China Invades ‘Aaj Tak’

Entering the Aaj Tak studios

New Delhi. 19 September 2009.

After days of speculating an attack, India’s Best News Channel Aaj Tak was today invaded by Chinese Forces at 0245 hours. A company of Chinese Elite Forces RX-12-HU descended on Aaj Tak headquarters in Central Delhi and mounted a 3-pronged attack on the 10,000 square feet office area comprising of 4 newsrooms, 2 live-snake counters, 4 monkey-counters, 12 taantrik make-up rooms, 1 loudspeaker store room, and the newly renovated war-room incidentally being used as a party-venue at that time.

As per unconfirmed reports, the Aaj Tak studios were full at the time of the invasion, and the very popular late night show ‘Baba Naag Pancham Ke Saath Kal Ka Bhavishya’ was being recorded. Baba Naag Pancham, unfortunately, was killed in the attack. Aaj Tak crew fought valiantly, and even managed to capture a Chinese Soldier for a soundbite.

Reporting ‘Live’ from ground-zero, Aaj Tak’s star-anchor Manoranjan Shukla showed the heart-wrenching visuals in the background and cursed the Indian Government for not giving heed to a possibility the channel had been warning about for days. But since it was late night and not many viewers were in a mood to watch war-reporting (the TRPs dipped), the channel soon switched back to its regular programming of ‘Raju Srivastava Ke Hansod Chutkuley – Seedha Indore Mein Gupta Ji Ki Shaadi Se’.

The regular programming was hurt only for an hour

The invasion lasted 70-minutes and around 168 journalists, jugglers, taantriks, and animals were captured by the Chinese as POWs. Indian commandos are expected to reach the venue later today, and a team of cops will be rushed tomorrow. Indian Defense Ministry, Home Ministry and I & B Ministry refused to comment on the breach as “any comment could be miscontrued to be a joke about Sonia ji’s austerity”, admitted a source.

Meanwhile, India TV claimed the Aaj Tak attacks were helmed by Bahadur Shah Zafar and they have a phone conversation with the Mughal Ruler to prove it.

China Bans Public Urinals To Avoid Social Networking

History leaks into future

Undisclosed Location. 13 June 2009.

Chinese Government, after banning You Tube, Flickr, and Twitter, has now taken ‘concrete’ steps to outlaw social networking as it existed in its most primitive form by putting an immediate ban on Public Urinals. A government website, accessible only to government officials still alive and not urinating publicly, today announced the latest development by sending a tweet, G-talk message, mail, SMS, audible shout to other government officials in other states. A mandarin from the Ministry of Health and Restrictions later confirmed that “all the public urinals will be shut down and dynamited with immediate effect. Social networking, especially when done while a liquid sensation is running through one’s body could be potentially harmful to the People’s Republic’s Republicity.”

A team of scientists, working directly under the Ministry of Science and Restrictions, has already got cracking at designing a single-use ‘Public Urinal Booth’ (PUB) – something which only one person can use on as-is-where-is-whatever-is basis. Such PUBs, adds a scientist, will “make sure that people mind their own business” while peeing. Another scientist, visibly excited with the new development, added – ‘We don’t mind a few bladder-bursts in the meantime. But we will make sure to come up with a single-use Urinal that keeps our sovereignty ahead of our loo-needs.’

Hu Scru Us?

Meanwhile, after the latest round of threats by officials to get Google banned in China, Google has shot back by threatening to remove the word “China” from its search engine.