Obama, Mamta and Advani Star in 2009 Summer Releases

Mumbai/ Los Angeles. 23 June 2009.

Hollywood and Bollywood’s 2009 Summer looks hotter than ever with some of the most entertaining and daring superstars coming together for some of the most awaited releases of the year. Here’s the list:

1. Good Reason Hunting: A BJP-RSS co-production, starring yesteryear superstars LK Advani and Rajnath Singh, with Varun Gandhi, Arun Jaitley, Venkaiah Naidu and Sudheendra Kulkarni in supporting roles.

2. Gulaal-Garh: An Indo-China Co-Production, this one is the much-awaited sequel to ‘The Thin Red Line For Thick-Skinned Oldies’.

3. Dare You Fly Over Cuckoo’s Nest: The debut venture of mild-man Obama, this one is an action thriller with some spine-chilling stunts and a blink-and-miss appearance by a house fly.

Thums Up Runs Out Of High-Rises To Make Akshay Kumar Jump From

Mid-Jump Crisis

North Korea. 20 June 2009.

India’s original bubbly, recently made famous by Dev D as a vodka-accompaniment, Thums-Up is facing tough times ahead. Already ridden with a vague, almost embarrassing punchline ( ‘Taste The Thunder’ ) and a step-motherly treatment by single-parent-company Coke ( “Amir and Hrithik for Coke and Akshay Kumar and Yuvika Chaudhury for us”, says a source ), Thums-Up is up against a road-block too high to cross.

“We have made Akki jump from Mexican-Motels, Indonesian Row-houses, badly designed Indian ‘buildings’, Manhattan skyscrapers, air-planes, balloons, helicopters, and even an African light-house with no light…but now, we have run out of options”, says Shibendu Ghosh of Main-Kaun-Eric-Ka-Son?, the agency holding Thums-Up’s ad-account. “This time we had a new-concept” says Shibendu excitedly. “He would jump carrying a Thums-Up…but no bottle-opener. So he lands in a bottle-opener factory…rugged machinery, hanging chains, very-animalistic…and he makes a dash for the newly minted silver opener…you know, crosses those obstacles, fights inner demons. And no, he doesn’t open it yet. He climbs whatever-is-worth-climbing and then jumps again. This time with Thums-Up AND the opener…but”, adds Shibendu sadly, “if only we had a place he has not jumped from already.”

Saabun Ho Toh Aisa

Ad-industry veterans could only sympathize with Thums-Up’s dilemma as the problem seems to be widespread. Prasoon Dubey, from rival agency O’Rizvi and Mahinder says – “What do we do. Life Insurance companies want new euphemisms for “You are fucking going to die soon” and the best we have come up till now is ‘Jeete Raho’. And look at soap ads. How different you can be? I mean, it’s the same bathroom, same stupid piece of soap, same Kareena and even same fucking transparent water. We can’t have her jumping off a plane and bathing. That can only be done with Cola and Potato Chips. And may be sanitary napkins too.”

Rediff Message Board Gets Its First-Ever Decent Comment In 10 Years

Caution: Strong language. Could be offensive to highly sensitive or diabetes patients. Clicking photographs is prohibited.

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Too Much To Handle

Mumbai. 18 June 2009.

Unbelievable, and many experts still say it’s a hoax, but Rediff.Com message board has finally registered a single decent comment after more than 50 Lakh comments being posted in the last 10-years of operations.

The comment in question was posted on Rediff’s latest story about Indian stock market and was the first-ever in rediff’s history which didn’t use the words ‘fuck’, ‘sex’, ‘shit’, or any other Indian language expletives (including the dubious and oft-repeated ones like ‘bhasmasur trmk’), neither it contained any overt or covert prejudices based on gender, caste, religion, nation, proximity to a river, zoo or jungle, body structure, eating habits, Saurav Ganguly, SRK or Anurag Kashyap camps, or previous comment maker’s knowledge of English, Hindi or Tamil.

The path-breaking comment was made by someone called “Crazy_doll_125_Ludhiana_Idli” and the golden decent words were – “Hi”. Rediff message boards are still grappling with this new unexpected development and many follow-up comments have resorted to strongly abusing  ‘crazy_doll…’ for trying to vilify the atmosphere. Some, like ‘Jat_Boyy_Hot’ feel that “krazy doll niid me bedly” while another regular visitor ‘C K V’ blames “b***rd ludhiana doll” for trying to “abuse South Indians by using idli as an internet-surname.” CKV then goes on to discuss the whole Dravidian history and how Aryans invaded the real India, triggering a fight-back by login names like ‘History_Prof’, ‘Aryan_Bodybuilder’ and ‘GOFUKCMALLU’.

Heated discussions were reported from Rediff’s other message boards too, notably from the thread discussing Indian team’s exit from WC T-20. One longish message by ‘Dhoni_Fan_536’ claimed to know the origins of ‘thees ludhiana dolls…they are all Paki prrostitutues’s…and they gain entry in indiana site’s lyke rediff b looking cute….saying hi…then abyu’se ower site’s, ower country’s, ower player’s…kargil is still fresh in our woond’s…musharaf b***dr, a*** crazy_doll…I kill you.”

Meanwhile, comment moderators and editors at Rediff are still debating whether to retain the ‘decent’ comment or start another fire by removing it.

Mayawati Wakes Up As A Statue

Real Behen ji...Please Stand-up (Pic courtesy: Guardian.co.uk)

Lucknow. 16 June 2009.

Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister (Behen Kumari) Mayawati today woke up as a Marble-mixed-P.O.P. statue at her Golf Club Road bungalow. Doctors and State Parks and Statues Minister Santram Srivastava were immediately rushed to the site of Mayawati’s now-statued posture. Initial reports suggest that Mayawati’s stiffened posture resembles Britney Spears’ famous ‘Gimme More’ pose with one hand on an imaginary microphone and another on her pelvis. Though some other reports are suggesting a more nuanced and sophisticated Gabbar Singh pose from Sholay, as if asking ‘Kitne statue they?’

Incidentally, her last words the night before her marblization were – “Enough with my statues! I don’t want to look self-important anymore. Let’s build a 200-ft statue of my leather bag.”  Dr. Sudhir Verma, Sr. Psychiatrist at city’s Dr. Shyamaprasad Mukherjee Municipal Hospital pointed that “obsession turning into reality can’t be denied. Though she may be acting as a ‘naatakbaaz’ here to get more attention.”

That faraway look

Meanwhile, State Marble and Plaster of Paris Supplies Minister Ashok Kumar has checked and confirmed that the “quality of material in Behenji’s new avatar is good enough to be installed as a statue in the state capital.  If only Behenji could speak up and tell, where to install!”

China Bans Public Urinals To Avoid Social Networking

History leaks into future

Undisclosed Location. 13 June 2009.

Chinese Government, after banning You Tube, Flickr, and Twitter, has now taken ‘concrete’ steps to outlaw social networking as it existed in its most primitive form by putting an immediate ban on Public Urinals. A government website, accessible only to government officials still alive and not urinating publicly, today announced the latest development by sending a tweet, G-talk message, mail, SMS, audible shout to other government officials in other states. A mandarin from the Ministry of Health and Restrictions later confirmed that “all the public urinals will be shut down and dynamited with immediate effect. Social networking, especially when done while a liquid sensation is running through one’s body could be potentially harmful to the People’s Republic’s Republicity.”

A team of scientists, working directly under the Ministry of Science and Restrictions, has already got cracking at designing a single-use ‘Public Urinal Booth’ (PUB) – something which only one person can use on as-is-where-is-whatever-is basis. Such PUBs, adds a scientist, will “make sure that people mind their own business” while peeing. Another scientist, visibly excited with the new development, added – ‘We don’t mind a few bladder-bursts in the meantime. But we will make sure to come up with a single-use Urinal that keeps our sovereignty ahead of our loo-needs.’

Hu Scru Us?

Meanwhile, after the latest round of threats by officials to get Google banned in China, Google has shot back by threatening to remove the word “China” from its search engine.

Freida Pinto Giggles At 12:34 PM

The giggle that shook the world

Los Angeles. 9 June 2009.

Freida Pinto, the phenomenal Latika from Danny Boyle’s seminal ‘Slumdog Millionaire’, today giggled at 12:34 p.m. on 23rd and 5th square of downtown LA. Reports suggest that it’s the first time in the history of Hollywood that a foreign-born Golden Globe Winner has giggled at that combination of time and location. In fact, Steven Spielberg was so impressed with the new development that he immediately signed Ms. Pinto for a leading role in his forthcoming flick ‘Jurassocaust’, the story of a dinosaur caught in a Nazi concentration camp during World War 2.

'Brinjal-Dena'

Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie dismissed Freida Pinto as a ‘media hype’ in a private SMS she sent to Brad Pitt. Sources confirmed that Brad Pitt SMSed Angie back saying – “Let’s stay pure. Adopt Rubina?”

Closer home, in Mumbai, Multiplex-Producer rift and Bollywood strike finally ended with both sides unable to find a single point of difference even after two months. “Since we can’t disagree. Let’s agree…”, said Producers’ representative Mukesh Bhatt.

Pratibha Patil Forgets She Is The President

I know who you are. Tell me who I am?

New Delhi. 6 June 2009.

President Pratibha Patil, probably due to lack of media attention or too much cricket, today forgot that she herself is the President of India. Addressing the joint session of newly constituted parliament, she started her lecture by saying – “Our dear President APJ Abdul Kalam is on his way, and till then, I have been instructed to hold the stage and indulge you.” When Lok Sabha speaker Meira Kumar gently reminded her that she herself is the President, Pratibha Patil smiled and said – “Nice joke.”

It took an assorted team of psychiatrists, news anchors, and ghost-mediums another 4-hours to convince her that she was ‘selected’ for the coveted post a couple of years ago. It was only after she was shown recorded footage of her swearing-in ceremony followed by an episode of Rakhi Sawant’s swayamvar did she believe that anything can happen in India.

Co-incidentally, out of 800-members of the two houses of parliament, at least 70 percent too didn’t know who this lady was. A tired looking first-time MP later confessed – “I am never attending President’s address again. This lady, she spoke for two hours and didn’t even sell anything in the end. And where was the President?” Another MP, a veteran, was more excited – “Was she…ohh…was she Pratibha Patil ji? Ohh…I should have looked up from my Mayapuri. They never show her on TV. I thought she was just a hoax…a real rubber-stamp!”

Aussies Counter Charges of Bias Against Indians By Attacking Other Communities

Tradition vs Morals

Melbourne. 2 June 2009.

In a clear and strong rebuttal to charges of bias and prejudice against Indian students, Australian right-wingers today attacked students from other countries and communities too. In three separate incidents, twenty Sri Lankan, five Italian, and fourteen Nagorno-Karabakh Republic students were attacked and later made to sign a document stating “We were attacked randomly. Our nationalities, race, creed or sex were not asked before or after the attacks. And yes, we are not Indians.”

Later in the day, at least 10,000 Australian nationals paraded the streets to take out a ‘Protest March’ against Indian media and students for defaming “Great Australian Virtue of Fighting, Attacking, and Molesting Without Reason”. Three Australians also died following a beer-brawl during the protest march, further emphasizing the point they were making.

Explaining the huge public backlash over the Indian allegations, Dr. Smith Jones, Professor in Australian Culture and History at Fosters  Central University, said – “Listen mate…we are sensitive people. We believe in the moment; the spontaneity of love and a good fight excites us. It’s almost blasphemous to insinuate that we check nationalities before attacking. I am sure some Physicists or Chaos Theory experts may be able to explain why Indians are being attacked more….but the truth is, we are just trying to preserve a thousand year long tradition.”

Jim and Steve

Australian authorities, meanwhile, have responded to Indian government’s official call to ‘protect Indian students’, by pulling out their Water-Polo Team from ‘Sweety Supari International Water Polo Meet’ to be held in New Delhi, next week. “Let’s not protect each other. Let’s not visit each other”, was the curt SMS sent by Auutralian Foreign Secretary, Mills Boon, to Indian Secratariat.