Melbourne. 22 February 2008.
The Cricketing World has not been in such a turmoil since Kapil Dev pronounced Hansie Cronje as “Hansi Karonje” Live on ESPN, during a World Cup telecast in 1996. But now, the variable pricing for invariably inconsistent players in IPL has started creating fault-lines across and through the teams.
Indian team, riding high on Deepika Padukone’s latest text message to Yuvraj and the high bids of IPL, today marched in front of Aussie dressing room and teased Ricky Ponting and company for “getting at least Rs. 12 Crore less” than them in the IPL auctions. Doing some quick on-the-spot Mathematics, Harbhajan concluded that Ishant Sharma is Rs. 20 Lakh per kilo more expensive than Andrew Symonds, since Symonds earns Rs. 2 Crores more than Ishant but also weighs around 40 kilos more.
Ponting didn’t take the ‘Jeetendra gestures’ being made by Indian team lightly and promised to find a way to weaken the Australian economy so that the Rupee-to-Aussie-Dollar conversion rate becomes favorable and his team could “fill some of the valuation gap!” He also threatened to take the matter to ICC, and “if ICC proves useless, then to ICC bosses in India, namely BCCI.”
In a related incident, former Delhi captain and presently TV host Kirti Aazaad landed up in Melbourne and tried to manhandle Ishant Sharma, reportedly “for making so much money.” Though Ishant didn’t incur any injuries, he admitted he could understand “what some of the veterans and senior players of the team were going through.”
Meanwhile in Mohali, Preity Zinta took a tour of PCA Cricket stadium to “understand the game” she has “invested in.” The ‘what’s-going-on’ starlet from 2006 blockbuster ‘Salaam Namaste’ was really impressed by the “quality of stumps being used in Cricket now-a-days!” Waving a stump, which she kept on addressing as “middle-stump”, Zinta gushed – “I am sure we will win – or at least reach the penalty shoot-out.”
Illinois, 16 February.
Responding just in time to the ever-rising menace of on-campus shootouts, 23 American states, including South Dakota and Wyoming and excluding Nebraska, today passed resolutions to tighten the already existing Anti-Campus-Shootout Laws. According to new stringent codes, no shootouts will be allowed during the lunch hours and only one shootout per University campus during the dinner time. “Of course, we will have different summer, spring, winter, and autumn timings for lunch/dinner in different states,” clarified Springfield Senator Bubba Livingstone, the man behind this “mission” to make college campuses a center of learning and fearless eating breaks. Waving a copy of the law, Bubba added that “the lunatic, anti-social killers have no right disrupting the traditionally peaceful food breaks, and ought to show some concern for public manners.”
Phoenix Police Chief Viggo Corleonni agreed that it was high time such a law be passed and implemented to “put some sense back into these shit-heads who treat shootouts as a visit to China – very cheap and very mindless.” Many social psychologists believe that just a ‘lunch hour overrule’ may not be enough to abet the potential attack, as “the shooter may not be much of an eater” and hence, may not distinguish between the “stupid British distinctions for Lunch, Dinner and Breakfast, in any order!”
But the eerie final word on the raging issue came from Jimmy Jendrix, a fake profile owner on Orkut who successfully runs the cult community, “Killers Inc.”, for crazy shooters. Jimmy’s auto-scrap (automatic messaging on Orkut) to more than 20 Million users of the social networking site read – “Burger!”
Just in: Psychologists and FBI’s grammatical wing are still out there decoding it, but it sure sounds sinister.
Washington. 13th February.
The race for American Presidency is throwing up surprises faster than you could say ‘moonwalk’, and the latest one comes from Illinois Senator and Democratic candidate Barack Obama. To rival democrat Hillary Clinton’s great dismay, Obama has hired famous singer, dancer, and child-home fund-raiser Michael Jackson as his campaign manager for the 2009 elections.
Obama firmly believes that MJ works as “a great package, since he is a black, a white, a man, and a woman, all at the same time, not to mention his equal lack of knowledge about Republicans and Democrats.” Renowned BPO expert and Narayanmurthy-for-President Society volunteer Thomas Friedman agreed that “America couldn’t have had a better role model for the freedom of gender choice, racial expression and which fairness cream to apply.” Visibly excited over his masterstroke, Obama further explained – “In such a high-pressure campaign, you do need a stress-buster or two at times. In my free time, especially during the Youtube Debates, I will write poetry for MJ’s next album.”
Meanwhile, seeing Lady Clinton’s fast sinking fortunes, Bill Clinton made an urgent call to UNO and announced his availability for the next-leg of UN AIDS Awareness Program. “At least there is a chance there…”, mumbled Bill before walking away.
For his part, Michael Jackson thanked Obama for choosing him over Paris Hilton, and conveyed his full undivided faith in the young contender by saying – “I love him. He is such a kid!”
Nashville. 10 February 2008.
In what appears to be another case of ‘Cosmic (In)justice’, after last year’s tragic death of Big-Bang theorist Russell Arnold who died when a falling meteor hit him, Oscar winner and Presidential runner-up Al Gore’s lawn, house and hometown were hit by heavy snowstorms late last night. Soon after, Al Gore, a keen activist and power-point presenter, admitted to “going overboard with Global Warming slide-show” and promised to return his double bonanza of Oscar Award and Nobel Prize “before the next big snowstorm.”
Experts from all over the world were already up in arms against Al Gore and fellow Nobel winner RK Pachauri’s ‘the planet is boiling’ hooters and yesterday’s snowstorm has sent joy waves across the scientific community. 81 year old Prof. Jerry Goldblum of the Department of Weather Changes, University of Cincinnati, believes that “finally, the G-W bubble has burst in Gore’s f****** face!”
Later, in a hastily arranged press briefing on what used to be his lawn, Al Gore apologized to the millions of people, who after listening to his “scary lectures, have given up petrol-cars, smoking or sex to save this beautiful planet.” Standing by his side in this hour of pain and realization, IPCC Chief RK Pachauri said – “I guess there were some minor calculation errors on our part which led to this confusion. From my preliminary observation it is clear that our planet is actually going through a Global Cooling, and Gorey will come up with a new slide presentation for that very soon.”
Meanwhile, till the last reports were paged, Al Gore’s pet dog Georgie couldn’t be spotted and is feared to be swept away by this latest round of Global Cooling.
New Delhi. 9th February.
In a candid revelation to CBS News’ popular prime-time show CBS 60-minutes, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh sent shock-waves across the world by admitting that “There never was any Nuclear deal, or even the faintest talks of it in real sense, with America. It was just an in-parliament joke started by Congress-chief Sonia Gandhi, who jumbled up America, KFC, bird-flu, and H5N1 (virus) to accidentally ask – ‘Is America supplying us N-virus?’”
The rest, as Singh says, is history with a little bit of diplomacy, media-frenzy, left-wing politics and Indian congress’ jest thrown in. Almost choking with laughter and nostalgia, Manmohan Singh said – “We initially enjoyed the media-hype it generated; and even the tug-of-war with Left front was great, except that we were pulling a non-existent rope there.” On being asked that how did they buy American-side into this farce and Singh winks playfully, adding – “We were never needed to! George Bush just believed what was being printed in the Indian newspapers.”
Reacting strongly to Manmohan Singh’s bombshell, George Bush told the world media to “Take light!”, as he always knew that he was “being taken on a punctured-pony ride” and hence, he never signed any document as ‘George Bush’. “I mis-spelled it as Goerge Bush, deliberately”, American President emphasized.
Meanwhile, the Indian left front was quick to condemn this “latest act of betrayal” by their UPA allies, and immediately called for a “Bandh in West Bengal, Kerala and China Bazaars all over India.”
Unidentified location. 7th February.
India’s reigning tennis sensation and aspiring super-model, Sania Mirza today expressed shock and awe at not receiving any fresh Fatwas from any of the fundamentalist organizations, after her potentially enraging boycott of Bangalore Open to be held, probably, in Bangalore.
“I didn’t expect this. It’s slightly disappointing…” admitted Sania, camped in a secret location wearing a secret costume and speaking in whispers. She continued – “A time comes in your life when you expect to open the daily newspaper and be thrilled to find the news about a new Fatwa issued against you. And trust me…it’s addictive!”
Though the authorities have promised to look into the matter, Hyderabad Police Commissioner Y.K. Reddy didn’t deny the possibility of a “Mis-Fatwa“, meaning, a Fatwa originally meant for Sania is accidentally issued to somebody else, “say, Taslima Nasreen!” Incidentally, the leading Fatwa issuing outfit, Goonj-E-Pairahan*, accepted that the work-load has been too killing last few weeks, and some Fatwas have been misplaced, delayed, mis-spelled or even Mis-Fatwaed too. “But then, we are doing our best”, emphasizes the unnamed person at the G-E-C headquarters.
Meanwhile the Bangalore Open organizers have convinced Leander Paes to fill in for the spot left vacant by Sania Mirza’s sudden decision. Checking his new white skirt and top, Paes confirmed that he is doing it – “only for Sania.”
*Pairahan = Cloth
Mumbai. 6 February 2008.
Amidst conflicting reports of ‘Aishwarya looking pregnant’ and ‘Aishwarya looking leaner’, Bollywood’s first family decided to make their long-awaited trip to Planet Mars for the all-important Nava-Griha Pooja. As reported constantly, Bachchan family has bypassed more than 1000 temple darshan queues and consumed more than 2000 Kilos of prasaadam in a bid to overpower Aishwarya’s plastic smile and steely Mangal.
The family, Amitabh, Jaya, Abhishek, Aishwarya, and Amar, will fly in a specially designed spaceship (designed by the brilliant Akhilesh Yadav, Mulayam Singh Yadav’s son) sometime in the summers of 2008, sources revealed. Though an official confirmation by the family spokesperson Amar Singh is yet awaited, the charming friend of Big B didn’t leave much to speculation when he was seen shopping for extra-large-sized hot-pants and leather-ganjis in friend-philosopher-financer Anil Ambani’s newly opened ‘Reliance Spaced Out Fresh’ outlets.
NASA experts and tarot card readers also agree that the best time to visit Mars is between June and September, as then, the planet is in a “good mood”. Although sources close to the family have denied that the visit is a knee-jerk reaction to Raj Thakarey’s demands of ‘North Indians Leave Mumbai’, Thakarey supporters are not far behind in asking – ‘Why there are no Marathis on board?’
In a related development, Bachchan’s professional heir Shahrukh Khan has started preparing for a similar flight to Mars. As part of a joint-venture with Balaji’s Ekta Kapoor, SRK is expected to host Bollywood’s first ‘Truly Universal Film Awards’ (TUFA), the first ever Bollywood awards function to be held at a venue outside Planet Earth. According to a closely-held-secret, the King of Hindi Cinema will not only host TUFA, but will also dance to his recent numbers and win the best actor award too.