Baba Ramdev Uses Yoga To Give Birth To A Child

Just an excuse to touch you, boy

Rishikesh. 10 July 2009.

Patanjali exponent, Yoga logarithm, social-advocate and health-expert Baba Ramdev today gave birth to a healthy chubby child using ancient Yoga techniques and his powers of convincing. The delivery was natural and Baba’s meru-dand straight before and after the 27-second long procedure.

As reported earlier, Rishikesh-based Baba Ramdev became pregnant using a secret form of Yoga, the same form which could cure the homosexuals and convert cows into CIA agents. The month-long pregnancy invited curious visitors from across the world including the missing brain of MJ, and Chinese Premier Hu hu cancelled his G-8 summit with the non-chinese world to be by Baba’s side in his moment of fruition.

Baba’s spokesperson, a Yoga-driven I-BOT addressed the media soon after the delivery, and said with a smile – “Yoga can solve Lagrange’s equation too. If only somebody could make the equation sit straight!” Though the speculations are rife as to what this new-born Yoga-Baby could achieve in the years to come, Rakhi Sawant has invited the baby to be a part of her  ‘swayamvar’ show. “I think jab maine iss baby ko dekha…I fell in…spiritual love. And I like pyoorrety. Pyoore peapal, pyoore emotion”, Rakhi said with a genuine twinkle in her eyes.

Union Budget Successfully Confuses Millions In India

Koi Goodluck Nikaalein...Aaj Gullak Toh Fodein

New Delhi. 7 July 2009.

Living up to high expectations from the market and riding on a heavy mandate to the UPA government in the recently held Lok Sabha polls, Indian Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee presented a confidently confusing budget, surpassing the half-measured confused-ness of previous few budgets and equaling the legendary ambiguity of budgets of the 80’s. Loaded with genuinely confusing and at times contradictory terms like exemptions, subsidies, holidays, deficits, slabs, excise, cess, Rajiv, surcharge, Indira, Vikas, and infrastructure – Pranab Mukherjee was able to restore the lost glory of baffling budget-speeches in a short duration of 3 hours.

Bhanu Shah, a mid-level banker and stock-market expert in Mumbai, hailed the budget for its “zero focus on real problems and infrastructure, and still making it all sound so good and big.” Suresh Mahajan, a top-executive with FICII (Federation Instead of Confederation of Indian Industries) rated the “imaginative budget  10 i out of 10, i being the imaginary number, square root of minus one.” Further explaining his joy, Suresh Mahajan said – “Look…budgets are basically study in jargons…how to balance your jargon! You balance a subsidy with cess, holiday with surcharge and jewelry excise with cigarette sales. And the more imaginative you are, the more esoteric your balancing will be. Pranab Da is a pro!”

Rushing home for the budget speech

Though India Inc. is still not out with a clear verdict, experts believe that even that’s a huge indication that how monumentally confusing this budget has been. “We were sitting here, holding our wine glasses, hoping for a speech ripe with numbers, figures, terms, even new kinds of taxes…anything that doesn’t make sense at all, and he exceeded our expectations. I mean, right from the first sentence where he said “physical” and meant “fiscal” – he was on the ball”, said Aditya Birla Group’s COO Coolraaj Chibbar.

Though some quarters were disappointed with “seemingly straightforward, non-confusing measures like increasing the tax-exmeption limit for women”, Delhi-based Financial Expert GK Swamy believes “these are minor aberrations in an otherwise grandly hollow budget. Let’s not deny a credit where it’s due.”

Suhasini Verma, a housewife in Bhopal, has the final word on UPA-II government’s first budget. “His smile is better than that Chidumram’s (sic)…very sweet Bangali smile. But I don’t understand Bangali naa…so didn’t get a word of what he was saying.”

Roger Federer Caught On Camera Drinking Engine Oil

Needs of Speed

London. 6 July 2009.

In a sensational yet poignant moment, accidentally caught on camera, 15-time Grand Slam winner and 10-time French Open loser, Roger Federer was seen drinking 4-stroke Engine Oil (Castrol) hiding behind a crew person during the shoot of a TV commercial. Though the Castrol Executive Producers are relieved that he was not “sipping” on their “rival Mobil’s Engine Oil, which, for a fact, has more carbon” behind their back, Federer’s family and friends are devastated by the news.

The surreal moment came during the second hour of the shoot, where Roger was supposed to “shove the bottle in viewer’s face” and say aloud, with a grin, “As smooth as my serve, even in France!” But as it turned out, the ‘greatest tennis player ever’ was missing from the shot at the exact moment, un-bottling the 4-stroke Oil, hiding behind a crew member in a corner.

Though Fed-ex, as lovingly called by fans, is yet to comment on this Vatican-classified ‘unnatural act’ of his, video evidence points to a case of serious addiction.  Renowned London Psychiatrist Keith Handleburn, after seeing the top-secret video, commented that, “the passionate big sip, quick gulp, and hurried actions almost confirm that he has been at it for years, if not decades. And that too in such London rains!”

Nector That Gives Vector

Though the International tennis community is still in shock at the revelations, players like Rafael Nadal and Andy Roddick have started asking questions. “I know this explains a lot of things, like why he rarely smiled or got angry, ” said Andy Roddick. “In fact, I remember during our 16-14 last set at Wimbledon yesterday, he kept greasing his palms rather than wiping them”, the American added with a hint of astonishment.

Federer’s long-time rival, Spaniard Rafael Nadal though had a greater worry. “I have been told that drinking such things leads to a memory loss. And who knows then, he might want to play all his  matches, all his career, all over again. Another 15 Grand Slams!”, shuddered Nadal.

HRD Ministry To Scrap HRD Ministry To Reinvent Education

Coupling The Lost Siblings

New Delhi. 1 July 2009.

After proposing to scrap UGC and AICTE, HRD ministry has gone one step further and proposed to scrap itself, in its “honest bid to reinvent and rejuvenate education in India”. Speaking at a Press Conference originally convened to showcase HRD Minister Kapil Sibal’s new six-pack, Education Secretary Jaideep Mishra abruptly announced the radical step.

“The system is redundant, obsolete, old, dead, and redundant. We need fresh ideas. That’s why UGC must go, AICTE must go, and why not, HRD Ministry must go”, Mishra thundered. Kapil Sibal seconded his secretary with an emphatic nod and added – “Here is a poem I have written on the issue:

Ba Ba Black Sheep,

Did U a Gee(!) See?

Yes sir yes sir,

It’s As I See Tea, Eeeeee!!

One is for slurping,

One should go to hell,

and whatever is left there of,

leaves a very bad smell!

So you see – UGC, AICTE, and our ministry, we all are abstract. Let’s unburden the system!”

Looking into a brighter future

Though Sibal refused to comment on what or who will replace the ministry, Right Wing MPs saw a “Bangladeshi or Pakistani hand” while Left-wingers saw an “American or WW2 allied forces hand” in the way things have turned out.

Meanwhile, bringing more relief to traumatized Class X board students, Sibal later announced that “Class Tenth will be called LKG (Lower Kindergarten) from the coming academic session to lower the burden of expectations the students face from teachers, parents, peers and communal parties.”

Obama, Mamta and Advani Star in 2009 Summer Releases

Mumbai/ Los Angeles. 23 June 2009.

Hollywood and Bollywood’s 2009 Summer looks hotter than ever with some of the most entertaining and daring superstars coming together for some of the most awaited releases of the year. Here’s the list:

1. Good Reason Hunting: A BJP-RSS co-production, starring yesteryear superstars LK Advani and Rajnath Singh, with Varun Gandhi, Arun Jaitley, Venkaiah Naidu and Sudheendra Kulkarni in supporting roles.

2. Gulaal-Garh: An Indo-China Co-Production, this one is the much-awaited sequel to ‘The Thin Red Line For Thick-Skinned Oldies’.

3. Dare You Fly Over Cuckoo’s Nest: The debut venture of mild-man Obama, this one is an action thriller with some spine-chilling stunts and a blink-and-miss appearance by a house fly.

Thums Up Runs Out Of High-Rises To Make Akshay Kumar Jump From

Mid-Jump Crisis

North Korea. 20 June 2009.

India’s original bubbly, recently made famous by Dev D as a vodka-accompaniment, Thums-Up is facing tough times ahead. Already ridden with a vague, almost embarrassing punchline ( ‘Taste The Thunder’ ) and a step-motherly treatment by single-parent-company Coke ( “Amir and Hrithik for Coke and Akshay Kumar and Yuvika Chaudhury for us”, says a source ), Thums-Up is up against a road-block too high to cross.

“We have made Akki jump from Mexican-Motels, Indonesian Row-houses, badly designed Indian ‘buildings’, Manhattan skyscrapers, air-planes, balloons, helicopters, and even an African light-house with no light…but now, we have run out of options”, says Shibendu Ghosh of Main-Kaun-Eric-Ka-Son?, the agency holding Thums-Up’s ad-account. “This time we had a new-concept” says Shibendu excitedly. “He would jump carrying a Thums-Up…but no bottle-opener. So he lands in a bottle-opener factory…rugged machinery, hanging chains, very-animalistic…and he makes a dash for the newly minted silver opener…you know, crosses those obstacles, fights inner demons. And no, he doesn’t open it yet. He climbs whatever-is-worth-climbing and then jumps again. This time with Thums-Up AND the opener…but”, adds Shibendu sadly, “if only we had a place he has not jumped from already.”

Saabun Ho Toh Aisa

Ad-industry veterans could only sympathize with Thums-Up’s dilemma as the problem seems to be widespread. Prasoon Dubey, from rival agency O’Rizvi and Mahinder says – “What do we do. Life Insurance companies want new euphemisms for “You are fucking going to die soon” and the best we have come up till now is ‘Jeete Raho’. And look at soap ads. How different you can be? I mean, it’s the same bathroom, same stupid piece of soap, same Kareena and even same fucking transparent water. We can’t have her jumping off a plane and bathing. That can only be done with Cola and Potato Chips. And may be sanitary napkins too.”

Rediff Message Board Gets Its First-Ever Decent Comment In 10 Years

Caution: Strong language. Could be offensive to highly sensitive or diabetes patients. Clicking photographs is prohibited.

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Too Much To Handle

Mumbai. 18 June 2009.

Unbelievable, and many experts still say it’s a hoax, but Rediff.Com message board has finally registered a single decent comment after more than 50 Lakh comments being posted in the last 10-years of operations.

The comment in question was posted on Rediff’s latest story about Indian stock market and was the first-ever in rediff’s history which didn’t use the words ‘fuck’, ’sex’, ’shit’, or any other Indian language expletives (including the dubious and oft-repeated ones like ‘bhasmasur trmk’), neither it contained any overt or covert prejudices based on gender, caste, religion, nation, proximity to a river, zoo or jungle, body structure, eating habits, Saurav Ganguly, SRK or Anurag Kashyap camps, or previous comment maker’s knowledge of English, Hindi or Tamil.

The path-breaking comment was made by someone called “Crazy_doll_125_Ludhiana_Idli” and the golden decent words were – “Hi”. Rediff message boards are still grappling with this new unexpected development and many follow-up comments have resorted to strongly abusing  ‘crazy_doll…’ for trying to vilify the atmosphere. Some, like ‘Jat_Boyy_Hot’ feel that “krazy doll niid me bedly” while another regular visitor ‘C K V’ blames “b***rd ludhiana doll” for trying to “abuse South Indians by using idli as an internet-surname.” CKV then goes on to discuss the whole Dravidian history and how Aryans invaded the real India, triggering a fight-back by login names like ‘History_Prof’, ‘Aryan_Bodybuilder’ and ‘GOFUKCMALLU’.

Heated discussions were reported from Rediff’s other message boards too, notably from the thread discussing Indian team’s exit from WC T-20. One longish message by ‘Dhoni_Fan_536′ claimed to know the origins of ‘thees ludhiana dolls…they are all Paki prrostitutues’s…and they gain entry in indiana site’s lyke rediff b looking cute….saying hi…then abyu’se ower site’s, ower country’s, ower player’s…kargil is still fresh in our woond’s…musharaf b***dr, a*** crazy_doll…I kill you.”

Meanwhile, comment moderators and editors at Rediff are still debating whether to retain the ‘decent’ comment or start another fire by removing it.

Mayawati Wakes Up As A Statue

Real Behen ji...Please Stand-up (Pic courtesy: Guardian.co.uk)

Lucknow. 16 June 2009.

Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister (Behen Kumari) Mayawati today woke up as a Marble-mixed-P.O.P. statue at her Golf Club Road bungalow. Doctors and State Parks and Statues Minister Santram Srivastava were immediately rushed to the site of Mayawati’s now-statued posture. Initial reports suggest that Mayawati’s stiffened posture resembles Britney Spears’ famous ‘Gimme More’ pose with one hand on an imaginary microphone and another on her pelvis. Though some other reports are suggesting a more nuanced and sophisticated Gabbar Singh pose from Sholay, as if asking ‘Kitne statue they?’

Incidentally, her last words the night before her marblization were – “Enough with my statues! I don’t want to look self-important anymore. Let’s build a 200-ft statue of my leather bag.”  Dr. Sudhir Verma, Sr. Psychiatrist at city’s Dr. Shyamaprasad Mukherjee Municipal Hospital pointed that “obsession turning into reality can’t be denied. Though she may be acting as a ‘naatakbaaz’ here to get more attention.”

That faraway look

Meanwhile, State Marble and Plaster of Paris Supplies Minister Ashok Kumar has checked and confirmed that the “quality of material in Behenji’s new avatar is good enough to be installed as a statue in the state capital.  If only Behenji could speak up and tell, where to install!”

China Bans Public Urinals To Avoid Social Networking

History leaks into future

Undisclosed Location. 13 June 2009.

Chinese Government, after banning You Tube, Flickr, and Twitter, has now taken ‘concrete’ steps to outlaw social networking as it existed in its most primitive form by putting an immediate ban on Public Urinals. A government website, accessible only to government officials still alive and not urinating publicly, today announced the latest development by sending a tweet, G-talk message, mail, SMS, audible shout to other government officials in other states. A mandarin from the Ministry of Health and Restrictions later confirmed that “all the public urinals will be shut down and dynamited with immediate effect. Social networking, especially when done while a liquid sensation is running through one’s body could be potentially harmful to the People’s Republic’s Republicity.”

A team of scientists, working directly under the Ministry of Science and Restrictions, has already got cracking at designing a single-use ‘Public Urinal Booth’ (PUB) – something which only one person can use on as-is-where-is-whatever-is basis. Such PUBs, adds a scientist, will “make sure that people mind their own business” while peeing. Another scientist, visibly excited with the new development, added – ‘We don’t mind a few bladder-bursts in the meantime. But we will make sure to come up with a single-use Urinal that keeps our sovereignty ahead of our loo-needs.’

Hu Scru Us?

Meanwhile, after the latest round of threats by officials to get Google banned in China, Google has shot back by threatening to remove the word “China” from its search engine.

Freida Pinto Giggles At 12:34 PM

The giggle that shook the world

Los Angeles. 9 June 2009.

Freida Pinto, the phenomenal Latika from Danny Boyle’s seminal ‘Slumdog Millionaire’, today giggled at 12:34 p.m. on 23rd and 5th square of downtown LA. Reports suggest that it’s the first time in the history of Hollywood that a foreign-born Golden Globe Winner has giggled at that combination of time and location. In fact, Steven Spielberg was so impressed with the new development that he immediately signed Ms. Pinto for a leading role in his forthcoming flick ‘Jurassocaust’, the story of a dinosaur caught in a Nazi concentration camp during World War 2.

'Brinjal-Dena'

Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie dismissed Freida Pinto as a ‘media hype’ in a private SMS she sent to Brad Pitt. Sources confirmed that Brad Pitt SMSed Angie back saying – “Let’s stay pure. Adopt Rubina?”

Closer home, in Mumbai, Multiplex-Producer rift and Bollywood strike finally ended with both sides unable to find a single point of difference even after two months. “Since we can’t disagree. Let’s agree…”, said Producers’ representative Mukesh Bhatt.