More Rewards: State Government Announces 5% Cash Back On Toll-Tax For Paes-Bhupathi

How much does our selector get out of this?

Mumbai. 04 April 2011.

Keeping up with its generosity towards sporting achievements, Maharashtra State Government has announced cash rewards for Indian tennis-duo of Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi who recently regained their world no. 1 ranking by winning the Miami Open doubles-title. A sports ministry spokesperson announced a “cash back guarantee of 5% on all inter-state toll tax collected from Paes-Bhupathi, on the condition that they are traveling together at the time of toll-tax collection. They of course would need to produce the receipt later to use the benefit.”

Not the one to not take a hint, Indian Tennis Federation also announced special reward of “Kaya Skin Clinic” discount coupons for the winning duo. “It’s a handsome discount of 74% on full-body skin treatment”, said the official release.

Not only this, Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi were greeted by thousands of chanting fans in Mumbai, all the way from the airport to their respective homes in suburbs. Most of them were obviously drunk, lying on the roadsides, and forwarding any SMS that came their way. “Of course they were chanting our names – Mahesh and Leander is Mahender”, said Mahesh Bhupathi.   “As I entered my home, firecrackers were still going up”, said an ecstatic Leander. “Surely it can’t be because of the World Cup win which is already 3-days stale now”, he added hesitantly.

Give me your account numbers, boys! (Photo Courtesy: NDTV.com and AFP)

Meanwhile UPA has announced a cash-reward of Rs. 1-Crore for Rahul Gandhi too, for “being present at the venue and inspiring a win – a rare occasion”.

Hitler Finds Out About The Media Black-out of Radia Tapes

High Court Says Lord Ram Had Moustaches – Orders Changes In Calendars and Arun Govil

Following the court order... (Note: Rented wig. Moustache not to scale.)

Allahabad. 1 October 2010.

In a landmark verdict, Barabanki bench of Allahabad High Court today decreed that Lord Ram had thick, bushy moustaches, and changes be made in Hindu calendar art as well as Arun Govil to reflect the reality. “Lord Ram grew a pencil thin moustache soon after his 19th Birthday, and then, during the 14-year long exile, he went for a make-over resulting in thick moustache so as to mingle with crowds down south”, read the judgement text on the official website of the High Court.

Reacting to the judgement, Arun Govil, the smiling-face actor who played Lord Ram in a hit TV series in the 80’s, said: “I respect the court judgement, but hope I haven’t lost my moustache hormones forever, owing to years of clean-shaving. It would have been great if they had given some verdict on the beard/stubble part too, and got the facial hair issues done with.”

A classic Indian timepass, now a court order. (Image courtesy: Chandan from Indore)

Chandan, a 16-year old High School student in Indore, is ecstatic with the verdict though. “I have been drawing moustaches on the faces on calendars, magazines, newspaper ads ever since I was 4-year old. In fact, I should confess that I love Katrina Kaif with moustaches.”

A majority of tired TV debaters, after a 12-hour shouting match with alternate-view holders, hailed the judgement as ‘worthy of a good debate’. Politicians of both the ruling as well as opposition parties appealed the masses to stay calm, unaffected, and dumb.

Meanwhile, another PIL, asking the court to ascertain the “proper English spellings of Lord Ram’s sons Luv* and Kush, especially Luv*” has been filed by a shopkeeper in Hardoi, Uttar Pradesh. “Is it LOVE or LUV, or LOV?”, asks the PIL.

(Additional Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. Written in good humor. Please don’t break vodka bottles on anybody’s head after reading this. And don’t sue. Please.)

Arundhati Roy Confesses To Inserting ‘Maine Pyar Kiya’ Screenplay In Her Essays To Make Them Look Longer

A common man's impression of Ms. Roy's articles

New Friend’s Colony, New Delhi. 29 September 2010.

In a shocking, heartbreaking confession, Booker-winner and India’s top intellectual entity Arundhati Roy,  today admitted to inserting random lines from Hindi movie scripts in her essays “so that they look long and intimidating”. “I learnt this trick in my history class as a kid. We had a teacher who used to mark our answers by measuring them with a metric scale. So we used to smartly insert film songs, dialogues, etc. in say, an answer to the impacts of WW-I on Indian freedom movement “, said a suitably nostalgic Ms. Roy.

The story broke when Ashok, a bored teenager in Orissa’s Koraput District, happened to stumble upon the words “Aaja shaam hone aayi, mausam ne li angdaayi…” in a passage of Ms. Roy’s latest marathon-article for a reputed National weekly. “I was bored of rediff comment-boards that day”, said Ashok, “And as luck would have it, after spotting these lines as well as the rest of the screenplay of the film in the article, I went back to rediff and posted the whole thing online. lol.”

"I never thought anybody would read them..."

Ms. Roy’s fellow ‘long-essayist’, Arun Shourie defended her rights to use ‘whatever it takes, to make the essay longer’ by writing a very-long essay (a 20-part series) in Indian Express.

Experts believe that this may not be a stray case and we need to go back to all our long speeches, essays, and critiques including Pandit JL Nehru’s ‘Tryst With Destiny’, to find hidden-movie references or chunks. “I remember Mughal-E-Azam scenes in an Indira Gandhi speech to the UN once”, said a Congress insider not willing to be named.

Meanwhile, soon-to-be-married BJP MP Varun Gandhi has threatened to chop the hands off of Baraatis who refuse to dance at his wedding.

Ayodhya Verdict Leaked: Land To Go To IIPM

Leaked vision for tomorrow

Allahabad. 22 September 2010.

In a shocking leak, apparently carried out by underpaid clerks of Allahabad high court, the much-awaited verdict in Babri Masjid land-title case declared Indian Institute of Planning and Management (IIPM) to be the rightful owners of the property. “IIPM owned the land much before Mughals invaded India, forget Britishers”, reads the powerful text accompanying the verdict given by 3-member High Court bench in Allahabad. “IIPM’s legacy goes  back to the days of Nalanda-Taxila, and we have banner-ads to prove that even in the days of Chandragupta Maurya, Kings used to send their illegitimate children to IIPM Universities”, the court noted as an aside.

The design of proposed IIPM structure at Ayodhya

Professor Arindam Chaudhury, the founder, speaker and transformational leader at IIPM called the verdict “a fitting reply to the detractors of IIPM, including UGC” and said “a new fugly structure, preceded by fugly newspaper ads, will soon come up at the site, handing out European-countryside-attested MBA degrees to Indian-countryside-kids”.

With this, the 300-year long dispute over Ayodhya – a rare small-town in UP with more cows than Mayawati statues – has come to a symbolic end. Hindu-Muslim issues expert Mannu Raza noted: “I know not many would be happy with this verdict. Especially the TV commentators who love the smell of froth coming out of their mouth. But then, this could have been worse. The land could have been given to Suresh Kalmadi for the next CWG!”

Celebrity-on-call Mahesh Bhatt, though, seemed elated by the verdict. “I have been saying for long that a Sulabh Shauchalaya or a Disneyland kind of structure would be a nice middle ground where people of all religions visited. It turns out they found a good mix of Sulabh Shauchalaya and Disneyland in IIPM”, Bhatt said.

Extremists and skeptics on either side, meanwhile, had a hard day following the leak. “For the last 1-month, I have been stocking-up Maggi, thinking there will be a siege and we will burn all the shops down . Now tell me, what the fuck should I do with all this Maggi?”, was the poignant question by Chunnu in Lucknow.

Navjot Sidhu To Run Naked If Bharat Bandh Reverses Inflation

Naked is a tongue twister if said while running (Image: sulekha.com)

New Delhi. 5 July 2010.

Apparently inspired by a Paraguayan model, ex-cricketer and BJP MP Navjot Singh Sidhu today claimed that he will run naked through the streets of New Delhi if opposition-sponsored Bharat Bandh manages to reverse the price rise. Speaking to the local media on the eve of opposition’s biggest combined jab at govt. policies in UPA’s second term, Sidhu said – “Guru…the nude is condemned to never being naked. The man who runs is always the man who wears the shoes. And lastly, inflation is, what inflation does.” Soon after, BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad decoded the lines for everybody, to send shock-waves in random directions.

If Paraguay had won, inflation would have run (Image: rediff.com)

“Tomato is so expensive now that I’d rather put petrol in my daal-fry”, said Rajesh Tiwari, a common common-man from Kanpur, “but after this news, I am not sure I would like to have daal-fry ever.” Unsurprisingly, many ‘first reactions’ ranged from “I hope not” to “Why Sidhhu, why not KPS Gill?”. But there was support for the daring MP from some quarters, including from his fans of the hit TV show ‘Laughter Challenge’ where he appeared as a laugh-track. “Sidhu paa ji is just great. We can’t stop laughing when he can’t stop laughing. I wish him all the best for this naked run”, said avid TV viewer Sunny Lokhande from Nagpur.

Abundance of potatoes (Image: sulekha.com)

Sidhu’s announcement, though, has not got ruling UPA worried. “For one, inflation is going up, so the man won’t get a chance”, said Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi. He believed that Bharat Bandh “only managed to help UPA as most of the Metros enjoyed a long weekend and blessed UPA for the holiday. In fact, we are thinking of having a central govt. sponsored Bharat Bandh every alternate month, so that all the accompanying surprises and violence could be better organized, and if possible, marketed. Think of the possibility of a reality show – Bharat Bandh Mein Nach Baliye, and many more.”

Meanwhile, after an exhausting, angry, boring, and hectic day at Bharat Bandh, BJP looks forward to another 8-years of exciting in-fighting, high-adrenalin chintan baithaks, and occassional but high-powered sex-tapes.

Bhopal GoM Concludes Rajiv Loved Mango Shakes and Arjun Should Get Compensation

Kwality conscious

New Delhi. 20 June 2010.

Finalising its conclusions on Bhopal gas leak, the reconstituted GoM today said that “Rajiv Gandhi loved milk shakes with mangoes. In fact, he was just crazy about them.”

Cabinet Home Minister and GoM member Mr. P. Chidambaram said “Even Arjun Singh, who was the CM at the time of the fatal leak agrees that our ex-PM Shri Rajiv Gandhi simply loved crushed mangoes shaken in an electric mixer with cold milk.” With this, experts and TV news hosts agree, the 26-year long wait for some kind of closure for Bhopal victims has ended.

Warren Anderson, Circa 1984

The GoM submitted a detailed report, with three major big-impact sub-conclusions. First, that on the day of the gas leak Arjun Singh was the CM and hence he should be given due compensation for facing the trauma of the day. Second, Warren Anderson’s escape could be blamed on the national carrier Air India. “Had they been on strike, like many other days of the year 1984 and on, Anderson would have been around for a long time”, said GoM wild card member Suresh Nambiar.

The third conclusion, the most far-reaching one is to constitute another GoM to reach the third conclusion.

Indore, 10:30 am. This banner consumed 34 kgs. of burfi (Image Courtesy: Telegraph India)

Meanwhile, Rahul Gandhi’s banners and posters nationwide miraculously started accepting and consuming sweets on the congress leader’s 40th birthday. Congress spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi could not be reached for an explanation.

*************

(Third conclusion courtesy: @madversity on twitter)

Centre Moves To End Manipur Blockade, Wherever Manipur Is

Official India Map: New Delhi Version (Click your fingers to enlarge.)

New Delhi. 15 June 2010.

Moving swiftly after two months, the UPA Central Government today announced concrete steps to end Manipur highway blockade, “wherever Manipur is”. Speaking with a firm grip on the microphone, and a burning determination in his left eye, Union Secretary KG Pillai said, “We have zeroed down on the area. The troops will be moving soon to the North-Eastern part of India and I will let you know as soon as they find Manipur. I am sure we can do that.”

Just kidding

Explaining the slight delay in reacting to the situation, NH-39 and NH-53 have been blocked by Naga groups for 2 months now, Cabinet Home Minister P. Chidambram said: “I would have reacted a couple of weeks earlier, but Arjun Singh hacked my twitter account. So I had no idea that #manipurblockade is a popular hash-tag.” He added with a decisive tap on his spectacles, “You can blame Arjun Singh for this too.”

Meanwhile, Digvijay Singh clarified his oblique “Rajiv Gandhi is guilty for Bhopal” remark today by saying “Hey look! World cup has started.”

World Awed As Apple Launches Something Good-looking

Found in a bar (Pic Courtesy: matthewktabor.com)

San Fransisco. 07 June 2010.

In a much anticipated and fanatically followed ceremony, Apple CEO Steve Jobs launched something very sleek, good looking, and fantastically white. Technology website reporters, business journalists, bored-but-there executives, over-informed teenagers, and clueless passers-by waited for hours, not because Jobs was late but, to feel good about themselves, as the keynote started.

“Stop me, if you have already seen this”, he started his speech with, and had to contend with raised hands, mostly from Gizmodo subscribers, every few seconds. He then apologized and changed his first line to, “Stop me if you really think you can get alive out of here after doing so”, which resulted in putting the focus back on the good looking thing he was unveiling. The 90-minute mindfuckingly unbelievable presentation showed the good-looking thing in various good-looking angles with Steve Jobs’ good-sounding voice-over explaining the good looks.

Hypenating good-looking

Sandman Hurst, 36, the leading tech expert for a very big tech magazine in a very big country live-blogged enthusiastically, calling the launch “one of the most awaited days” of his life. Hurst would have added more but then he had to get back to his job and “work my ass-off at my blood sucking company so that I could buy the good looking thing sometime in the coming decade.”

Youngsters from around the world held their breath before, and hugged each other after, the launch, to claim that they belonged. “I can’t tell you how thrilled I am. I didn’t sleep for the last 2 weeks – I don’t know why – but it all seems worth it now!”, said Neil Simon, 22.

If Apple insiders are to be believed, the company is working on a new-range of somethings to be launched sometime soon, if not sometime later.

Meanwhile in India, 1984’s Bhopal Gas Tragedy case verdict is out, giving TV news channels another much-needed opportunity to call panel discussions where everybody is agreeing with the anchor.

(Idea Courtesy: Onion’s ‘Something Happened Somewhere’ video story)

http://www.csmonitor.com/Innovation/Horizons/2010/0429/Jon-Stewart-skewers-Apple-over-iPhone-4G-debacle

Pakistan To Stone Twitter To Death

Trends change, people don't (Image Courtesy: Arrow, Dreamstime.com)

After ordering a televised beheading of Facebook, and cutting-into-pieces of Youtube two days ago, a local court today sentenced the social networking microblog Twitter to be stoned to death. The court, hearing an appeal from a group of Maulvis, who claimed following Laila (on Twitter) causes Laila (in Ocean), decided in favor of the group, ironically, minutes after installing the twitter client for i-phone on their China-made duplicates. By the way, China hailed Pakistan’s move and said, “Had Facebook been still around, we would have ‘LIKED’ Pakistan.”

The learned judge, Mustafa Mustafa, called the ruling “very progressive, as compared to Indian TV soaps”, while further explaining that he did take a “Facebook personality test two days ago” and found out that he “was Ultra-Paranoid! So I just acted on my personality type, and ordered a cleansing.”

Pakistani teenagers already depressed by the number of soft-porn, Bilawal Zardari screaming like mad, and random white/chinese kids pulling random cats’ tails videos they are going to miss after the death of Youtube and Facebook, went into further shock on realizing that they won’t be able to follow Amitabh Bacchhan’s inane tweets anymore.

Even Hell has no good usernames left (Image Courtesy: Daily Mail UK and EPA)

The stoning of Twitter will take place in Waziristan as soon as a suicide-mission-intern goofs up leaving the rest of the day uneventful.

Meanwhile, Yadav duo, Lalu Prasad and Mulayam Singh, today demanded 33 percent OBC quota in Cyclone names. “OBCs are highly under-represented in Cyclone names. Let the next one be called Rabri. Or Misa”, demanded Lalu Yadav outside parliament.