Monthly Archives: June 2010

Bhopal GoM Concludes Rajiv Loved Mango Shakes and Arjun Should Get Compensation

Kwality conscious

New Delhi. 20 June 2010.

Finalising its conclusions on Bhopal gas leak, the reconstituted GoM today said that “Rajiv Gandhi loved milk shakes with mangoes. In fact, he was just crazy about them.”

Cabinet Home Minister and GoM member Mr. P. Chidambaram said “Even Arjun Singh, who was the CM at the time of the fatal leak agrees that our ex-PM Shri Rajiv Gandhi simply loved crushed mangoes shaken in an electric mixer with cold milk.” With this, experts and TV news hosts agree, the 26-year long wait for some kind of closure for Bhopal victims has ended.

Warren Anderson, Circa 1984

The GoM submitted a detailed report, with three major big-impact sub-conclusions. First, that on the day of the gas leak Arjun Singh was the CM and hence he should be given due compensation for facing the trauma of the day. Second, Warren Anderson’s escape could be blamed on the national carrier Air India. “Had they been on strike, like many other days of the year 1984 and on, Anderson would have been around for a long time”, said GoM wild card member Suresh Nambiar.

The third conclusion, the most far-reaching one is to constitute another GoM to reach the third conclusion.

Indore, 10:30 am. This banner consumed 34 kgs. of burfi (Image Courtesy: Telegraph India)

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi’s banners and posters nationwide miraculously started accepting and consuming sweets on the congress leader’s 40th birthday. Congress spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi could not be reached for an explanation.

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(Third conclusion courtesy: @madversity on twitter)

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Centre Moves To End Manipur Blockade, Wherever Manipur Is

Official India Map: New Delhi Version (Click your fingers to enlarge.)

New Delhi. 15 June 2010.

Moving swiftly after two months, the UPA Central Government today announced concrete steps to end Manipur highway blockade, “wherever Manipur is”. Speaking with a firm grip on the microphone, and a burning determination in his left eye, Union Secretary KG Pillai said, “We have zeroed down on the area. The troops will be moving soon to the North-Eastern part of India and I will let you know as soon as they find Manipur. I am sure we can do that.”

Just kidding

Explaining the slight delay in reacting to the situation, NH-39 and NH-53 have been blocked by Naga groups for 2 months now, Cabinet Home Minister P. Chidambram said: “I would have reacted a couple of weeks earlier, but Arjun Singh hacked my twitter account. So I had no idea that #manipurblockade is a popular hash-tag.” He added with a decisive tap on his spectacles, “You can blame Arjun Singh for this too.”

Meanwhile, Digvijay Singh clarified his oblique “Rajiv Gandhi is guilty for Bhopal” remark today by saying “Hey look! World cup has started.”

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World Awed As Apple Launches Something Good-looking

Found in a bar (Pic Courtesy: matthewktabor.com)

San Fransisco. 07 June 2010.

In a much anticipated and fanatically followed ceremony, Apple CEO Steve Jobs launched something very sleek, good looking, and fantastically white. Technology website reporters, business journalists, bored-but-there executives, over-informed teenagers, and clueless passers-by waited for hours, not because Jobs was late but, to feel good about themselves, as the keynote started.

“Stop me, if you have already seen this”, he started his speech with, and had to contend with raised hands, mostly from Gizmodo subscribers, every few seconds. He then apologized and changed his first line to, “Stop me if you really think you can get alive out of here after doing so”, which resulted in putting the focus back on the good looking thing he was unveiling. The 90-minute mindfuckingly unbelievable presentation showed the good-looking thing in various good-looking angles with Steve Jobs’ good-sounding voice-over explaining the good looks.

Hypenating good-looking

Sandman Hurst, 36, the leading tech expert for a very big tech magazine in a very big country live-blogged enthusiastically, calling the launch “one of the most awaited days” of his life. Hurst would have added more but then he had to get back to his job and “work my ass-off at my blood sucking company so that I could buy the good looking thing sometime in the coming decade.”

Youngsters from around the world held their breath before, and hugged each other after, the launch, to claim that they belonged. “I can’t tell you how thrilled I am. I didn’t sleep for the last 2 weeks – I don’t know why – but it all seems worth it now!”, said Neil Simon, 22.

If Apple insiders are to be believed, the company is working on a new-range of somethings to be launched sometime soon, if not sometime later.

Meanwhile in India, 1984’s Bhopal Gas Tragedy case verdict is out, giving TV news channels another much-needed opportunity to call panel discussions where everybody is agreeing with the anchor.

(Idea Courtesy: Onion’s ‘Something Happened Somewhere’ video story)

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