Sawant’s brother. They had even called my parents, my school-teacher, and my neighborhood kulfi-waalah’s young daughter too to witness this pre-marital interview. ”

Reports suggest that Kukreja’s spell was broken when he was thrown out after he gifted his “best red underwear” to “Rakhi sawant’s brother” as a “nishaani” of his “amar prem” for “aapki behen”. “I thought that was a very personal gift…and Rakhi loves red colour”, Kukreja later added.

Reality show experts believe Kukreja can’t be faulted for this obvious mistake as both shows deal with facing something difficult, overcoming your inhibitions, owning up to your stupidities in public, and ending up with a win that embarasses more than it boosts.

Role model for millions

Role model for millions

Meanwhile on ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’, the show Kukreja wanted to be a part of, two of the contestants, Ravi Shukla and Pooran Singh,  fell in love with each other and left the show mid-way. Hailing respectively from Kanpur and Malegaon, Ravi and Pooran realized they were made for each other just by the virtue of being on this show.

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Baba Ramdev Uses Yoga To Give Birth To A Child

Just an excuse to touch you, boy

Just an excuse to touch you, boy

Rishikesh. 10 July 2009.

Patanjali exponent, Yoga logarithm, social-advocate and health-expert Baba Ramdev today gave birth to a healthy chubby child using ancient Yoga techniques and his powers of convincing. The delivery was natural and Baba’s meru-dand straight before and after the 27-second long procedure.

As reported earlier, Rishikesh-based Baba Ramdev became pregnant using a secret form of Yoga, the same form which could cure the homosexuals and convert cows into CIA agents. The month-long pregnancy invited curious visitors from across the world including the missing brain of MJ, and Chinese Premier Hu hu cancelled his G-8 summit with the non-chinese world to be by Baba’s side in his moment of fruition.

Baba’s spokesperson, a Yoga-driven I-BOT addressed the media soon after the delivery, and said with a smile – “Yoga can solve Lagrange’s equation too. If only somebody could make the equation sit straight!” Though the speculations are rife as to what this new-born Yoga-Baby could achieve in the years to come, Rakhi Sawant has invited the baby to be a part of her  ‘swayamvar’ show. “I think jab maine iss baby ko dekha…I fell in…spiritual love. And I like pyoorrety. Pyoore peapal, pyoore emotion”, Rakhi said with a genuine twinkle in her eyes.

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Union Budget Successfully Confuses Millions In India

Koi Goodluck Nikaalein...Aaj Gullak Toh Fodein

Koi Goodluck Nikaalein...Aaj Gullak Toh Fodein

New Delhi. 7 July 2009.

Living up to high expectations from the market and riding on a heavy mandate to the UPA government in the recently held Lok Sabha polls, Indian Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee presented a confidently confusing budget, surpassing the half-measured confused-ness of previous few budgets and equaling the legendary ambiguity of budgets of the 80’s. Loaded with genuinely confusing and at times contradictory terms like exemptions, subsidies, holidays, deficits, slabs, excise, cess, Rajiv, surcharge, Indira, Vikas, and infrastructure – Pranab Mukherjee was able to restore the lost glory of baffling budget-speeches in a short duration of 3 hours.

Bhanu Shah, a mid-level banker and stock-market expert in Mumbai, hailed the budget for its “zero focus on real problems and infrastructure, and still making it all sound so good and big.” Suresh Mahajan, a top-executive with FICII (Federation Instead of Confederation of Indian Industries) rated the “imaginative budget  10 i out of 10, i being the imaginary number, square root of minus one.” Further explaining his joy, Suresh Mahajan said – “Look…budgets are basically study in jargons…how to balance your jargon! You balance a subsidy with cess, holiday with surcharge and jewelry excise with cigarette sales. And the more imaginative you are, the more esoteric your balancing will be. Pranab Da is a pro!”

Rushing home for the budget speech

Rushing home for the budget speech

Though India Inc. is still not out with a clear verdict, experts believe that even that’s a huge indication that how monumentally confusing this budget has been. “We were sitting here, holding our wine glasses, hoping for a speech ripe with numbers, figures, terms, even new kinds of taxes…anything that doesn’t make sense at all, and he exceeded our expectations. I mean, right from the first sentence where he said “physical” and meant “fiscal” – he was on the ball”, said Aditya Birla Group’s COO Coolraaj Chibbar.

Though some quarters were disappointed with “seemingly straightforward, non-confusing measures like increasing the tax-exmeption limit for women”, Delhi-based Financial Expert GK Swamy believes “these are minor aberrations in an otherwise grandly hollow budget. Let’s not deny a credit where it’s due.”

Suhasini Verma, a housewife in Bhopal, has the final word on UPA-II government’s first budget. “His smile is better than that Chidumram’s (sic)…very sweet Bangali smile. But I don’t understand Bangali naa…so didn’t get a word of what he was saying.”

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Roger Federer Caught On Camera Drinking Engine Oil

Needs of Speed

Needs of Speed

London. 6 July 2009.

In a sensational yet poignant moment, accidentally caught on camera, 15-time Grand Slam winner and 10-time French Open loser, Roger Federer was seen drinking 4-stroke Engine Oil (Castrol) hiding behind a crew person during the shoot of a TV commercial. Though the Castrol Executive Producers are relieved that he was not “sipping” on their “rival Mobil’s Engine Oil, which, for a fact, has more carbon” behind their back, Federer’s family and friends are devastated by the news.

The surreal moment came during the second hour of the shoot, where Roger was supposed to “shove the bottle in viewer’s face” and say aloud, with a grin, “As smooth as my serve, even in France!” But as it turned out, the ‘greatest tennis player ever’ was missing from the shot at the exact moment, un-bottling the 4-stroke Oil, hiding behind a crew member in a corner.

Though Fed-ex, as lovingly called by fans, is yet to comment on this Vatican-classified ‘unnatural act’ of his, video evidence points to a case of serious addiction.  Renowned London Psychiatrist Keith Handleburn, after seeing the top-secret video, commented that, “the passionate big sip, quick gulp, and hurried actions almost confirm that he has been at it for years, if not decades. And that too in such London rains!”

Nector That Gives Vector

Nector That Gives Vector

Though the International tennis community is still in shock at the revelations, players like Rafael Nadal and Andy Roddick have started asking questions. “I know this explains a lot of things, like why he rarely smiled or got angry, ” said Andy Roddick. “In fact, I remember during our 16-14 last set at Wimbledon yesterday, he kept greasing his palms rather than wiping them”, the American added with a hint of astonishment.

Federer’s long-time rival, Spaniard Rafael Nadal though had a greater worry. “I have been told that drinking such things leads to a memory loss. And who knows then, he might want to play all his  matches, all his career, all over again. Another 15 Grand Slams!”, shuddered Nadal.

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HRD Ministry To Scrap HRD Ministry To Reinvent Education

Coupling The Lost Siblings

Coupling The Lost Siblings

New Delhi. 1 July 2009.

After proposing to scrap UGC and AICTE, HRD ministry has gone one step further and proposed to scrap itself, in its “honest bid to reinvent and rejuvenate education in India”. Speaking at a Press Conference originally convened to showcase HRD Minister Kapil Sibal’s new six-pack, Education Secretary Jaideep Mishra abruptly announced the radical step.

“The system is redundant, obsolete, old, dead, and redundant. We need fresh ideas. That’s why UGC must go, AICTE must go, and why not, HRD Ministry must go”, Mishra thundered. Kapil Sibal seconded his secretary with an emphatic nod and added – “Here is a poem I have written on the issue:

Ba Ba Black Sheep,

Did U a Gee(!) See?

Yes sir yes sir,

It’s As I See Tea, Eeeeee!!

One is for slurping,

One should go to hell,

and whatever is left there of,

leaves a very bad smell!

So you see – UGC, AICTE, and our ministry, we all are abstract. Let’s unburden the system!”

Looking into a brighter future

Looking into a brighter future

Though Sibal refused to comment on what or who will replace the ministry, Right Wing MPs saw a “Bangladeshi or Pakistani hand” while Left-wingers saw an “American or WW2 allied forces hand” in the way things have turned out.

Meanwhile, bringing more relief to traumatized Class X board students, Sibal later announced that “Class Tenth will be called LKG (Lower Kindergarten) from the coming academic session to lower the burden of expectations the students face from teachers, parents, peers and communal parties.”

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