Centre Moves To End Manipur Blockade, Wherever Manipur Is

Official India Map: New Delhi Version (Click your fingers to enlarge.)

New Delhi. 15 June 2010.

Moving swiftly after two months, the UPA Central Government today announced concrete steps to end Manipur highway blockade, “wherever Manipur is”. Speaking with a firm grip on the microphone, and a burning determination in his left eye, Union Secretary KG Pillai said, “We have zeroed down on the area. The troops will be moving soon to the North-Eastern part of India and I will let you know as soon as they find Manipur. I am sure we can do that.”

Just kidding

Explaining the slight delay in reacting to the situation, NH-39 and NH-53 have been blocked by Naga groups for 2 months now, Cabinet Home Minister P. Chidambram said: “I would have reacted a couple of weeks earlier, but Arjun Singh hacked my twitter account. So I had no idea that #manipurblockade is a popular hash-tag.” He added with a decisive tap on his spectacles, “You can blame Arjun Singh for this too.”

Meanwhile, Digvijay Singh clarified his oblique “Rajiv Gandhi is guilty for Bhopal” remark today by saying “Hey look! World cup has started.”

Pakistan To Stone Twitter To Death

Trends change, people don't (Image Courtesy: Arrow, Dreamstime.com)

After ordering a televised beheading of Facebook, and cutting-into-pieces of Youtube two days ago, a local court today sentenced the social networking microblog Twitter to be stoned to death. The court, hearing an appeal from a group of Maulvis, who claimed following Laila (on Twitter) causes Laila (in Ocean), decided in favor of the group, ironically, minutes after installing the twitter client for i-phone on their China-made duplicates. By the way, China hailed Pakistan’s move and said, “Had Facebook been still around, we would have ‘LIKED’ Pakistan.”

The learned judge, Mustafa Mustafa, called the ruling “very progressive, as compared to Indian TV soaps”, while further explaining that he did take a “Facebook personality test two days ago” and found out that he “was Ultra-Paranoid! So I just acted on my personality type, and ordered a cleansing.”

Pakistani teenagers already depressed by the number of soft-porn, Bilawal Zardari screaming like mad, and random white/chinese kids pulling random cats’ tails videos they are going to miss after the death of Youtube and Facebook, went into further shock on realizing that they won’t be able to follow Amitabh Bacchhan’s inane tweets anymore.

Even Hell has no good usernames left (Image Courtesy: Daily Mail UK and EPA)

The stoning of Twitter will take place in Waziristan as soon as a suicide-mission-intern goofs up leaving the rest of the day uneventful.

Meanwhile, Yadav duo, Lalu Prasad and Mulayam Singh, today demanded 33 percent OBC quota in Cyclone names. “OBCs are highly under-represented in Cyclone names. Let the next one be called Rabri. Or Misa”, demanded Lalu Yadav outside parliament.

Sachin Quits Twitter As Too Many People Following

Some things are best left unsaid (Image Copyright: The Daily Tamasha) (Click to Enlarge)

Mumbai. 06 May 2010.

“It was not meant to be”, says Vinod Kambli, Sachin Tendulkar’s long-time self-styled friend and unoffcial spokesperson, soon after the Indian batting legend quit micro-blogging site Twitter; noticeably just 48-hours after he had joined it. “It was scary for him to see the follower-count just after one night. The counter was running faster than the India-Population-Clock installed at Churchgate station”, adds Kambli.

Sachin had joined the site (famous for celebs telling salivating common-folks, through a series of photographs and 140-character tweets, that how lavishly ignorant a life they lead as compared to fucked-up ignorant of the common man’s) just 2-days ago, apparently by accidentally clicking a “Join Twitter And See My Hot Photos” request by ZOE_oO.  As it happened, the news spread and more than 10-Lakh followers joined forces to pester their “GOD”, forcing @sachin_rt (God’s twitter Avatar) to rethink his move.

Missing Modi (Image Courtesy: Sachin_RT on Twitter)

“One aaaaayush_fan posted the same message (“GODDDDDDD….REPLY tO Me PLSSSSS”) at least  200 times”, says Sachin soon after pulling the plug on his followers. “I know it’s flattering, humbling etc.  But for how long can I take messages like “U r God….lets kill Kasab”, “Y u not playin t20? Y the fugg (sorry for using bad words in front of my God) is Nehraaa dere”, “Wish I was one of the two crabs u holdin'” and “Heyyyyyyyy….i cant beleeive dis” in my stride?”, adds Sachin with just a glint of frustration in his eyes.

With this, a very-short but memorable chapter in India’s social-celeb space has come to an end, though media-watchers are hopeful that Sachin will soon make a comeback on one of the lesser popular sites like Kyaazoonga or Desi-Book.com.

Hey Tweeple.... (Image: PriyankaChopra on Twitter)

Meanwhile, Priyanka Chopra posted another ‘muaaww tweeple’ on her Twitter update, sending her 3-lakh plus followers into throes of orgasmic enlightenment.

Austere Indian Minister Quits ‘Paapad’, Drought-Hit Farmers Euphoric

International Austerity Conference at Taj Mansingh, New Delhi

New Delhi. 13 September, 2009.

In a rarest of rare case, an Indian Union Minister gave the much-publicized austerity-drive a huge fillip by quitting the Indian food accompaniment ‘paapad’ to show solidarity with the government’s drought-relief programs. “I can’t bring myself to have that paapad, especially when moong-daal, the basic ingredient of my favorite paapads, has taken the biggest hit this monsoon”, the Minister with Independent Portfolio, Kamal Nath Sharma said in an emotional press-briefing.

The hard-earned appreciation

He also displayed the ‘Certificate of Appreciation’ presented to him by AICC President Sonia Gandhi the night before, just after he finished his first meal in 40-years without paapad. “Sonia ji was very happy that I have taken such a huge step on my own,” said Kamal Nath Sharma.

Experts believe that Kamal Sharma’s bold move may have a cascading effect and many more ministers will follow soon with their own, even grander versions of, self-imposed restrictions. It’s worth noting that MOS, MEA Shashi Tharoor has already cut-down on his gymming hours and he doesn’t “do bench-press and leg-curls exercises” anymore.

The news has brought much joy among the farmers in drought-hit districts of Madhya Pradesh and Maharashtra. “We never thought The Government would care for us…but Kamal Sharma has proved us wrong, and how!”, said Bilaas Sarma, the sarpanch of Jilohi village in Chhindwara district. “In fact, we have decided to build his statue to show our gratitude. A location has been finalized, and expert sculptors from Lucknow have been contacted. And of course, he will be holding a ‘paapad’ in one hand and pointing the other towards horizon, indicating more paapads beyond the drought”, Bilaas Sarma added.

Lijjat Family, in happier times

Meanwhile, Indian Army has confirmed that the guerillas putting red-spray paints on Ladakhi rocks were NOT Chinese Armyperson. “They were Coca Cola advertisers!”, read a classified note doing the rounds.

China Bans Public Urinals To Avoid Social Networking

History leaks into future

Undisclosed Location. 13 June 2009.

Chinese Government, after banning You Tube, Flickr, and Twitter, has now taken ‘concrete’ steps to outlaw social networking as it existed in its most primitive form by putting an immediate ban on Public Urinals. A government website, accessible only to government officials still alive and not urinating publicly, today announced the latest development by sending a tweet, G-talk message, mail, SMS, audible shout to other government officials in other states. A mandarin from the Ministry of Health and Restrictions later confirmed that “all the public urinals will be shut down and dynamited with immediate effect. Social networking, especially when done while a liquid sensation is running through one’s body could be potentially harmful to the People’s Republic’s Republicity.”

A team of scientists, working directly under the Ministry of Science and Restrictions, has already got cracking at designing a single-use ‘Public Urinal Booth’ (PUB) – something which only one person can use on as-is-where-is-whatever-is basis. Such PUBs, adds a scientist, will “make sure that people mind their own business” while peeing. Another scientist, visibly excited with the new development, added – ‘We don’t mind a few bladder-bursts in the meantime. But we will make sure to come up with a single-use Urinal that keeps our sovereignty ahead of our loo-needs.’

Hu Scru Us?

Meanwhile, after the latest round of threats by officials to get Google banned in China, Google has shot back by threatening to remove the word “China” from its search engine.