23 American states tighten the ‘Campus Shootout Law’: No shootouts allowed during lunch hours

Illinois, 16 February.

Responding just in time to the ever-rising menace of on-campus shootouts, 23 American states, including South Dakota and Wyoming and excluding Nebraska, today passed resolutions to tighten the already existing Anti-Campus-Shootout Laws. According to new stringent codes, no shootouts will be allowed during the lunch hours and only one shootout per University campus during the dinner time. “Of course, we will have different summer, spring, winter, and autumn timings for lunch/dinner in different states,” clarified Springfield Senator Bubba Livingstone, the man behind this “mission” to make college campuses a center of learning and fearless eating breaks. Waving a copy of the law, Bubba added that “the lunatic, anti-social killers have no right disrupting the traditionally peaceful food breaks, and ought to show some concern for public manners.”

Phoenix Police Chief Viggo Corleonni agreed that it was high time such a law be passed and implemented to “put some sense back into these shit-heads who treat shootouts as a visit to China – very cheap and very mindless.” Many social psychologists believe that just a ‘lunch hour overrule’ may not be enough to abet the potential attack, as “the shooter may not be much of an eater” and hence, may not distinguish between the “stupid British distinctions for Lunch, Dinner and Breakfast, in any order!”

But the eerie final word on the raging issue came from Jimmy Jendrix, a fake profile owner on Orkut who successfully runs the cult community, “Killers Inc.”, for crazy shooters. Jimmy’s auto-scrap (automatic messaging on Orkut) to more than 20 Million users of the social networking site read – “Burger!”

Just in: Psychologists and FBI’s grammatical wing are still out there decoding it, but it sure sounds sinister.