Category Archives: Media

Hitler Finds Out About The Media Black-out of Radia Tapes

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Arundhati Roy Confesses To Inserting ‘Maine Pyar Kiya’ Screenplay In Her Essays To Make Them Look Longer

A common man's impression of Ms. Roy's articles

New Friend’s Colony, New Delhi. 29 September 2010.

In a shocking, heartbreaking confession, Booker-winner and India’s top intellectual entity Arundhati Roy,  today admitted to inserting random lines from Hindi movie scripts in her essays “so that they look long and intimidating”. “I learnt this trick in my history class as a kid. We had a teacher who used to mark our answers by measuring them with a metric scale. So we used to smartly insert film songs, dialogues, etc. in say, an answer to the impacts of WW-I on Indian freedom movement “, said a suitably nostalgic Ms. Roy.

The story broke when Ashok, a bored teenager in Orissa’s Koraput District, happened to stumble upon the words “Aaja shaam hone aayi, mausam ne li angdaayi…” in a passage of Ms. Roy’s latest marathon-article for a reputed National weekly. “I was bored of rediff comment-boards that day”, said Ashok, “And as luck would have it, after spotting these lines as well as the rest of the screenplay of the film in the article, I went back to rediff and posted the whole thing online. lol.”

"I never thought anybody would read them..."

Ms. Roy’s fellow ‘long-essayist’, Arun Shourie defended her rights to use ‘whatever it takes, to make the essay longer’ by writing a very-long essay (a 20-part series) in Indian Express.

Experts believe that this may not be a stray case and we need to go back to all our long speeches, essays, and critiques including Pandit JL Nehru’s ‘Tryst With Destiny’, to find hidden-movie references or chunks. “I remember Mughal-E-Azam scenes in an Indira Gandhi speech to the UN once”, said a Congress insider not willing to be named.

Meanwhile, soon-to-be-married BJP MP Varun Gandhi has threatened to chop the hands off of Baraatis who refuse to dance at his wedding.

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World Awed As Apple Launches Something Good-looking

Found in a bar (Pic Courtesy: matthewktabor.com)

San Fransisco. 07 June 2010.

In a much anticipated and fanatically followed ceremony, Apple CEO Steve Jobs launched something very sleek, good looking, and fantastically white. Technology website reporters, business journalists, bored-but-there executives, over-informed teenagers, and clueless passers-by waited for hours, not because Jobs was late but, to feel good about themselves, as the keynote started.

“Stop me, if you have already seen this”, he started his speech with, and had to contend with raised hands, mostly from Gizmodo subscribers, every few seconds. He then apologized and changed his first line to, “Stop me if you really think you can get alive out of here after doing so”, which resulted in putting the focus back on the good looking thing he was unveiling. The 90-minute mindfuckingly unbelievable presentation showed the good-looking thing in various good-looking angles with Steve Jobs’ good-sounding voice-over explaining the good looks.

Hypenating good-looking

Sandman Hurst, 36, the leading tech expert for a very big tech magazine in a very big country live-blogged enthusiastically, calling the launch “one of the most awaited days” of his life. Hurst would have added more but then he had to get back to his job and “work my ass-off at my blood sucking company so that I could buy the good looking thing sometime in the coming decade.”

Youngsters from around the world held their breath before, and hugged each other after, the launch, to claim that they belonged. “I can’t tell you how thrilled I am. I didn’t sleep for the last 2 weeks – I don’t know why – but it all seems worth it now!”, said Neil Simon, 22.

If Apple insiders are to be believed, the company is working on a new-range of somethings to be launched sometime soon, if not sometime later.

Meanwhile in India, 1984’s Bhopal Gas Tragedy case verdict is out, giving TV news channels another much-needed opportunity to call panel discussions where everybody is agreeing with the anchor.

(Idea Courtesy: Onion’s ‘Something Happened Somewhere’ video story)

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Pakistan To Stone Twitter To Death

Trends change, people don't (Image Courtesy: Arrow, Dreamstime.com)

After ordering a televised beheading of Facebook, and cutting-into-pieces of Youtube two days ago, a local court today sentenced the social networking microblog Twitter to be stoned to death. The court, hearing an appeal from a group of Maulvis, who claimed following Laila (on Twitter) causes Laila (in Ocean), decided in favor of the group, ironically, minutes after installing the twitter client for i-phone on their China-made duplicates. By the way, China hailed Pakistan’s move and said, “Had Facebook been still around, we would have ‘LIKED’ Pakistan.”

The learned judge, Mustafa Mustafa, called the ruling “very progressive, as compared to Indian TV soaps”, while further explaining that he did take a “Facebook personality test two days ago” and found out that he “was Ultra-Paranoid! So I just acted on my personality type, and ordered a cleansing.”

Pakistani teenagers already depressed by the number of soft-porn, Bilawal Zardari screaming like mad, and random white/chinese kids pulling random cats’ tails videos they are going to miss after the death of Youtube and Facebook, went into further shock on realizing that they won’t be able to follow Amitabh Bacchhan’s inane tweets anymore.

Even Hell has no good usernames left (Image Courtesy: Daily Mail UK and EPA)

The stoning of Twitter will take place in Waziristan as soon as a suicide-mission-intern goofs up leaving the rest of the day uneventful.

Meanwhile, Yadav duo, Lalu Prasad and Mulayam Singh, today demanded 33 percent OBC quota in Cyclone names. “OBCs are highly under-represented in Cyclone names. Let the next one be called Rabri. Or Misa”, demanded Lalu Yadav outside parliament.


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Nation Shocked As Suhel Seth Has ‘No Comments’ On Kasab Verdict

In happier times

Mumbai. 06 May 2010.

More than a billion people, including Arnab Goswami and Sagarika Ghose, went in a shocked silence of more than 20-seconds as Suhel Seth confessed that he “frankly” had “no comments” on the Kasab verdict in 26/11 trial that ended yesterday.The interviewer Rajdeep Sardesai, at the other end of the phone line at that moment, initially blamed the dropped-bombshell to ‘some disturbance in our phone connection’ and asked the question again. But to Rajdeep’s, and the milling Indian masses’ utter discomfort, he repeated “No comments” and cut the line.

Though most of the Indian news channels are still in denial over this unexpected development, Times Now calling it “a passing phase” and NDTV’s Barkha Dutt claiming “Suhel will be present in the studio on the weekend discussion discussing Suhel’s absence”, some seem to have come to terms with this “loss”. A prominent business channel with a multiple of 9 in its name featured a half-hour ‘Suhel in the studio’ (SITS) special, recounting his best moments in newsroom discussions. SITS producer Vikram Randhawa said “He was a tiger (in newsrooms). I hope he has something to say about something soon.”

These hair have not whitened in sun... (Image Courtesy: NDTV)

The common man, though, is less forgiving. Saurov Dey, an executive with an international bank in Delhi and an avid media-watcher,  said: “How could he do this to us? He could have just repeated what he famously said about Jessica case, Save the Tiger campaign, Mumbai traffic woes, Malgudi days, Bra color on Facebook, and French food: “I  think it has something for everyone.” I hate him now.”

Meanwhile, public prosecutor in Kasab case, Ujjwal Nikam, has been selected as the first celebrity participant for the coming season’s Bigg Boss, owing to his charisma, achievement, and love for drama.

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Sachin Quits Twitter As Too Many People Following

Some things are best left unsaid (Image Copyright: The Daily Tamasha) (Click to Enlarge)

Mumbai. 06 May 2010.

“It was not meant to be”, says Vinod Kambli, Sachin Tendulkar’s long-time self-styled friend and unoffcial spokesperson, soon after the Indian batting legend quit micro-blogging site Twitter; noticeably just 48-hours after he had joined it. “It was scary for him to see the follower-count just after one night. The counter was running faster than the India-Population-Clock installed at Churchgate station”, adds Kambli.

Sachin had joined the site (famous for celebs telling salivating common-folks, through a series of photographs and 140-character tweets, that how lavishly ignorant a life they lead as compared to fucked-up ignorant of the common man’s) just 2-days ago, apparently by accidentally clicking a “Join Twitter And See My Hot Photos” request by ZOE_oO.  As it happened, the news spread and more than 10-Lakh followers joined forces to pester their “GOD”, forcing @sachin_rt (God’s twitter Avatar) to rethink his move.

Missing Modi (Image Courtesy: Sachin_RT on Twitter)

“One aaaaayush_fan posted the same message (“GODDDDDDD….REPLY tO Me PLSSSSS”) at least  200 times”, says Sachin soon after pulling the plug on his followers. “I know it’s flattering, humbling etc.  But for how long can I take messages like “U r God….lets kill Kasab”, “Y u not playin t20? Y the fugg (sorry for using bad words in front of my God) is Nehraaa dere”, “Wish I was one of the two crabs u holdin'” and “Heyyyyyyyy….i cant beleeive dis” in my stride?”, adds Sachin with just a glint of frustration in his eyes.

With this, a very-short but memorable chapter in India’s social-celeb space has come to an end, though media-watchers are hopeful that Sachin will soon make a comeback on one of the lesser popular sites like Kyaazoonga or Desi-Book.com.

Hey Tweeple.... (Image: PriyankaChopra on Twitter)

Meanwhile, Priyanka Chopra posted another ‘muaaww tweeple’ on her Twitter update, sending her 3-lakh plus followers into throes of orgasmic enlightenment.

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Journo Bites Dog To File ‘Journo Bites Dog’ Story

Graphic representation, original image too un-PETA. (Image Courtesy: Vague)

Indore. 05 May 2010.

In a landmark moment for journalists’ brotherhood around the world, Tirlochan Singh, a cub-reporter with a city newspaper ‘Jaago’, today bit a sleeping street dog to get his mandatory ‘man bites dog’ story of the day. ‘Jaago’ cameraman Abhay Shinde was present to capture the poignant scene for posterity.

Speaking to fellow print journalists, Tirlochan Singh later confessed that he is “an accidental hero” here. “These TV news reporters have muddied the news market. Nobody wants to entertain us as we don’t have a video camera, nor do we shout when we speak. So, it was in this frustrated state of mind, my eyes fell on this sleeping dog. I knew what I wanted to do”, Tirlochan adds matter-of-factly. Victim street dog Bittu was unavailable for comments, while unconfirmed reports suggest that a prominent TV news channel has kidnapped it for an in-depth story.

No dog can sleep like a dog now (Image courtesy: Primco.org, David Primmer)

Though ‘Jaago’ Managing Editor Shankar Sharma was all praise for Tirlochan’s innovative reporting tactics, he wished “Tirlochan had chosen a better looking dog to bite, and perhaps in a more upmarket area of the city”, since “Jaago” has more readership uptown. “Why would people in IAS Colony care about a dog being bitten in Kamla Nehru Nagar?”, Sharma added grimly, before cheering up again and hoping “it’s the beginning of a new age. Dogs are waiting to be bitten!”

Meanwhile, local train motormen strike ended in Mumbai last night, leaving millions of Mumbaikars no choice but to get on with their screwed-up lives.

(Idea Courtesy: Man Bites Dog group on FB, for the subconscious tick.)

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