Navjot Sidhu To Run Naked If Bharat Bandh Reverses Inflation

Naked is a tongue twister if said while running (Image: sulekha.com)

New Delhi. 5 July 2010.

Apparently inspired by a Paraguayan model, ex-cricketer and BJP MP Navjot Singh Sidhu today claimed that he will run naked through the streets of New Delhi if opposition-sponsored Bharat Bandh manages to reverse the price rise. Speaking to the local media on the eve of opposition’s biggest combined jab at govt. policies in UPA’s second term, Sidhu said – “Guru…the nude is condemned to never being naked. The man who runs is always the man who wears the shoes. And lastly, inflation is, what inflation does.” Soon after, BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad decoded the lines for everybody, to send shock-waves in random directions.

If Paraguay had won, inflation would have run (Image: rediff.com)

“Tomato is so expensive now that I’d rather put petrol in my daal-fry”, said Rajesh Tiwari, a common common-man from Kanpur, “but after this news, I am not sure I would like to have daal-fry ever.” Unsurprisingly, many ‘first reactions’ ranged from “I hope not” to “Why Sidhhu, why not KPS Gill?”. But there was support for the daring MP from some quarters, including from his fans of the hit TV show ‘Laughter Challenge’ where he appeared as a laugh-track. “Sidhu paa ji is just great. We can’t stop laughing when he can’t stop laughing. I wish him all the best for this naked run”, said avid TV viewer Sunny Lokhande from Nagpur.

Abundance of potatoes (Image: sulekha.com)

Sidhu’s announcement, though, has not got ruling UPA worried. “For one, inflation is going up, so the man won’t get a chance”, said Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi. He believed that Bharat Bandh “only managed to help UPA as most of the Metros enjoyed a long weekend and blessed UPA for the holiday. In fact, we are thinking of having a central govt. sponsored Bharat Bandh every alternate month, so that all the accompanying surprises and violence could be better organized, and if possible, marketed. Think of the possibility of a reality show – Bharat Bandh Mein Nach Baliye, and many more.”

Meanwhile, after an exhausting, angry, boring, and hectic day at Bharat Bandh, BJP looks forward to another 8-years of exciting in-fighting, high-adrenalin chintan baithaks, and occassional but high-powered sex-tapes.

Bhopal GoM Concludes Rajiv Loved Mango Shakes and Arjun Should Get Compensation

Kwality conscious

New Delhi. 20 June 2010.

Finalising its conclusions on Bhopal gas leak, the reconstituted GoM today said that “Rajiv Gandhi loved milk shakes with mangoes. In fact, he was just crazy about them.”

Cabinet Home Minister and GoM member Mr. P. Chidambaram said “Even Arjun Singh, who was the CM at the time of the fatal leak agrees that our ex-PM Shri Rajiv Gandhi simply loved crushed mangoes shaken in an electric mixer with cold milk.” With this, experts and TV news hosts agree, the 26-year long wait for some kind of closure for Bhopal victims has ended.

Warren Anderson, Circa 1984

The GoM submitted a detailed report, with three major big-impact sub-conclusions. First, that on the day of the gas leak Arjun Singh was the CM and hence he should be given due compensation for facing the trauma of the day. Second, Warren Anderson’s escape could be blamed on the national carrier Air India. “Had they been on strike, like many other days of the year 1984 and on, Anderson would have been around for a long time”, said GoM wild card member Suresh Nambiar.

The third conclusion, the most far-reaching one is to constitute another GoM to reach the third conclusion.

Indore, 10:30 am. This banner consumed 34 kgs. of burfi (Image Courtesy: Telegraph India)

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi’s banners and posters nationwide miraculously started accepting and consuming sweets on the congress leader’s 40th birthday. Congress spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi could not be reached for an explanation.

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(Third conclusion courtesy: @madversity on twitter)

Centre Moves To End Manipur Blockade, Wherever Manipur Is

Official India Map: New Delhi Version (Click your fingers to enlarge.)

New Delhi. 15 June 2010.

Moving swiftly after two months, the UPA Central Government today announced concrete steps to end Manipur highway blockade, “wherever Manipur is”. Speaking with a firm grip on the microphone, and a burning determination in his left eye, Union Secretary KG Pillai said, “We have zeroed down on the area. The troops will be moving soon to the North-Eastern part of India and I will let you know as soon as they find Manipur. I am sure we can do that.”

Just kidding

Explaining the slight delay in reacting to the situation, NH-39 and NH-53 have been blocked by Naga groups for 2 months now, Cabinet Home Minister P. Chidambram said: “I would have reacted a couple of weeks earlier, but Arjun Singh hacked my twitter account. So I had no idea that #manipurblockade is a popular hash-tag.” He added with a decisive tap on his spectacles, “You can blame Arjun Singh for this too.”

Meanwhile, Digvijay Singh clarified his oblique “Rajiv Gandhi is guilty for Bhopal” remark today by saying “Hey look! World cup has started.”

If UPA Doesn’t Listen, We Will Go To Chandragupta Maurya: Khap

He didn't marry the same goat (Image: Amar Chitra Katha)

Kurukshetra. 11 May 2010/1580.

Demanding an amendment in Hindu Marriage Act, to ban same-subcaste marriages, Haryana’s pride, Khap Panchayats today threatened to involve 12th Century King Prithviraj Chauhan as a mediator.  “Maharaj (P. Chauhan) knows us well. He will speak for us. And as a back-up, we already have spoken to Chandragupta Maurya“, said Khap’s honourable spokesperson and Kurukshetra MP Mr. Naveen Jindal. Bhagat Lal, Khap’s youngest member at 2109 years of age, agreed with Mr. Jindal.

Dismissing the media-hype that Khaps are regressive, dark-age entities, Mr. Jindal honourably gulped and said “to the contrary, Khaps are the most progressive thinkers. The ultra-modern Hookah-joints in metros are our contribution!” Though on the question of honour-killings openly endorsed by Khaps, Mr. Jindal maintained an honourable silence.

Khap Member since 200 B.C. (Image Courtesy: Vague)

Presenting the Khap’s case at a press conference held at a 3rd Century BC cave near Mujaffarnagar, Bhagat Lal seemed confident. “We know Congress Aai will support us. Chhora Rahul loves villages and our simple customs. And then, we are secular, and much smarter than Jairam Ramesh” , Bhagat said with a coolness that comes with a thousand years of practice.

Meanwhile, Indian Hockey team defeated mighty Australia 4-3 in an Azlan Shah Cup tie, making the sport-loving Indians just enough uncomfortable to pause before dismissing it as a fluke.

Jairam Ramesh Forgets He Is Jairam Ramesh

Hillary and Hillarious (Image Courtesy: Outlook India)

New Delhi. 10 May 2010.

Months after Pratibha Patil forgetting she is the President of India and a week after Shashi Tharoor forgetting his twitter password, UPA’s Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh yesterday followed the trend. Clarifying his shocking remarks, made in Beijing, against his own government’s China policy, he said: “I was not me. I seriously thought I was Digvijay Singh, yet again criticising Chidambaram. Jairam Ramesh, as a creature or concept, didn’t exist in my mind then.” Insiders didn’t overrule minister’s favorite BT-Grass as one of the reasons for such hallucinations.

The Home Ministry, alleged to be alarmist towards chinese companies by Jairam Ramesh, came out with a strong denial video in which P. Chidambaram kept shaking his head for 10-minutes. Later, an official clarification from the secretariat read: “We have recently installed China-made alarms in the Home Ministry offices. Probably that’s what Mr. Jairam Ramesh meant.”

Paranoid? Who, me? (Image courtesy: Circumstances)

Though Jairam Ramesh is a high-profile minister, and the allegations are serious, the UPA top brass is not worried. “We have been ruling for just last 60-years. We are learning”, said Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi.

Meanwhile, Indian T-20 team succesfully bowed out of T-20 World Cup in West Indies, giving the fans much needed time to sleep, wash and follow Sachin Tendulkar on Twitter.

Union Budget Successfully Confuses Millions In India

Koi Goodluck Nikaalein...Aaj Gullak Toh Fodein

New Delhi. 7 July 2009.

Living up to high expectations from the market and riding on a heavy mandate to the UPA government in the recently held Lok Sabha polls, Indian Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee presented a confidently confusing budget, surpassing the half-measured confused-ness of previous few budgets and equaling the legendary ambiguity of budgets of the 80’s. Loaded with genuinely confusing and at times contradictory terms like exemptions, subsidies, holidays, deficits, slabs, excise, cess, Rajiv, surcharge, Indira, Vikas, and infrastructure – Pranab Mukherjee was able to restore the lost glory of baffling budget-speeches in a short duration of 3 hours.

Bhanu Shah, a mid-level banker and stock-market expert in Mumbai, hailed the budget for its “zero focus on real problems and infrastructure, and still making it all sound so good and big.” Suresh Mahajan, a top-executive with FICII (Federation Instead of Confederation of Indian Industries) rated the “imaginative budget  10 i out of 10, i being the imaginary number, square root of minus one.” Further explaining his joy, Suresh Mahajan said – “Look…budgets are basically study in jargons…how to balance your jargon! You balance a subsidy with cess, holiday with surcharge and jewelry excise with cigarette sales. And the more imaginative you are, the more esoteric your balancing will be. Pranab Da is a pro!”

Rushing home for the budget speech

Though India Inc. is still not out with a clear verdict, experts believe that even that’s a huge indication that how monumentally confusing this budget has been. “We were sitting here, holding our wine glasses, hoping for a speech ripe with numbers, figures, terms, even new kinds of taxes…anything that doesn’t make sense at all, and he exceeded our expectations. I mean, right from the first sentence where he said “physical” and meant “fiscal” – he was on the ball”, said Aditya Birla Group’s COO Coolraaj Chibbar.

Though some quarters were disappointed with “seemingly straightforward, non-confusing measures like increasing the tax-exmeption limit for women”, Delhi-based Financial Expert GK Swamy believes “these are minor aberrations in an otherwise grandly hollow budget. Let’s not deny a credit where it’s due.”

Suhasini Verma, a housewife in Bhopal, has the final word on UPA-II government’s first budget. “His smile is better than that Chidumram’s (sic)…very sweet Bangali smile. But I don’t understand Bangali naa…so didn’t get a word of what he was saying.”