Tag Archives: Verdict

High Court Says Lord Ram Had Moustaches – Orders Changes In Calendars and Arun Govil

Following the court order... (Note: Rented wig. Moustache not to scale.)

Allahabad. 1 October 2010.

In a landmark verdict, Barabanki bench of Allahabad High Court today decreed that Lord Ram had thick, bushy moustaches, and changes be made in Hindu calendar art as well as Arun Govil to reflect the reality. “Lord Ram grew a pencil thin moustache soon after his 19th Birthday, and then, during the 14-year long exile, he went for a make-over resulting in thick moustache so as to mingle with crowds down south”, read the judgement text on the official website of the High Court.

Reacting to the judgement, Arun Govil, the smiling-face actor who played Lord Ram in a hit TV series in the 80’s, said: “I respect the court judgement, but hope I haven’t lost my moustache hormones forever, owing to years of clean-shaving. It would have been great if they had given some verdict on the beard/stubble part too, and got the facial hair issues done with.”

A classic Indian timepass, now a court order. (Image courtesy: Chandan from Indore)

Chandan, a 16-year old High School student in Indore, is ecstatic with the verdict though. “I have been drawing moustaches on the faces on calendars, magazines, newspaper ads ever since I was 4-year old. In fact, I should confess that I love Katrina Kaif with moustaches.”

A majority of tired TV debaters, after a 12-hour shouting match with alternate-view holders, hailed the judgement as ‘worthy of a good debate’. Politicians of both the ruling as well as opposition parties appealed the masses to stay calm, unaffected, and dumb.

Meanwhile, another PIL, asking the court to ascertain the “proper English spellings of Lord Ram’s sons Luv* and Kush, especially Luv*” has been filed by a shopkeeper in Hardoi, Uttar Pradesh. “Is it LOVE or LUV, or LOV?”, asks the PIL.

(Additional Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. Written in good humor. Please don’t break vodka bottles on anybody’s head after reading this. And don’t sue. Please.)

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Filed under Bizarre, Society

Ayodhya Verdict Leaked: Land To Go To IIPM

Leaked vision for tomorrow

Allahabad. 22 September 2010.

In a shocking leak, apparently carried out by underpaid clerks of Allahabad high court, the much-awaited verdict in Babri Masjid land-title case declared Indian Institute of Planning and Management (IIPM) to be the rightful owners of the property. “IIPM owned the land much before Mughals invaded India, forget Britishers”, reads the powerful text accompanying the verdict given by 3-member High Court bench in Allahabad. “IIPM’s legacy goes  back to the days of Nalanda-Taxila, and we have banner-ads to prove that even in the days of Chandragupta Maurya, Kings used to send their illegitimate children to IIPM Universities”, the court noted as an aside.

The design of proposed IIPM structure at Ayodhya

Professor Arindam Chaudhury, the founder, speaker and transformational leader at IIPM called the verdict “a fitting reply to the detractors of IIPM, including UGC” and said “a new fugly structure, preceded by fugly newspaper ads, will soon come up at the site, handing out European-countryside-attested MBA degrees to Indian-countryside-kids”.

With this, the 300-year long dispute over Ayodhya – a rare small-town in UP with more cows than Mayawati statues – has come to a symbolic end. Hindu-Muslim issues expert Mannu Raza noted: “I know not many would be happy with this verdict. Especially the TV commentators who love the smell of froth coming out of their mouth. But then, this could have been worse. The land could have been given to Suresh Kalmadi for the next CWG!”

Celebrity-on-call Mahesh Bhatt, though, seemed elated by the verdict. “I have been saying for long that a Sulabh Shauchalaya or a Disneyland kind of structure would be a nice middle ground where people of all religions visited. It turns out they found a good mix of Sulabh Shauchalaya and Disneyland in IIPM”, Bhatt said.

Extremists and skeptics on either side, meanwhile, had a hard day following the leak. “For the last 1-month, I have been stocking-up Maggi, thinking there will be a siege and we will burn all the shops down . Now tell me, what the fuck should I do with all this Maggi?”, was the poignant question by Chunnu in Lucknow.

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Filed under Politics, Society

World Awed As Apple Launches Something Good-looking

Found in a bar (Pic Courtesy: matthewktabor.com)

San Fransisco. 07 June 2010.

In a much anticipated and fanatically followed ceremony, Apple CEO Steve Jobs launched something very sleek, good looking, and fantastically white. Technology website reporters, business journalists, bored-but-there executives, over-informed teenagers, and clueless passers-by waited for hours, not because Jobs was late but, to feel good about themselves, as the keynote started.

“Stop me, if you have already seen this”, he started his speech with, and had to contend with raised hands, mostly from Gizmodo subscribers, every few seconds. He then apologized and changed his first line to, “Stop me if you really think you can get alive out of here after doing so”, which resulted in putting the focus back on the good looking thing he was unveiling. The 90-minute mindfuckingly unbelievable presentation showed the good-looking thing in various good-looking angles with Steve Jobs’ good-sounding voice-over explaining the good looks.

Hypenating good-looking

Sandman Hurst, 36, the leading tech expert for a very big tech magazine in a very big country live-blogged enthusiastically, calling the launch “one of the most awaited days” of his life. Hurst would have added more but then he had to get back to his job and “work my ass-off at my blood sucking company so that I could buy the good looking thing sometime in the coming decade.”

Youngsters from around the world held their breath before, and hugged each other after, the launch, to claim that they belonged. “I can’t tell you how thrilled I am. I didn’t sleep for the last 2 weeks – I don’t know why – but it all seems worth it now!”, said Neil Simon, 22.

If Apple insiders are to be believed, the company is working on a new-range of somethings to be launched sometime soon, if not sometime later.

Meanwhile in India, 1984’s Bhopal Gas Tragedy case verdict is out, giving TV news channels another much-needed opportunity to call panel discussions where everybody is agreeing with the anchor.

(Idea Courtesy: Onion’s ‘Something Happened Somewhere’ video story)

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