CBI clean-chit to swines in swine-flu case

(Picture courtesy: film.org.au)

New Delhi. 30 April 2009.

As the swine-flu spreads across seven countries of Europe and Americas, CBI of India has given a hasty ‘clean-chit’ to swines of the world, irrespective of their nationalties. With this, CBI achieves a hattrick of clean-chits in a month which saw similar acquittals of Tytler, Sajjan, and Quattrochhi in cases dating back to pre-Google, post-Beatles years of the 80’s.

Explaining the 1084-page clean-chit submitted by the organization, a source reveals – “Of course, it took us 25-years or so in the other cases, but this time we were sure that swines were being framed without proper evidence. We all know birds fly, and swines not. So, how can you say ‘swine-flew’? Ridiculous.”

Always by his side

Though American media was rife with rumors of President Obama catching the notorious flu himself, his wife and First Lady Michelle Obama cleared the air by emphasizing that “he is not good at catching anything foreign, be it policy or flu.”

Meanwhile, Republicans have blamed Democrats’ liberal border policy for the latest flu-outbreak. “Had they sealed the Mexico border, we wud’ve no flu crossing over…ye!”, shouted an angry protestor outside Pentagon.

Frustrated minister throws shoes at public

Shoe statue in Tikrit, Iraq

Jabalpur. 28 April 2009.

Fed up of recent shoe-throwing incidents at his last three election rallies, Minister of State for Leather Industry, Balwant Kelkar, today started his Jabalpur rally by throwing a few shoes himself. Unsuspecting supporters of Kelkar were in for a shock as he followed his garlanding with throwing five-rounds of shoes, hitting his random target three times.

An emotionally charged minister later admitted that it was a fully planned move as “I wanted to make it clear first-up that I am no sissy like Chidambram, Manmohan, Advani or Yeddyurappa. I wanted to tell that if you throw one, I have my bag full.” He added that his “good aims” were not a fluke and he had “practised religiously” for the last few days.

Lallan Srivastava, one of the unfortunate hit by Kelkar’s shoe threatened to move court against the minister, though he didn’t rule out “getting even at the next rally in Bhopal.” Sources confirm that shoe-throwing rackets have cropped up all over country, promising ‘Professional Shoe-throwers’ at affordable rates.

The future is here

Meanwhile, sports accessory giant NIKE has launched its new line of easy-to-throw ‘Zed-Ee’ (in a cryptic tribute to Bush shoe-thrower) range of shoes. Priced at $1,o00 a pair, they promise a good reward money in return, if you hit somebody important. Also, with this, NIKE has announced a change in its tagline from ‘Just Do It’ to ‘Just Throw It’.

Fake IPL Player blog written by me: Big B confesses

Howzzaat!!

Mumbai. 24 April 2009.

In a revelation as bizarre as Freida Pinto landing a Woody Allen film, Superstar of the millennium (since last 30-years), Mr. Amitabh Bachchan today admitted to being the ghost writer for the near-cult Fake IPL Player Blog. The blog claiming to be a real account of Kolkata Knight Riders’ board meetings had already created a buzz by calling names to team-owner SRK. “But now it makes sense,” says Mumbai Police’s ‘Cyber Crime Cell’ chief Anant Rajulu, the man behind cracking this intriguing case.

Writing in his blog, following the cyber team’s crack, Big B admitted to starting this blog as a “fun exercise”, but claims that it grew on him. “Frankly, I hate this format as well as Lalit Modi. I mean, what’s next? A Two-Two….a two-over each match? Or just a T-T, where both the captains go out there and ‘toss’? And of course, SRK being there was an added incentive to write. I have been silent all my life but now I have the power, so nobody can stop me from faking it”, goes his one blog entry. In another entry, probably written in a mellower mood, he elaborates, “I know most of the details out there are incorrect. In fact, I would never call SRK ‘Badshah D*&@’. I mean, why bother with ‘Badshah’? And guess what, this time I foxed Shobha De too. She commented on the fake blog like a fanboy!’

Though the details of how the mystery was solved are still unknown, sources claim that cops smelled rat  when out of 2,000 or so comments on the blog, more than 1,500 were signed as “Chhotey-Bhaiyya!”

After the failure of 4-captain theory, IPL team tries Af-Pak policy to improve results

Obama on Af-Pak

The real beneficiary

Durban. 21 April 2009.

The furore following IPL team Knight Riders’ four-captain-theory is yet to die down, but the team has gone ahead and embraced another fancy and equally controversial policy to up its fortunes. Team owner and love-mera-hit-hit star Shahrukh Khan today announced his willingness to “try-out” US President Mr. Barack Obama’s grand Af-Pak policy to give his boys the much-needed fillip in the second season of India’s local cricket tournament, which incidentally, is being played in South Africa this year.

Explaining the new development, Knight Riders’ coach John Buchanan said that “the team needs something which is raw, fancy, and absolutely impractical, as that’s what the IPL format demands. I mean, you can’t be more impractical than Shane Warne, and he won it last year.” Though Mr. Obama couldn’t be reached directly, he was busy formulating Kar-Tam policy for resolving the Karnataka-Tamilnadu Cauvery Water dispute,  his office expressed delight at getting the news. “That’s a start! Somebody in South-East Asia recognizing our policy”, the short message from White House read.

Though there is still vagueness regarding how Af-Pak will be implemented by KKR, fellow teams insist that it’s just another name for ‘Four-Captain-Theory’ where everybody takes decisions and nobody takes the responsibility.

Thank God for racism!

Meanwhile, Team Rajasthan Royals’ stake-holder Shilpa Shetty today expressed her shock at realizing that IPL is “not a Big Brother type reality show! I mean, where is the voting, bitching, nudity, abusive language, and fake emotions?. Lalit Modi sold me the package with these tags, and he lied.” Lalit Modi, in his defense, just said – “I didn’t lie.”

Samajwadi Party promises a ban on shoe-laces and shirt-buttons to woo poor-vote

Manifesting the manifesto

Lucknow. 15 April 2009.

In a move bound to devastate its opposition, Samajwadi Party today promised a complete ban on shoe-laces and shirt-buttons (plastic, wood, or even fiber-glass material) in its election manifesto for the forthcoming Lok Sabha elections. Addressing a media-meet, party chief Mulayam Singh Yadav unbuttoned his own shirt while explaining the need for such a move. “There has been too many buttons now. For the last 200-years or so…we are virtually being ruled by buttons….and even shoe-laces.  This must stop…”, he  announced grandly, as Amar Singh walked in wearing chappals.

Experts believe that SP will make deep inroads into poor territory with this latest set of promises, apparently made to top-off party’s earlier promise of banning computers, tractors, and hair gel – all signs of wealth, style, and technology. Supporting the ban on computers, party’s new poster boy, Sanjay Dutt claimed – “I don’t know why the world is going crazy about computers. I mean…I didn’t see any difference between Windows-47 and Windows-56. Or was it XP-47 and XP-56?”

Meanwhile, BJP’s Pilibhit Lok Sabha candidate Varun Gandhi cut-off an umpire’s hand in Sanjay Gandhi Memorial Inter-Jail Tennis Ball Cricket Tournament. Umpire’s fault? He raised his hand to indicate an LBW decision.

Chidambram apologizes to his shoe-thrower for being so annoying

Boo!

8 April 2009. New Delhi.

Overcome with shame, guilt, realization and recession, ex-Finance Minister, and now-Home Minister P. Chidambram today apologized to the shoe-chucker journalist Journail Singh for being “so annoying and incoherent over the last few months, and especially during the fateful press-conference that the poor journalist had no choice but to part with his leather shoe.”

“This is not the first time that somebody has thrown a shoe at me, and honest to God, I know, it’s not the last time too”, Chidu reflected at the inauguration of a shoe-factory in the Capital, just two days after the incident. He added, in a nostalgic vein, that his school-teacher Subbu Sir was the first to throw a shoe (army boots!) at him, when “as a kid, I did a basic mistake in calculating 7 minus 7, and in stead did 7 plus 7; a kind of mistake I did recently too, while calculating our economy’s growth rate.”

Chidambram praised Journail Singh for “being considerate enough to take only right-foot shoe off, and that too, he ‘offered’ gently rather than giving it a full-blooded throw.”  More praise came Journail’s way as Chidambram added, with a heartfelt glint in his right-eye, “Without suggesting that Journail Singh was slow at all, I still appreciate his lethargic throw, which gave me enough time to duck or side-step.”

Meanwhile, journalist’s groups as well as little-known religious outfits have taken offense at Chidambram’s latest comments. They have vowed to shut shops, burn state buses, and cause panic, mayhem and pain-in-the-ass in general since Chidambram has “hurt religious, professional, and leather material sentiments” by using “letahrgy, leather, Singh, and throw” in a single sentence.

Far from all this media tamasha around his simple act of removing a kankad from his shoe-sole, Journail Singh is charting new frontiers. Signed on as a TV Reality show’s new judge, he will be throwing shoes at the participants who don’t perform well, or perform too well. And before you get it all wrong, the channel executive clarifies, “Of course, there will be viewer voting on who to “shoe” and who to not.”

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