78 Percent Teenagers Suffer From Smiley-Related Syndromes

Monsters all

Mumbai. 31 may 2009.

In a completely expected yet path-breaking study, a team of Social Scientists and Psychologists from Tata Insititute of Social Sciences (TISS) have concluded that most of Indian teenagers suffer from one or another kind of smiley-related syndrome. The syndromes, broadly bracketed as ‘Smiley Over Use in Chats and SMS’ (also known as SOUCHASMistic), ‘Smiley-Turno-Phobia’ (a mortal fear that smiley characters won’t turn 90 degrees to become an animated figure in Gtalk), and ‘Smiley-chronism’ (a condition where the inflicted uses a wrong smiley at wrong time, especially when chatting with a person of the opposite sex ).

Dr. Hatprabh Goswami, the man behind this research, says – “We found that an average teenager finds himself lost for words in places where there are no smileys. Starting or finishing a conversation without a smiley is alien to them.” Based on years of research and a survey of at least 12,0000 teenagers across 52 Indian cities, the TISS team has come up with some startling results. “At least 65 percent teenagers pray and wait for Gtalk smileys to turn around and do their animated gig. That gives them a high like nothing else. In fact, some of them have even started smiling like that in real life…tilting their heads to 90 degrees first, and then getting back to normal with teeth glowing”, adds TISS doctoral student Reshmi Ghosh.

Though the number of teenagers suffering from Smiley-Chronism is very less now (around 24 percent) but scientists don’t deny a possibility of a miscalculation here as “the survey sheets also had smiley-figures to be ticked for correct choices, and some Smiley-chronic teenagers might have ticked wrong ones because of their condition.”

SRK, Amir Support As Multiplex Popcorn Sellers Go On Strike Too

Pop it again...

Mumbai. 29 May 2009.

In another blow to the ongoing multiplex-producer stand-off, Popcorn Sellers Union Of India (Caramel and Cheese Included) today went on an ‘indefinite strike’ owing to current profit-sharing system in place.”We are making more money for Multiplexes than those Akshay Kumar duds like “CC2C” or “Tasveer Eighty”, and we get no profit share?” lamented Raja Singh Chandel, President of PSUI (CCI) in a press statement. Though Multiplex Owners Association could not be contacted for a comment, a reliable source confirmed that “the development (sic) may force Lalit Modi into organizing two more IPLs this year, with cheerleaders munching the popcorn strategically in strategy breaks”.

Popcorn industry, estimated to be Rs. 400-Crore big, has been going through a low-phase since new-age filmmakers like Anurag Kashyap and Murugadoss arrived on scene. Noted Psychologist, Dr. Indira Verma, insists that “more the violence, sex, politics, or memory loss in a film, lesser is the viewer’s desire to eat something, especially feel-good things like popcorn or Kismi toffee bar. That’s why we don’t see Kismi in the markets anymore.”

You look kkrushed!

Meanwhile Popcorn Sellers Union of India (Caramel and Cheese Included) got a much-needed voice of support from Amir Khan who promised “to speak to Shahrukh, arrange a press-meet, and then remain silent so that Shahrukh could do all the talking and I could retain my serious image.” Shahrukh, on the other hand, seemed much more enthusiastic to support Popcorn-strikers and issued a statement saying “Hell, I have supported KKR. This can’t be worse!”

In a related development (sic), Multiplex owners have decided to extend their strike till year 2025 as by then, they will be “more clear in terms of what our demands are.”

Origin of our Universe related to Sensex: Cosmic Scientists confirm

Great lighting!

Berkley. 20 May 2009.

13.73 billion years after our Universe came into existence, and another 40-years after Big Bang theory was reluctantly agreed upon,  Cosmic Scientists at Berkley University have found the real reason behind the ‘Big Bang’. Jimmy Lola, renowned scientist and the head of star-gazing facility at the University, feels “Sensex…the Indian stock market index must have crossed the One-Lakh mark, causing the Big Bang which then went on to create the Universe we live in.”

With this, scientists have recognized the only missing link in the bizarre chain of events, starting with a sudden bang “one fine day” and extending up to Michael Jackson awfully shouting ‘Owwwww’ on stage. Smiling from ear to mid-chin, Lola explains – “We accepted Big Bang, hell we had no option, but we wanted a plausible reason for it to happen. It couldn’t be random, like America going to war….it had to have a real good reason. And Sensex was the reason!”

The Man Lola

Lola cracks-up on being asked how he stumbled upon this huge discovery and says modestly – “Well…it just fell into my lap. The TV remote, I mean. I was watching Indian Business News Channel…had my money stashed with those Satyam goons…and there it was, a News Anchor jumping up and down like he was on LSD, another one kissing the laptop, and yet another one already 5-feet up in air, all talking about Sensex. Then, with live proofs, we knew what a ten-point rise in Sensex could do. And imagine, what would it have done if it crossed 1-Lakh mark a few billion years ago? Big Bang!”

Though he refused to answer at first what Sensex would be there for, when there was no Universe. But as this reporter was wrapping up, he came close and shared the secret – “The Universe was abstract before it came into existence. And that’s what sensex is – abstract.”

IPL commentator dies of excitement during strategy break

Johnnie…no more in the picture.

Cape Town. 14 May 2009.

Silencing T20 critics and ICL supporters in one blow, Johnnie Oswald, the New Zealand born famous IPL commentator died here of a heart-attack while announcing the very exciting ‘strategy break’ feature of an IPL 2.0 game between Delhi Daredevils and Rajasthan Royals. Eyewitnesses and fellow cheer-girls later confirmed that Johnnie just loved announcing ‘strategy break’ in the most heart-thumping, outlandish way and today he just overdid it. Johnnie’s last sentence, though unfinished, was – “Strategy Break!! This is where they win or lose!! Goosebumps all over the place…I feel like…”

Johnnie’s death comes at a time when critics of the format, and especially ‘strategy break’ innovation, are running amok calling it another step in whoring of Cricket, “and that too, in the most boring way.” IPL’s veteran host Arun Lal, sitting next to Johnnie at the time of mishap, summed up his shock while speaking to a Lalit-Modi approved news channel – “Johnnie did a ‘Yo-Man’ service to the format. I think his death was a Citi Moment of Shock for me, and he will be Pepsi-missed in the commentary box. And trust me, he was DLFucking good with his job!” 

Newborn baby predicts poll outcome, while Rahul Gandhi doesn’t rule out post-poll alliance with Balochistan National Congress

"Hung...Hung...Hung" (Pic Courtesy: Indianhindunames.com)

New Delhi. 12 May 2009.

Villagers of Shahpur Baadli in Delhi’s adjacent Okhla District are still in a shock as a lady gave birth to a miracle baby, termed aptly as ‘Polu’ by the local media. Reports suggest that the newborn can be called India’s youngest poll-pundit as the baby has been muttering ‘hung…hung…hung’ unstoppably since her birth two days ago. Baby ‘Polu’ has also given other indications as to what could be in store for the bigger parties by peeing on her ‘hand’ and biting the ‘lotus’ when presented to her.

Polu’s father Banwaari, a Congress supporter himself (mainly because he finds Priyanka’s fashion sense good), said that he suspected something strange pretty early as the kid bawled badly at seeing the picture of Sonia Gandhi but smiled beatifically on being shown Jaya Prada and Amar Singh’s poster. TV Psephologists and Astrologers, led by Bejan Daruwala and Yogendra Yadav, have dismissed the whole incident as a sabotage-bid by the villagers adding – “That’s ridiculous! Poll-prediction is data based, highly sophisticated, statistical, and divine exercise. We have the data, and our prediction is Hung Parliament. Who is that kid?”

No borders, post-poll

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi cleared the decks for more post-poll alliances and didn’t rule out a “look at Balochistan National Congress for a secular government soon.” Rubbishing media claims that INC is falling short of allies, Rahul Gandhi emphasized “the need for an open mind post-polls.” “Balochsitan is not far-off, and they are Congress anyways!”, he concluded.

Zoozoo mania: Advani promises more Zoozoos, Rahul Gandhi claims Zoozoos are Gandhis

Easy Icons (Pic Courtesy: Vodafone)

New Delhi. 06 May 2009.

As reports of four Zoozoos being kidnapped from a Mumbai studio remain unconfirmed, BJP’s PM candidate LK Advani today promised “more Zoozoos” if elected to power. Speaking at an election rally in Nainital in Uttaranchal, Advani waved a Zoozoo poster as he told the waiting crowd – “People say we don’t have election issues this time round. People say we don’t have a promise of hope and change like Mr. Oh-Bhama had. I say, we have Zoozoo…and our government will make sure we have a Zoozoo for every Indian, Uma Bharti included. ” At another election rally in the nearby village of Kumdi, Advani even convinced party leader Mr. Venkaiah Naidu to dress-up in a Zoozoo suit but unfortunately his legs were too thick to slip into.

Not one to be left behind, Congress hope Rahul Gandhi too called a special press conference and smiled for ten minutes. As a parting note, he told the gathering that “Zoozoos are Gandhis and there is no doubt about that.” Explaining his claim, he added – “Look at the crazy fan-following….look at their gibberish talks, and how can you miss their cute blunders!”

Khooni Tantrik

Meanwhile in Mumbai, PETA roped in yesteryear’s film-star and “Son-of-Dracula” Joginder in a campaign to “Save Zoozoos” from exploitation in TV Ads. PETA spokesperson in India, Alissa Beafcake, expressed her joy at “getting Joginder in, especially since after Sherlyn Chopra, we were running out of celebrities supporting our cause.”

Long Weekend moves court. Won’t take blame for low voting in Mumbai.

Road beckons (Pic: Team BHP)

Mumbai. 2 May 2009.

Following all-round criticism for being the sole reason for low voter-turnout in the 30th April Lok-Sabha elections in city, Long Weekend today moved court to clear its name off the slur.  Although most of the court officials were out of town, thanks to Long Weekend itself, a very angry Long Weekend managed to file a contempt plea in the Bandra Court.

Yes, we mean it

Speaking to the media-persons, LW reiterated that “blaming me for low turnout is like blaming Christmas Holiday for Jesus’s birth. I am the effect, and not the cause here.” On being asked whether he himself went out to vote, LW showed the middle-finger and threw a Kareena Kapoor cut-out on the reporters, shouting – “Listen, I didn’t work in that ‘Go out and Vote’ campaign, and I am mighty pissed with these dry-days already, so don’t push me more.”

Meanwhile, experts believe that repeated telecasts of Tata Tea’s ‘Jaago Re’ campaign might be responsible for the widespread fatigue among the voters. Bhavin Shah, a Mumbai Northwest voter said – “I kept on waiting at home for that Jaago-Re guy to come, offer me tea, and drag me to the booth. But none of it happened. What farce!”

Though local media is still tied over who to blame for the 40-percent turnout, it’s learnt from reliable sources that Tata Nano’s upcoming campaign for long weekends is called ‘Bhaago Re!’.