High Court Says Lord Ram Had Moustaches – Orders Changes In Calendars and Arun Govil

Following the court order... (Note: Rented wig. Moustache not to scale.)

Allahabad. 1 October 2010.

In a landmark verdict, Barabanki bench of Allahabad High Court today decreed that Lord Ram had thick, bushy moustaches, and changes be made in Hindu calendar art as well as Arun Govil to reflect the reality. “Lord Ram grew a pencil thin moustache soon after his 19th Birthday, and then, during the 14-year long exile, he went for a make-over resulting in thick moustache so as to mingle with crowds down south”, read the judgement text on the official website of the High Court.

Reacting to the judgement, Arun Govil, the smiling-face actor who played Lord Ram in a hit TV series in the 80’s, said: “I respect the court judgement, but hope I haven’t lost my moustache hormones forever, owing to years of clean-shaving. It would have been great if they had given some verdict on the beard/stubble part too, and got the facial hair issues done with.”

A classic Indian timepass, now a court order. (Image courtesy: Chandan from Indore)

Chandan, a 16-year old High School student in Indore, is ecstatic with the verdict though. “I have been drawing moustaches on the faces on calendars, magazines, newspaper ads ever since I was 4-year old. In fact, I should confess that I love Katrina Kaif with moustaches.”

A majority of tired TV debaters, after a 12-hour shouting match with alternate-view holders, hailed the judgement as ‘worthy of a good debate’. Politicians of both the ruling as well as opposition parties appealed the masses to stay calm, unaffected, and dumb.

Meanwhile, another PIL, asking the court to ascertain the “proper English spellings of Lord Ram’s sons Luv* and Kush, especially Luv*” has been filed by a shopkeeper in Hardoi, Uttar Pradesh. “Is it LOVE or LUV, or LOV?”, asks the PIL.

(Additional Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. Written in good humor. Please don’t break vodka bottles on anybody’s head after reading this. And don’t sue. Please.)

Arundhati Roy Confesses To Inserting ‘Maine Pyar Kiya’ Screenplay In Her Essays To Make Them Look Longer

A common man's impression of Ms. Roy's articles

New Friend’s Colony, New Delhi. 29 September 2010.

In a shocking, heartbreaking confession, Booker-winner and India’s top intellectual entity Arundhati Roy,  today admitted to inserting random lines from Hindi movie scripts in her essays “so that they look long and intimidating”. “I learnt this trick in my history class as a kid. We had a teacher who used to mark our answers by measuring them with a metric scale. So we used to smartly insert film songs, dialogues, etc. in say, an answer to the impacts of WW-I on Indian freedom movement “, said a suitably nostalgic Ms. Roy.

The story broke when Ashok, a bored teenager in Orissa’s Koraput District, happened to stumble upon the words “Aaja shaam hone aayi, mausam ne li angdaayi…” in a passage of Ms. Roy’s latest marathon-article for a reputed National weekly. “I was bored of rediff comment-boards that day”, said Ashok, “And as luck would have it, after spotting these lines as well as the rest of the screenplay of the film in the article, I went back to rediff and posted the whole thing online. lol.”

"I never thought anybody would read them..."

Ms. Roy’s fellow ‘long-essayist’, Arun Shourie defended her rights to use ‘whatever it takes, to make the essay longer’ by writing a very-long essay (a 20-part series) in Indian Express.

Experts believe that this may not be a stray case and we need to go back to all our long speeches, essays, and critiques including Pandit JL Nehru’s ‘Tryst With Destiny’, to find hidden-movie references or chunks. “I remember Mughal-E-Azam scenes in an Indira Gandhi speech to the UN once”, said a Congress insider not willing to be named.

Meanwhile, soon-to-be-married BJP MP Varun Gandhi has threatened to chop the hands off of Baraatis who refuse to dance at his wedding.

Ayodhya Verdict Leaked: Land To Go To IIPM

Leaked vision for tomorrow

Allahabad. 22 September 2010.

In a shocking leak, apparently carried out by underpaid clerks of Allahabad high court, the much-awaited verdict in Babri Masjid land-title case declared Indian Institute of Planning and Management (IIPM) to be the rightful owners of the property. “IIPM owned the land much before Mughals invaded India, forget Britishers”, reads the powerful text accompanying the verdict given by 3-member High Court bench in Allahabad. “IIPM’s legacy goes  back to the days of Nalanda-Taxila, and we have banner-ads to prove that even in the days of Chandragupta Maurya, Kings used to send their illegitimate children to IIPM Universities”, the court noted as an aside.

The design of proposed IIPM structure at Ayodhya

Professor Arindam Chaudhury, the founder, speaker and transformational leader at IIPM called the verdict “a fitting reply to the detractors of IIPM, including UGC” and said “a new fugly structure, preceded by fugly newspaper ads, will soon come up at the site, handing out European-countryside-attested MBA degrees to Indian-countryside-kids”.

With this, the 300-year long dispute over Ayodhya – a rare small-town in UP with more cows than Mayawati statues – has come to a symbolic end. Hindu-Muslim issues expert Mannu Raza noted: “I know not many would be happy with this verdict. Especially the TV commentators who love the smell of froth coming out of their mouth. But then, this could have been worse. The land could have been given to Suresh Kalmadi for the next CWG!”

Celebrity-on-call Mahesh Bhatt, though, seemed elated by the verdict. “I have been saying for long that a Sulabh Shauchalaya or a Disneyland kind of structure would be a nice middle ground where people of all religions visited. It turns out they found a good mix of Sulabh Shauchalaya and Disneyland in IIPM”, Bhatt said.

Extremists and skeptics on either side, meanwhile, had a hard day following the leak. “For the last 1-month, I have been stocking-up Maggi, thinking there will be a siege and we will burn all the shops down . Now tell me, what the fuck should I do with all this Maggi?”, was the poignant question by Chunnu in Lucknow.

Bhopal GoM Concludes Rajiv Loved Mango Shakes and Arjun Should Get Compensation

Kwality conscious

New Delhi. 20 June 2010.

Finalising its conclusions on Bhopal gas leak, the reconstituted GoM today said that “Rajiv Gandhi loved milk shakes with mangoes. In fact, he was just crazy about them.”

Cabinet Home Minister and GoM member Mr. P. Chidambaram said “Even Arjun Singh, who was the CM at the time of the fatal leak agrees that our ex-PM Shri Rajiv Gandhi simply loved crushed mangoes shaken in an electric mixer with cold milk.” With this, experts and TV news hosts agree, the 26-year long wait for some kind of closure for Bhopal victims has ended.

Warren Anderson, Circa 1984

The GoM submitted a detailed report, with three major big-impact sub-conclusions. First, that on the day of the gas leak Arjun Singh was the CM and hence he should be given due compensation for facing the trauma of the day. Second, Warren Anderson’s escape could be blamed on the national carrier Air India. “Had they been on strike, like many other days of the year 1984 and on, Anderson would have been around for a long time”, said GoM wild card member Suresh Nambiar.

The third conclusion, the most far-reaching one is to constitute another GoM to reach the third conclusion.

Indore, 10:30 am. This banner consumed 34 kgs. of burfi (Image Courtesy: Telegraph India)

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi’s banners and posters nationwide miraculously started accepting and consuming sweets on the congress leader’s 40th birthday. Congress spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi could not be reached for an explanation.

*************

(Third conclusion courtesy: @madversity on twitter)

Pakistan To Stone Twitter To Death

Trends change, people don't (Image Courtesy: Arrow, Dreamstime.com)

After ordering a televised beheading of Facebook, and cutting-into-pieces of Youtube two days ago, a local court today sentenced the social networking microblog Twitter to be stoned to death. The court, hearing an appeal from a group of Maulvis, who claimed following Laila (on Twitter) causes Laila (in Ocean), decided in favor of the group, ironically, minutes after installing the twitter client for i-phone on their China-made duplicates. By the way, China hailed Pakistan’s move and said, “Had Facebook been still around, we would have ‘LIKED’ Pakistan.”

The learned judge, Mustafa Mustafa, called the ruling “very progressive, as compared to Indian TV soaps”, while further explaining that he did take a “Facebook personality test two days ago” and found out that he “was Ultra-Paranoid! So I just acted on my personality type, and ordered a cleansing.”

Pakistani teenagers already depressed by the number of soft-porn, Bilawal Zardari screaming like mad, and random white/chinese kids pulling random cats’ tails videos they are going to miss after the death of Youtube and Facebook, went into further shock on realizing that they won’t be able to follow Amitabh Bacchhan’s inane tweets anymore.

Even Hell has no good usernames left (Image Courtesy: Daily Mail UK and EPA)

The stoning of Twitter will take place in Waziristan as soon as a suicide-mission-intern goofs up leaving the rest of the day uneventful.

Meanwhile, Yadav duo, Lalu Prasad and Mulayam Singh, today demanded 33 percent OBC quota in Cyclone names. “OBCs are highly under-represented in Cyclone names. Let the next one be called Rabri. Or Misa”, demanded Lalu Yadav outside parliament.

If UPA Doesn’t Listen, We Will Go To Chandragupta Maurya: Khap

He didn't marry the same goat (Image: Amar Chitra Katha)

Kurukshetra. 11 May 2010/1580.

Demanding an amendment in Hindu Marriage Act, to ban same-subcaste marriages, Haryana’s pride, Khap Panchayats today threatened to involve 12th Century King Prithviraj Chauhan as a mediator.  “Maharaj (P. Chauhan) knows us well. He will speak for us. And as a back-up, we already have spoken to Chandragupta Maurya“, said Khap’s honourable spokesperson and Kurukshetra MP Mr. Naveen Jindal. Bhagat Lal, Khap’s youngest member at 2109 years of age, agreed with Mr. Jindal.

Dismissing the media-hype that Khaps are regressive, dark-age entities, Mr. Jindal honourably gulped and said “to the contrary, Khaps are the most progressive thinkers. The ultra-modern Hookah-joints in metros are our contribution!” Though on the question of honour-killings openly endorsed by Khaps, Mr. Jindal maintained an honourable silence.

Khap Member since 200 B.C. (Image Courtesy: Vague)

Presenting the Khap’s case at a press conference held at a 3rd Century BC cave near Mujaffarnagar, Bhagat Lal seemed confident. “We know Congress Aai will support us. Chhora Rahul loves villages and our simple customs. And then, we are secular, and much smarter than Jairam Ramesh” , Bhagat said with a coolness that comes with a thousand years of practice.

Meanwhile, Indian Hockey team defeated mighty Australia 4-3 in an Azlan Shah Cup tie, making the sport-loving Indians just enough uncomfortable to pause before dismissing it as a fluke.

Nation Shocked As Suhel Seth Has ‘No Comments’ On Kasab Verdict

In happier times

Mumbai. 06 May 2010.

More than a billion people, including Arnab Goswami and Sagarika Ghose, went in a shocked silence of more than 20-seconds as Suhel Seth confessed that he “frankly” had “no comments” on the Kasab verdict in 26/11 trial that ended yesterday.The interviewer Rajdeep Sardesai, at the other end of the phone line at that moment, initially blamed the dropped-bombshell to ‘some disturbance in our phone connection’ and asked the question again. But to Rajdeep’s, and the milling Indian masses’ utter discomfort, he repeated “No comments” and cut the line.

Though most of the Indian news channels are still in denial over this unexpected development, Times Now calling it “a passing phase” and NDTV’s Barkha Dutt claiming “Suhel will be present in the studio on the weekend discussion discussing Suhel’s absence”, some seem to have come to terms with this “loss”. A prominent business channel with a multiple of 9 in its name featured a half-hour ‘Suhel in the studio’ (SITS) special, recounting his best moments in newsroom discussions. SITS producer Vikram Randhawa said “He was a tiger (in newsrooms). I hope he has something to say about something soon.”

These hair have not whitened in sun... (Image Courtesy: NDTV)

The common man, though, is less forgiving. Saurov Dey, an executive with an international bank in Delhi and an avid media-watcher,  said: “How could he do this to us? He could have just repeated what he famously said about Jessica case, Save the Tiger campaign, Mumbai traffic woes, Malgudi days, Bra color on Facebook, and French food: “I  think it has something for everyone.” I hate him now.”

Meanwhile, public prosecutor in Kasab case, Ujjwal Nikam, has been selected as the first celebrity participant for the coming season’s Bigg Boss, owing to his charisma, achievement, and love for drama.

Sachin Quits Twitter As Too Many People Following

Some things are best left unsaid (Image Copyright: The Daily Tamasha) (Click to Enlarge)

Mumbai. 06 May 2010.

“It was not meant to be”, says Vinod Kambli, Sachin Tendulkar’s long-time self-styled friend and unoffcial spokesperson, soon after the Indian batting legend quit micro-blogging site Twitter; noticeably just 48-hours after he had joined it. “It was scary for him to see the follower-count just after one night. The counter was running faster than the India-Population-Clock installed at Churchgate station”, adds Kambli.

Sachin had joined the site (famous for celebs telling salivating common-folks, through a series of photographs and 140-character tweets, that how lavishly ignorant a life they lead as compared to fucked-up ignorant of the common man’s) just 2-days ago, apparently by accidentally clicking a “Join Twitter And See My Hot Photos” request by ZOE_oO.  As it happened, the news spread and more than 10-Lakh followers joined forces to pester their “GOD”, forcing @sachin_rt (God’s twitter Avatar) to rethink his move.

Missing Modi (Image Courtesy: Sachin_RT on Twitter)

“One aaaaayush_fan posted the same message (“GODDDDDDD….REPLY tO Me PLSSSSS”) at least  200 times”, says Sachin soon after pulling the plug on his followers. “I know it’s flattering, humbling etc.  But for how long can I take messages like “U r God….lets kill Kasab”, “Y u not playin t20? Y the fugg (sorry for using bad words in front of my God) is Nehraaa dere”, “Wish I was one of the two crabs u holdin'” and “Heyyyyyyyy….i cant beleeive dis” in my stride?”, adds Sachin with just a glint of frustration in his eyes.

With this, a very-short but memorable chapter in India’s social-celeb space has come to an end, though media-watchers are hopeful that Sachin will soon make a comeback on one of the lesser popular sites like Kyaazoonga or Desi-Book.com.

Hey Tweeple.... (Image: PriyankaChopra on Twitter)

Meanwhile, Priyanka Chopra posted another ‘muaaww tweeple’ on her Twitter update, sending her 3-lakh plus followers into throes of orgasmic enlightenment.

Kasab being victimised because he is a dalit: Indian politician

(image Courtesy: Outlookindia.com)

Mumbai. 04 May 2010.

A bit late in the day, but just before a Mumbai sessions court finalises a sentence for Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Amir Kasab for the 26/11 Mumbai terror attacks, an Indian politician has thrown a virtual trump card in the arena. “Kasab is a dalit. He is being victimised like A. Raja“, said KS Priyan, International President of a district-level party in a southern Indian state.

The allegation, now even a part of ‘Oxbridge Dictionary of Alibis and Excuses’, came as a shocking reminder to major national parties like Congress and BJP that how complacent they have been acting off late. “It’s a shame, we agree”, said Congress’s spokesman Avishkar Birla, “we should have come up with this gem of an allegation before anyone else. It would have gone down well with Rahul Baba’s UP game-plan.” The BJP spokesperson couldn’t comment as the sun was strong and he fainted.

KS Priyan, addressing a press conference in Mumbai, seemed to be in a rough mood as he threw a water bottle in anger while asking – “Who the fuck is watching ‘Housefull’?” After regaining his composure a couple of minutes later, he restated his allegation that “Kasab is as innocent as, choose any metaphor you like. But the point is, he is a dalit.” On being asked that is there a proof that Kasab is dalit, his face lit up. “The fact that he doesn’t even have a proof of his dalit identity is the proof! See, they won’t even let a dalit keep his identity proof.”

Though Priyan’s allegations may not affect the final verdict, the political players as well as intellectuals are excited with the possibilities such insinuations bring. “It’s like having a Red Indian character in a mainstream Hollywood flick. You can use it for emotions, purity, sudden twists, or any random last-minute plot device conveniently”, said Delhi-based social scientist Neeru Bajwa in some other context.

Triplicate Girl: Wet dream of an Indian Bureaucrat

Meanwhile, Kasab said, “Given the state of Indian courts, and the number of boring hours I had to spend repeating the same answers a trillion times, even if I am set free, I will never indulge in any act, even remotely related to anything illegal. I am done with triplicates. I am done with triplicates. I am done with triplicates.”

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