Pakistan To Stone Twitter To Death

Trends change, people don't (Image Courtesy: Arrow, Dreamstime.com)

After ordering a televised beheading of Facebook, and cutting-into-pieces of Youtube two days ago, a local court today sentenced the social networking microblog Twitter to be stoned to death. The court, hearing an appeal from a group of Maulvis, who claimed following Laila (on Twitter) causes Laila (in Ocean), decided in favor of the group, ironically, minutes after installing the twitter client for i-phone on their China-made duplicates. By the way, China hailed Pakistan’s move and said, “Had Facebook been still around, we would have ‘LIKED’ Pakistan.”

The learned judge, Mustafa Mustafa, called the ruling “very progressive, as compared to Indian TV soaps”, while further explaining that he did take a “Facebook personality test two days ago” and found out that he “was Ultra-Paranoid! So I just acted on my personality type, and ordered a cleansing.”

Pakistani teenagers already depressed by the number of soft-porn, Bilawal Zardari screaming like mad, and random white/chinese kids pulling random cats’ tails videos they are going to miss after the death of Youtube and Facebook, went into further shock on realizing that they won’t be able to follow Amitabh Bacchhan’s inane tweets anymore.

Even Hell has no good usernames left (Image Courtesy: Daily Mail UK and EPA)

The stoning of Twitter will take place in Waziristan as soon as a suicide-mission-intern goofs up leaving the rest of the day uneventful.

Meanwhile, Yadav duo, Lalu Prasad and Mulayam Singh, today demanded 33 percent OBC quota in Cyclone names. “OBCs are highly under-represented in Cyclone names. Let the next one be called Rabri. Or Misa”, demanded Lalu Yadav outside parliament.

Teenager Kills Dog Hoping For Another Nude-Girl PETA Ad In Rebuttal

PETA: Fuelling Teenage Fantasies. Since 1980.

Nagpur. 17 May 2010.

For 15-year old Rakesh Sawale, it was a case of simple calculation. “Kill the dog, piss the PETA off, and get them to pose another actress nude”, says Rakesh with a cold-blooded grin. “I have even sent my wish-list to them earlier. Deepika Padukone followed by my favorite Mid-Day mate – Kinky Samantha”, he says with a blush only teenagers or Jugal Hansraj can manage.

The unnamed street dog was returning from his evening stroll around the neighborhood when Rakesh attacked it with a kitchen cooker. “I wanted to give a clear signal to PETA that I hate street dogs to the extent of being a psycho so that they do something equally outrageous in return” was Rakesh’s confessional statement.

DimLight, the international ad agency handling PETA’s account called it “a victory of the power of advertising” on their official website’s newsflash. Allan Prince, Chief Creative Officer of DimLight said: “This is seriously inspiring news from India! PETA as a global brand needed such edgy publicity, and this young enthusiastic kid has given just that. The dead dog, of course, is a collateral damage.”

Animal instincts? (Photo courtesy: Our cruelty to animals)

PETA India officials called the dog-killing unfortunate and vowed to “add more message to the nude bodies” posing for their next round of awareness campaign. “I think our last round of ads, featuring S&M stuff, accidentally led to this act. Next time, we are going for feathers-and-satin look”, said the official spokesperson.

Meanwhile, Big B joined twitter in an effort to curtail his anger from long blog entries to just 140-characters.

Man Can’t Find His Brain He Left Behind While Going For A Bollywood Film

Suspected: Brain ran away to save its life (Image Courtesy: neurosurgery.ufl.edu)

Saharanpur. 14 May 2010.

Saroja Singh didn’t bargain for this. He left his home an evening, mid-week, to unwind and go watch a Bollywood film (“Housefull”) at a nearby theatre, only to return home and find his brain missing. “I had left it in my cupboard. Or may be on the desk. I can’t seem to remember now, as the bloody thing had all my memory too”, Saroja told shocked investigators at his house. “I remember only this much, and that too because the fact has been nailed in my skin for years, that I had left my brain at home on the filmmaker’s advise. But now, I just can’t find it”, he added.

Saharanpur SSP, DK Kharbanda said such incidents are on a rise off-late, as “the word gets around.” He cautioned the citizens to “not leave it in open, at home. Either chain it, put it under a lock, or as I do, carry it in an ice-box to the theatre itself. You might need it in the interval for deciding which, out of the 87  flavors, of the popcorn available you would like to have.”

Are your brains ready? (Image Courtesy: Roshans)

The mysterious brain-thief has left no clue, and Saroja Singh’s biggest worry is how will he go to watch next week’s release ‘Kites’ now, without preceding it with the mandatory ritual of ‘ejecting the brain’ at home.”These are terrible times. I hope Prime Minister does something about it soon”, he said with a sad hope in his eyes.

Meanwhile, “Housefull” director Sajid Khan’s next film, yet unplanned, unwritten, has already grossed over 200 Crores in box-office collections worldwide.

India Honours V. Anand By Offering Him A Place In IPL Team

Future is brighter (Image Courtesy: ChessVibes.com)

New Delhi. 12 May 2010.

“He has done the nation proud! He can select any IPL team he wants to play for, next season”, said an elated M. K. Sabu, Sports Ministry Secretary soon after Vishwanathan Anand retained his World Chess Championship title, beating challenger Topalov in a close match in Bulgaria. Explaining the slightly odd offer, Sabu said that they could have offered him prize money and land worth crores, “but then, he is a world champion! We are giving him the ultimate prize. It’s like bestowing him with a Kaamdhenu.”

Anand was unavailable for comment but KKR team owner SRK tweeted soon after with an affirmative “V can do with a good opener.” Sources confirmed that Anand will be back home by the weekend, and an official delegation of sports ministry, comprising of hired Babu-looking  men and saari-wearing smile-wielding women, as well as clueless officials will be there at the New Delhi airport to receive him.

Waiting for V. Anand (Image Courtesy: Lalit Modi)

Before the official reception next evening, a special slide show presentation, titled ‘Who is V. Anand and why are we felicitating him’, will be held in the secretariat for the various ministers, cricketers, and celebrities attending the party. Indian Cricket team captain MS Dhoni, making it home just in time for the party, seemed happy by the news of Anand winning. “It’s been 2 weeks since we had a good party. Looking fwd”, a random sms by him read.

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi and Bill Gates bonded big time over Amethi’s broken windows and Uttar Pradesh’s barely operating system.

If UPA Doesn’t Listen, We Will Go To Chandragupta Maurya: Khap

He didn't marry the same goat (Image: Amar Chitra Katha)

Kurukshetra. 11 May 2010/1580.

Demanding an amendment in Hindu Marriage Act, to ban same-subcaste marriages, Haryana’s pride, Khap Panchayats today threatened to involve 12th Century King Prithviraj Chauhan as a mediator.  “Maharaj (P. Chauhan) knows us well. He will speak for us. And as a back-up, we already have spoken to Chandragupta Maurya“, said Khap’s honourable spokesperson and Kurukshetra MP Mr. Naveen Jindal. Bhagat Lal, Khap’s youngest member at 2109 years of age, agreed with Mr. Jindal.

Dismissing the media-hype that Khaps are regressive, dark-age entities, Mr. Jindal honourably gulped and said “to the contrary, Khaps are the most progressive thinkers. The ultra-modern Hookah-joints in metros are our contribution!” Though on the question of honour-killings openly endorsed by Khaps, Mr. Jindal maintained an honourable silence.

Khap Member since 200 B.C. (Image Courtesy: Vague)

Presenting the Khap’s case at a press conference held at a 3rd Century BC cave near Mujaffarnagar, Bhagat Lal seemed confident. “We know Congress Aai will support us. Chhora Rahul loves villages and our simple customs. And then, we are secular, and much smarter than Jairam Ramesh” , Bhagat said with a coolness that comes with a thousand years of practice.

Meanwhile, Indian Hockey team defeated mighty Australia 4-3 in an Azlan Shah Cup tie, making the sport-loving Indians just enough uncomfortable to pause before dismissing it as a fluke.

Jairam Ramesh Forgets He Is Jairam Ramesh

Hillary and Hillarious (Image Courtesy: Outlook India)

New Delhi. 10 May 2010.

Months after Pratibha Patil forgetting she is the President of India and a week after Shashi Tharoor forgetting his twitter password, UPA’s Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh yesterday followed the trend. Clarifying his shocking remarks, made in Beijing, against his own government’s China policy, he said: “I was not me. I seriously thought I was Digvijay Singh, yet again criticising Chidambaram. Jairam Ramesh, as a creature or concept, didn’t exist in my mind then.” Insiders didn’t overrule minister’s favorite BT-Grass as one of the reasons for such hallucinations.

The Home Ministry, alleged to be alarmist towards chinese companies by Jairam Ramesh, came out with a strong denial video in which P. Chidambaram kept shaking his head for 10-minutes. Later, an official clarification from the secretariat read: “We have recently installed China-made alarms in the Home Ministry offices. Probably that’s what Mr. Jairam Ramesh meant.”

Paranoid? Who, me? (Image courtesy: Circumstances)

Though Jairam Ramesh is a high-profile minister, and the allegations are serious, the UPA top brass is not worried. “We have been ruling for just last 60-years. We are learning”, said Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi.

Meanwhile, Indian T-20 team succesfully bowed out of T-20 World Cup in West Indies, giving the fans much needed time to sleep, wash and follow Sachin Tendulkar on Twitter.

Nation Shocked As Suhel Seth Has ‘No Comments’ On Kasab Verdict

In happier times

Mumbai. 06 May 2010.

More than a billion people, including Arnab Goswami and Sagarika Ghose, went in a shocked silence of more than 20-seconds as Suhel Seth confessed that he “frankly” had “no comments” on the Kasab verdict in 26/11 trial that ended yesterday.The interviewer Rajdeep Sardesai, at the other end of the phone line at that moment, initially blamed the dropped-bombshell to ‘some disturbance in our phone connection’ and asked the question again. But to Rajdeep’s, and the milling Indian masses’ utter discomfort, he repeated “No comments” and cut the line.

Though most of the Indian news channels are still in denial over this unexpected development, Times Now calling it “a passing phase” and NDTV’s Barkha Dutt claiming “Suhel will be present in the studio on the weekend discussion discussing Suhel’s absence”, some seem to have come to terms with this “loss”. A prominent business channel with a multiple of 9 in its name featured a half-hour ‘Suhel in the studio’ (SITS) special, recounting his best moments in newsroom discussions. SITS producer Vikram Randhawa said “He was a tiger (in newsrooms). I hope he has something to say about something soon.”

These hair have not whitened in sun... (Image Courtesy: NDTV)

The common man, though, is less forgiving. Saurov Dey, an executive with an international bank in Delhi and an avid media-watcher,  said: “How could he do this to us? He could have just repeated what he famously said about Jessica case, Save the Tiger campaign, Mumbai traffic woes, Malgudi days, Bra color on Facebook, and French food: “I  think it has something for everyone.” I hate him now.”

Meanwhile, public prosecutor in Kasab case, Ujjwal Nikam, has been selected as the first celebrity participant for the coming season’s Bigg Boss, owing to his charisma, achievement, and love for drama.

Sachin Quits Twitter As Too Many People Following

Some things are best left unsaid (Image Copyright: The Daily Tamasha) (Click to Enlarge)

Mumbai. 06 May 2010.

“It was not meant to be”, says Vinod Kambli, Sachin Tendulkar’s long-time self-styled friend and unoffcial spokesperson, soon after the Indian batting legend quit micro-blogging site Twitter; noticeably just 48-hours after he had joined it. “It was scary for him to see the follower-count just after one night. The counter was running faster than the India-Population-Clock installed at Churchgate station”, adds Kambli.

Sachin had joined the site (famous for celebs telling salivating common-folks, through a series of photographs and 140-character tweets, that how lavishly ignorant a life they lead as compared to fucked-up ignorant of the common man’s) just 2-days ago, apparently by accidentally clicking a “Join Twitter And See My Hot Photos” request by ZOE_oO.  As it happened, the news spread and more than 10-Lakh followers joined forces to pester their “GOD”, forcing @sachin_rt (God’s twitter Avatar) to rethink his move.

Missing Modi (Image Courtesy: Sachin_RT on Twitter)

“One aaaaayush_fan posted the same message (“GODDDDDDD….REPLY tO Me PLSSSSS”) at least  200 times”, says Sachin soon after pulling the plug on his followers. “I know it’s flattering, humbling etc.  But for how long can I take messages like “U r God….lets kill Kasab”, “Y u not playin t20? Y the fugg (sorry for using bad words in front of my God) is Nehraaa dere”, “Wish I was one of the two crabs u holdin'” and “Heyyyyyyyy….i cant beleeive dis” in my stride?”, adds Sachin with just a glint of frustration in his eyes.

With this, a very-short but memorable chapter in India’s social-celeb space has come to an end, though media-watchers are hopeful that Sachin will soon make a comeback on one of the lesser popular sites like Kyaazoonga or Desi-Book.com.

Hey Tweeple.... (Image: PriyankaChopra on Twitter)

Meanwhile, Priyanka Chopra posted another ‘muaaww tweeple’ on her Twitter update, sending her 3-lakh plus followers into throes of orgasmic enlightenment.

Journo Bites Dog To File ‘Journo Bites Dog’ Story

Graphic representation, original image too un-PETA. (Image Courtesy: Vague)

Indore. 05 May 2010.

In a landmark moment for journalists’ brotherhood around the world, Tirlochan Singh, a cub-reporter with a city newspaper ‘Jaago’, today bit a sleeping street dog to get his mandatory ‘man bites dog’ story of the day. ‘Jaago’ cameraman Abhay Shinde was present to capture the poignant scene for posterity.

Speaking to fellow print journalists, Tirlochan Singh later confessed that he is “an accidental hero” here. “These TV news reporters have muddied the news market. Nobody wants to entertain us as we don’t have a video camera, nor do we shout when we speak. So, it was in this frustrated state of mind, my eyes fell on this sleeping dog. I knew what I wanted to do”, Tirlochan adds matter-of-factly. Victim street dog Bittu was unavailable for comments, while unconfirmed reports suggest that a prominent TV news channel has kidnapped it for an in-depth story.

No dog can sleep like a dog now (Image courtesy: Primco.org, David Primmer)

Though ‘Jaago’ Managing Editor Shankar Sharma was all praise for Tirlochan’s innovative reporting tactics, he wished “Tirlochan had chosen a better looking dog to bite, and perhaps in a more upmarket area of the city”, since “Jaago” has more readership uptown. “Why would people in IAS Colony care about a dog being bitten in Kamla Nehru Nagar?”, Sharma added grimly, before cheering up again and hoping “it’s the beginning of a new age. Dogs are waiting to be bitten!”

Meanwhile, local train motormen strike ended in Mumbai last night, leaving millions of Mumbaikars no choice but to get on with their screwed-up lives.

(Idea Courtesy: Man Bites Dog group on FB, for the subconscious tick.)

Kasab being victimised because he is a dalit: Indian politician

(image Courtesy: Outlookindia.com)

Mumbai. 04 May 2010.

A bit late in the day, but just before a Mumbai sessions court finalises a sentence for Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Amir Kasab for the 26/11 Mumbai terror attacks, an Indian politician has thrown a virtual trump card in the arena. “Kasab is a dalit. He is being victimised like A. Raja“, said KS Priyan, International President of a district-level party in a southern Indian state.

The allegation, now even a part of ‘Oxbridge Dictionary of Alibis and Excuses’, came as a shocking reminder to major national parties like Congress and BJP that how complacent they have been acting off late. “It’s a shame, we agree”, said Congress’s spokesman Avishkar Birla, “we should have come up with this gem of an allegation before anyone else. It would have gone down well with Rahul Baba’s UP game-plan.” The BJP spokesperson couldn’t comment as the sun was strong and he fainted.

KS Priyan, addressing a press conference in Mumbai, seemed to be in a rough mood as he threw a water bottle in anger while asking – “Who the fuck is watching ‘Housefull’?” After regaining his composure a couple of minutes later, he restated his allegation that “Kasab is as innocent as, choose any metaphor you like. But the point is, he is a dalit.” On being asked that is there a proof that Kasab is dalit, his face lit up. “The fact that he doesn’t even have a proof of his dalit identity is the proof! See, they won’t even let a dalit keep his identity proof.”

Though Priyan’s allegations may not affect the final verdict, the political players as well as intellectuals are excited with the possibilities such insinuations bring. “It’s like having a Red Indian character in a mainstream Hollywood flick. You can use it for emotions, purity, sudden twists, or any random last-minute plot device conveniently”, said Delhi-based social scientist Neeru Bajwa in some other context.

Triplicate Girl: Wet dream of an Indian Bureaucrat

Meanwhile, Kasab said, “Given the state of Indian courts, and the number of boring hours I had to spend repeating the same answers a trillion times, even if I am set free, I will never indulge in any act, even remotely related to anything illegal. I am done with triplicates. I am done with triplicates. I am done with triplicates.”