Oscar Academy Member Who Didn’t Vote for Slumdog Hospitalized Following a “Guilt-attack”

Los Angeles. 22 February 2009.

Andrew Shueberg, a 38-year old member of the coveted Academy that selects Oscar Award winners every year, had an inkling this would happen. He called up his wife, his girlfriend, and his mother in a span of 30-minutes, just before casting his vote against ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and in favor of Kate Winslet starrer ‘The Reader’.

His wife Kathleen recalls “he was unusually nervous that evening and kept on asking was he a good man, a good christian, a good American?” It was only after she convinced him on at least two counts did he hang up, Kathleen confirms. But still, doctors at LA State Hospital add, it was not enough as just an hour later, Andrew was over-come with a guilt-attack and tried to jump in the “loo-bucket” of the Academy Building at 23rd Street. His close friend, and co-voter Sammy

Wusstein (who incidentally did vote for Slumdog) heard him shouting – “Let me do this once. Let me feel the pain…somebody mess up my life please.”

Though currently stable and under observation, doctors worry that Shueberg’s condition may flare up again if and when he sees poverty, shit, guns, beggars, call centers or any of the stereotypes related to India or ‘Slumdog Millionaire’. LASH’s psychologist, incidentally an Indian, Dr. Banku Patel, calls Shueberg’s medical condition “a fast-rising clinical phenomenon in the West, where too much exposure to third-world living conditions may drive the patient to feel bad about his/her comforts.”

Meanwhile, the academy awards ceremony was all but swept by ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ but Brad Pitt of ‘Benjamin Button’ fame is still hopeful. “We WILL win it LAST YEAR”, Benjamin Button claimed.

“Mumbai attacks planned on Uranus” – Pakistan Minister confesses

Islamabad. 14 February 2009.

In a rare moment of candid confession, Pakistan’s Interior Minister Rehman Malik disclosed in a televised interview that Mumbai Terror attacks of 26/11 were actually planned on Uranus, the 7th planet in our Solar System. Reacting to India’s strong statements post the attacks, Malik said that he had gone though the dossier sent by India and “liked the page furmatting, very Flum-fair like!! Good pitchersss too!”

On being asked about the reports suggesting Pakistan had confessed that the attacks were planned on “Pakistani soil”, Malik bent forward and explained – “That’s what I said ma-daam’. Pakistani-soil is whutt you find on Uranus! Black, Sindh-type soil…we call it Uranus-soil in Pakistan and I guess, at Uranus, they would be calling it Pakistani soil…no?”

In spite of the hostilities and Uranus being ‘so far away’, he sounded hopeful for future relations “as for the first time since partition, Pakistan has a playboy as President while India has a clueless lady as the counterpart.”

Also, on being alleged that Pakistan is accepting the reposnibilty of the attacks only at the behest of FBI and USA, Rehman Malik just shrugged and said – ‘How could they pressurize us? Who are they? Taliban?’

Cultural Groups Want 14th February To Be Removed From Indian Calendars

"You won't miss anything. That's a promise."

Mumbai. 10 February 2009. 

Cultural groups or Senas from all over country convened in the city yesterday to demand the “absolute removal” of 14th February as a “date, day, or number” from Indian calendars.   The much-anticipated demand was put forward by the latest poster-boy of hindu-male emancipation, ProMod Much-a-Lick,  and was seconded by MNS Chief Raj Thakarey who added – “We can replace 14th February with a new date called Phod-Det (meaning blast-it), where we will have competitions like ‘Torch a state transport bus in 20-seconds’ or ‘Slap a girl, be a man!’. And of course, the names will be in Marathi.”

Though he failed to explain how these proposed activities on ‘Phod Det’ are any different from what they have been doing on the Valentine’s Day for the last few years, his cousin Udhhav justified that “if British can have hotels with no 13th floor, Hitler could live healthy with just one testicle,  why can’t we have a February with no 14th day. And in any case, February already has 32 days. Or is it 33?” 

In a related incident, another Congress senior expressed his love for Rahul Gandhi and nobody noticed.