Tag Archives: Satire

Ayodhya Verdict Leaked: Land To Go To IIPM

Leaked vision for tomorrow

Allahabad. 22 September 2010.

In a shocking leak, apparently carried out by underpaid clerks of Allahabad high court, the much-awaited verdict in Babri Masjid land-title case declared Indian Institute of Planning and Management (IIPM) to be the rightful owners of the property. “IIPM owned the land much before Mughals invaded India, forget Britishers”, reads the powerful text accompanying the verdict given by 3-member High Court bench in Allahabad. “IIPM’s legacy goes  back to the days of Nalanda-Taxila, and we have banner-ads to prove that even in the days of Chandragupta Maurya, Kings used to send their illegitimate children to IIPM Universities”, the court noted as an aside.

The design of proposed IIPM structure at Ayodhya

Professor Arindam Chaudhury, the founder, speaker and transformational leader at IIPM called the verdict “a fitting reply to the detractors of IIPM, including UGC” and said “a new fugly structure, preceded by fugly newspaper ads, will soon come up at the site, handing out European-countryside-attested MBA degrees to Indian-countryside-kids”.

With this, the 300-year long dispute over Ayodhya – a rare small-town in UP with more cows than Mayawati statues – has come to a symbolic end. Hindu-Muslim issues expert Mannu Raza noted: “I know not many would be happy with this verdict. Especially the TV commentators who love the smell of froth coming out of their mouth. But then, this could have been worse. The land could have been given to Suresh Kalmadi for the next CWG!”

Celebrity-on-call Mahesh Bhatt, though, seemed elated by the verdict. “I have been saying for long that a Sulabh Shauchalaya or a Disneyland kind of structure would be a nice middle ground where people of all religions visited. It turns out they found a good mix of Sulabh Shauchalaya and Disneyland in IIPM”, Bhatt said.

Extremists and skeptics on either side, meanwhile, had a hard day following the leak. “For the last 1-month, I have been stocking-up Maggi, thinking there will be a siege and we will burn all the shops down . Now tell me, what the fuck should I do with all this Maggi?”, was the poignant question by Chunnu in Lucknow.

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Journo Bites Dog To File ‘Journo Bites Dog’ Story

Graphic representation, original image too un-PETA. (Image Courtesy: Vague)

Indore. 05 May 2010.

In a landmark moment for journalists’ brotherhood around the world, Tirlochan Singh, a cub-reporter with a city newspaper ‘Jaago’, today bit a sleeping street dog to get his mandatory ‘man bites dog’ story of the day. ‘Jaago’ cameraman Abhay Shinde was present to capture the poignant scene for posterity.

Speaking to fellow print journalists, Tirlochan Singh later confessed that he is “an accidental hero” here. “These TV news reporters have muddied the news market. Nobody wants to entertain us as we don’t have a video camera, nor do we shout when we speak. So, it was in this frustrated state of mind, my eyes fell on this sleeping dog. I knew what I wanted to do”, Tirlochan adds matter-of-factly. Victim street dog Bittu was unavailable for comments, while unconfirmed reports suggest that a prominent TV news channel has kidnapped it for an in-depth story.

No dog can sleep like a dog now (Image courtesy: Primco.org, David Primmer)

Though ‘Jaago’ Managing Editor Shankar Sharma was all praise for Tirlochan’s innovative reporting tactics, he wished “Tirlochan had chosen a better looking dog to bite, and perhaps in a more upmarket area of the city”, since “Jaago” has more readership uptown. “Why would people in IAS Colony care about a dog being bitten in Kamla Nehru Nagar?”, Sharma added grimly, before cheering up again and hoping “it’s the beginning of a new age. Dogs are waiting to be bitten!”

Meanwhile, local train motormen strike ended in Mumbai last night, leaving millions of Mumbaikars no choice but to get on with their screwed-up lives.

(Idea Courtesy: Man Bites Dog group on FB, for the subconscious tick.)

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Filed under Media